Elvis has left the building

Letters to my boyfriends mom: his beautiful girl

2011-05-10T21:12:00.000-04:00

"This is my son Tom and his beautiful girl, Sandy." I am not Sandy and Tom is not my boyfriend. I am the girlfriend of your oldest son, the one you pointed to and said "oh and this is Matt and Amy". You can't know how much it hurt me that you did that to me, to us. This is my other son who is of no consequence and his girlfriend who is too ugly to deserve an adjective. I guess it could have been worse, you could have said that I was his ugly girl Amy. I suppose that would have been worse, to have it spelled out in words in front of your whole family instead of just the unsaid criticism that I'm not as good as a girl who had two kids with a drunk and has the brains of an invertebrate.

But I'm not supposed to be sarcastic or flippant because the whole point of this exercise is to be more zen. This is an exercise in not alienating my boyfriends family with my continued anger about things that happened in the past and while I completely deserve to be angry about them I deserve happiness and peace more. So I am writing down all the things that hurt me in an effort to let them go. Even if I have to write the same post about that day over and over again I will and eventually I will conquer my anger and regain my peace because no one who makes me feel like shit deserves to keep making me feel like shit. So that is my project, to talk about all the things that hurt me and let them go and move on.

It really hurt to be called out like that, the ugly girlfriend of your worthless son. It also really hurt the day you reminded me in front of everyone not to eat the olive pizza because it belonged to a child. Not only am I apparently so fat that I must steal food from children but I don't even like black olives. So, you know nothing about me and you think I'm a big fat slob who steals food from kids. Thanks a lot! Nice to have a mom! (this no sarcasm thing is going to be hard...buddha was hardcore to be zen without any sarcasm at all...)

clear desk policy

2008-04-06T16:57:00.002-04:00

Since the post it note debacle I wrote about at the other blog I've been keeping nothing on my desk at work. Would it be easier to keep the boss' number on a post it rather than look it up every time I need it? Yes, but its not worth the trouble. At the weekend I always gain enough confidence to face the week and think of this nonsense as a learning experience. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about HR and MEMIC and anything else I can use in the future. Be smart is my new motto, which I will try to keep as long as he doesn't drive me bat shit crazy.

Ironically, as much as I hate my state of affairs right now I rather like the tone of my life. When I have a good day at work I like the leisurely pace of 9-5 and arranging my own schedule and wearing jeans to work. That is the number one reason I don't want a corporate job again, I likes the casual dressing. The money and the dress code.

Everyone feels trapped by the money. It's the one thing he gets right but I suspect it's all part of his grand manipulation plan, either that or he realized everyone would quit if he was cheap and a bastard. The money is the biggest problem for me and worse since I haven't been the best saver this last month. I could have a lot more of a nest egg than I do, I've been feeling the freedom of having a bit of spare cash. New computer, high speed interwebs, shiny new casual clothes, all things I would never have done last month if I was still at the bank. I'm deeply ashamed.

been a while

2008-03-11T07:15:00.002-04:00

The last time I wrote here I was all excited about the new job, and then I got very un-excited about the new job, and today I'm neutral. Last week was kind of stinky but then yesterday wasn't so bad. I got a "very nice" and a "thank you" when I left so I'm feeling much better just now. The feeling might crash at any moment but, whatever...that's sort of the point of living, to have the experiences. I'm practicing being open minded and self confident and ROAR! Must make the most of this as it's what I professed to have wanted for so long. I'm a worry wart I guess and I have no reason to be. The paycheck, dear god the paycheck...the one part of my job I'll always like. I can't wait till friday. I do have exciting things to do today, playing with pictures and making things pretty. I only have to call and complain to one phone company today which is a total bonus. Yesterday I had to call two, but mr. bookkeeper said I was "good" for getting a bunch of credits back...no wonder I liked yesterday so much...it was pretty darn good.

New job, busy busy!

2008-02-24T06:20:00.003-05:00

It's going to be a long week, saying goodbye and training in my spare time for the new job. I've only said goodbye to a few people so far and it's been traumatic. I guess it's nice to hear all my customers say they're pulling their business because I'm leaving. I told my boss that I had no idea what an effect I had on folks and she said "you did affect people, you do and you will" and then we were all on the brink of tears. It was a very hallmark moment. I don't think I've ever said that before and not meant to be sarcastic about it.

I honestly had no idea how difficult it would be to switch jobs. I had to google resignation letter as I've never written one. I'm sure it's the right decision and I'm ready to go where it takes me, but it's harder than I thought to leave. That job was my emotional crutch through a lot of things and I very clearly understand why I couldn't/didn't move on earlier, I just wasn't ready. It would have been impossible to make a move like this any sooner. If I was working a job like this new on when my mom was sick I would have made a complete blunder of it.

Rash would be so much more fulfilling

2008-01-30T14:45:00.000-05:00

It's hard trying to be a grown-up. I'm sitting around biting my tongue waiting to hear about any of the gaggle of resumes I've sent out over the last few days. Typing that sentence made me realize that I have no idea where my cellphone is, the cellphone unto which I have directed all of my possible interview calls. Shit. This is so me. Odds on I can't find it and have a meltdown. You know of course that it's set on vibrate so I can't, you know, call it or anything and find it the easy way. Damn. We know I'll go insane buy a new one with money I don't have the minute before I walk out on my job only to find it the second I get home from the store. Guess I have a plan atleast. Freak out, spend money! gotta have a plan.

So, what's new? The readership here has grown an awful lot since I started, you know, posting things here. It's changed a lot, I know most of you are coming over from Athena and that's awesome. Sometimes I don't feel very well rounded over there (pun totally worthwhile!) and I do actually have interests above feeding my gob. With my whole five minutes of wealth I bought myself the latest PJ Harvey with a coupon. It's very good, very soothing really. I was going to buy rainbows next...but alas.

No new computer, no new cds...I'll trade my car in for one like the Flintstones had...it'll be alright. If there's one thing that getting out of debt taught me it's that things are just things and money is just money. Food, water, heat and I'm good. If I don't have a job I don't have to even shower! Think of all the soap I can save! This is where my months/years of coupon shopper hoarding has come in handy. Things we'll never run out of at my house include: Ivory soap (matt's favorite), Toilet paper, and tuna. You can live a long damn time with all that stuff. There's a hefty amount of shampoo too, even the fancy brillian brunette kind! If I watched a few more episodes of Macguver we'd really be set for life.

I expect the many ways my life will be changing will mean I'll be here a lot more. What with all the nothing to do. And there are a lot of emotions to digest. I can feel myself getting less and less angry as the days pass. I really want to stay mad, I want to be pissed and indignant and yeah I want to be mean too. None of those are smart, grown up ways to live. I do think it's important to stand up for myself, I just need to be smart about it. I had so many plans that are getting trashed by this turn of events. I have to remember that life isn't about plans coming to bear. It's everything else that happens while you're waiting around for the time to be right. A sucky plan, even if completed successfully, is still sucky and money is just money.

Get off her lawn!

2008-01-17T15:42:00.000-05:00

Thursday is paper day here on MDI, which means it's also what nonsense have folks called the police over this week. I thought the best one would be the escaped chicken on the Crooked Road but I think the lady in Southwest who reported problem ducks in her yard is my new favorite. What did she expect the police to do, come over and shoot them? There's also an article complaining about hiring a second firefighter. The gall! Two whole firefighters! and more than one police officer on duty at a time! it's anarchy.

I thought I'd be happier

2008-01-14T11:17:00.000-05:00

When I was at the height of my "oh my god I owe THAT MUCH" debt I thought I'd be automatically happier when I was free. Less stressed anyway, it seemed a sure bet. It seems that what I've done is trade one stress for another. I no longer worry about whether I can pay all my bills with my tiny ass paychecks, now I worry about whether I'll be able to retire on my tiny ass 401k allocations. Which is ridiculous because not so long ago it was a lucky thing that I had money to allocate at all, money that didn't have to be thrown at debt to keep all my payments up to date. I'm crossed between deserving a break from financial worry and believing that I don't deserve one after fucking up so badly.

I read a lot of debt blogs where the writers missed payments or had things go to collection and I have to remind myself that I'm lucky that I turned things around before that ever happened to me. Things could be a lot worse for me than only putting 6% to retirement. Two years it took me to slog my way out of debt, two years and a lot of lucky breaks. I feel like I have to make up for it somehow, make up for lost time. The financial anxiety just has moved around but hasn't left and that's really disappointing to me. And, you know, anxious making.

Financial security, in my head, is the image of someone sitting at a big old desk with a leather ledger and a tell-tale cock of the head. I suppose I do that with my spreadsheets but excel just isn't as comforting as you'd think. Mostly I look at it and think "MORE MORE MORE, HAVE TO SAVE MORE!". My next budget venture, the rest of my life budget, should be really awesome. Counting your deposits before they happen awesome, but I think I left myself enough room to enjoy things and save half my paychecks. Save half my paychecks, I can't believe I'm that person and I'm still not calm and happy and all the things that I wanted money to buy. God, how frustrating.

Buchanan, those were the days

2007-12-28T14:48:00.000-05:00

My dad was really, really disappointed that my uber conservative uncle wasn't at the Christmas party this year. Of all the years to go to Feliz Navidad in Florida it had to be the year we got a Christmas card from the Clintons. Apparently ten bucks to the NH Democrats buys you a lot of liberal cheer. I forget how big the primary thing is in NH since I haven't lived there in ten years. There are signs everywhere, forcing me to google NH Primary to find out the damn date: January 8, 2008. I know the point is that it's early but I'm genuinely shocked. Shocked at the date and that so many people in Merrimack have Ron Paul signs in their yards. Reminds me of my youth "borrowing" the Buchanan signs from the highway which my mom miscontrued for a true interest in politics and/or collecting and started stealing one of each sign for me. I still have them somewhere because you never know when Forbes for President will be a collector's item.

Shopaholic

2007-12-14T13:18:00.001-05:00

Damn you Amazon and your deals of the day. I just ordered all three seasons of Arrested Developement for thirty bucks. I'm a dvd buying machine lately and it's not good. It's been a very spendy Christmas. I felt like since it's the first time I haven't been sorry ass broke, I should make an effort to get nice things for the people I love...and have stiffed every other year. It seems I love me too since I've also bought the Angel series, Harry Potter and Serenity on the cheap. Tsk tsk, I'm a bad, bad budgeter this month.

Looking at the side bar this is like the 8th post for 2007. Slacker and a halfer. I'm wanting that to improve. Amongst other things. Other wants. 2008's going to be an interesting year. A year where I won't be able to play on the interwebs 8 hours a day. If I can abstain as I should under the new management. I'm going to be getting all fancy with the works at home. I'm planning on a new computer and possibly some high-speed service for the house. Losing the connection every 10 minutes is sort of annoying even when you don't pay for it yourself. I should be doing these things at home and it will be great for my repetitive motion injuries to not be idle with the mouse 8 hours a day.

Speaking of idle, I'm trying to think of ways to not have to be at work all week. A part time job, an online store, somesort of catering/baking when I have space to do it. I've dedicated myself to getting out of debt and it worked, I've dedicated myself to getting healthy and shedding pounds and that is working, I can dedicate myself to becoming financially independant if I want it bad enough. And if I can't click that dumb gold box at Amazon every five minutes. That would help too.

Finally

2007-11-29T07:42:00.000-05:00

The phone line is now offically set up and working at home and we've only logged on once. When I used to do dial up I used my free juno and dialed in where ever and it was fine. It now officially sucks, not that I'm surprised, so we've been using Matt's AOL. That sort of sucks too and now I guess I should be researching ISP's. It's exactly as exciting as it sounds, researching ISP's in rural Maine. I'd like to have something good set up for the new computer whenever I get around to that. It's hard work being this lazy.

More like a duck

2007-11-23T08:31:00.000-05:00

The verdict on my turkeys was more waterfowl, but they tasted amazing. I made a pumpkin cheesecake too, which was yummy and also huge and will probably end up trashed. One dessert next year, something to remember.

Cupcakes to gobble up!

2007-11-14T10:55:00.000-05:00

Ok, that's a lame title but I guess I'm in the spirit because I love it. We're having Thanksgiving with Matt's family this year and I really want to do something cute for dessert. Turkey cupcakes. Some of them are pretty cute, and some are just awful. There was a biscuit and cranberry and mashed potato frosting cupcake on cupcakes take the cake I can't even link to, it fills me with ire. Martha has a sweet coconut one, which could be fun. This is more or less what I was thinking, I have a lot of candy corn to use from Halloween. I could use it this way too, but that looks like a little too much work for me. These look amazing, but I think I'm too lazy. And these, no, just no.

My plan is pretty much to make a dense chocolate cupcake, sort of a small one to only fill the cup halfway and use piped chocolate mousse to make a bird shape. I wanted to use candy corn if only to get rid of it, but I'm thinking almonds for a beak and butt feathers might be more elegant. Who doesn't want a turkey with an elegant butt?

Just like I never did nothin'

2007-11-09T08:35:00.000-05:00

So, I put it back the way it was. So fickle. I just need to wrestle that lamp out of my sister's basement and it'll be just like college. She does want me to build a wall this weekend, maybe I can barter. And why would she think I can build a wall? I mean, really, we have the same genes...she should know better. If anything I'd be a foreman and then take workmans' comp when I spill hot coffee on my lap.

Trolling the archives

2007-11-08T15:48:00.000-05:00

I looked and looked and I can't find the post where crazy ex-girlfriend exhibit A chucked rocks at my window all night...but I did find this gem!

2007-11-08T08:11:00.000-05:00

Matt was talking to the cat this morning as I was just waking up. He was trying to convince her to jump up to the couch: "You can do it, it's not higher than it was yesterday". He was lifting her up as I walked in to the living room "She has low fur-esteem today". Indeed.

A blog, re-invented

2007-11-07T13:51:00.000-05:00

If you're here, you know who I am and what used to be here. It's not gone, just put aside. Turns out I'm not stone hearted enough to delete years of "Hey, let's go to the dining hall!" posts, but not soft enough to leave them up for eternity. I've been thinking about going back to a two blog format for awhile. My interest in saving and investing (interest...savings...hehheh) has grown and it really doesn't belong on the other site. Dividing Elvisngraceland and AthenaLaughed worked really well for me last time, I'm hoping this goes just as well.

I was thinking this would mostly be a money site but that idea bores even me, so we'll see. I'm working out the links, turns out this site is so old they didn't get transferred like when I updated Athena. And I just got a reunion notice from Hood, we're both getting old.

and i fell down the stairs.

2007-06-06T12:35:00.000-04:00

imagine, i used to come here and write things about college and the dorm and the completely insane freshmen we all hated. it's like a different world. and then i started writing about how i hate my job but i never actually did anything about it. nothing like moving and starting over. nothing that would actually make any difference. and then my mom died and i stopped writing here. that was over two years ago and sometimes it seems like yesterday that i closed the door on this outlet. well closed it enough that only bitter ramblings and halfhearted updates slipped through.

what a mess. i'm not entirely certain what to do about it. i would like to have a place where i write about the exciting turns my life is taking, beyond the scope of my waistband. the problem is that i'm not actually doing anything exiciting. or anything at all. i want to start this business but i'm not ready. we want to build a house but we're not ready for that either. the waiting is sort of killing me. the in-betweens of existing just aren't big enough to live in.

and then i got a post card from a sweetheart at ithaca. we worked together at the koi shop and we were related by chosen family, cousins by friendship. she hasn't forgotten that time that i have been choosing not to remember and it kind of makes me think that not only do i suck but i am also blind. i've been thinking i have nothing to write about because i haven't had any experiences but in honesty i've insulated myself so thoroughly against experience that i wouldn't know what to do with a worthy story if one came pouring down my arms into the keyboard.

this is me attempting to at the very least document the nothing and what i make of it. god help me if i let it flounder again, delete delete delete.

2006-12-05T15:04:00.000-05:00

i have another interview. at a museum. ha. only took three years. if i was anymore excited my head would implode.

2006-11-28T11:54:00.000-05:00

i have a job interview. for an actual job. and i was the first one they called. because i rock. YES! (insert over-dramatic eric lasalle move here)

2006-09-01T13:49:00.000-04:00

some poor summer kid thinks i'm stealing his money, or something. he hasn't kept any records but he's sure he's given us more deposits than what he has in his account. except he hasn't. i spent all morning printing out papers for him, he's coming in later. if we've made a mistake, we will rectify it. but you have to prove it to me. you have to say i made x deposit on y day and you have it entered incorrectly here. you can't just say gee i should have more money what did you do with it. i don't really want people to think i steal their money, or put it in the wrong place wantonly. this is not how i wanted to spend my afternoon before vacation, trying to convince some kid that indeed he has spent a shitload of money this summer.

2006-08-18T13:53:00.000-04:00

2006-08-17T15:03:00.000-04:00

i just cashed five cat piss saturated checks. i need a new life, stat.

2006-08-10T15:56:00.000-04:00

if you ask me how much cash you can deposit before you get reported, i'm gonna report you. it's that simple mastermind.

2006-08-03T14:07:00.000-04:00

why blog when you can repeatedly post weird referrals.

1 2.78% recipes pattipan squash
1 2.78% jcrew catalog eyeglasses august
1 2.78% hamburger joint in nh
1 2.78% i'm scared to death that jenny is gonna drop her fire baton and fry like one of them... buddhist mo
1 2.78% jamaican boyfriends
1 2.78% pronounce gallaudet
1 2.78% elvis' favorite flower
1 2.78% elvis jesus jumpers clothing
1 2.78% what does the following phrase mean elvis has left the building...
1 2.78% everything i need is right here in my hands
1 2.78% what does elvis has left the building mean
1 2.78% elvis has left the building mean
1 2.78% what is the answer to 'bubbles' question in sweet/chocolate quiz?
1 2.78% stockbroker sleepwalkers
1 2.78% her cock was bigger
1 2.78% scorch marks on plastic
1 2.78% what does - has left the building mean?
1 2.78% build ice luge stand michigan
1 2.78% elvis has left the building what does it mean
1 2.78% elvis has left the building start up sound
1 2.78% what did elvis use in his hair
1 2.78% and i'm left here on my own elvis
1 2.78% new glasses pics site:blogspot.com
1 2.78% elvis has just left the building!
1 2.78% when did the phase elvis has left the building come from
1 2.78% elvis has just left the building gay
1 2.78% elvis has left the building cd
1 2.78% rupinuni
1 2.78% worls beautiful buildings
1 2.78% elvis have just left the building

2006-07-17T15:43:00.000-04:00

i just fielded a call complaining about our branch. some guy with no money in his account wanted to cash a big ass check from out of state. they call it karma.

2006-07-14T10:02:00.000-04:00

today's keyword searches:

2 7.41% i like kids, but i can't eat a whole one. (how i love this one!)
2 7.41% elvis has left the building (obvious)
1 3.70% how much waste was in elvis when he died (why god, why?)
1 3.70% martha stewart curiosity cabinet (i'm building one, the august issue rocks!)
1 3.70% preparation h does not work anymore (good to know)
1 3.70% most northern starbucks (?)
1 3.70% dragballs (have fun!)
1 3.70% elvis has left (yup)
1 3.70% elvis used hair products (probably)
1 3.70% elvis has left the building audio (not on this page anyway)
1 3.70% koi are goldfish (NO THEY ARE NOT)
1 3.70% elvis cant leave the building (hehehe)
1 3.70% strangers licking me (sarah, this was you wasn't it?)
1 3.70% gringo's in bar harbor (tasty)
1 3.70% what hair products did elvis use (lard)
1 3.70% bangor august 17 elvis (first bob marley, now elvis?)
1 3.70% did elvis have diabetes (probably)
1 3.70% left the building what does it mean (huh?)
1 3.70% what does elvis has just left the building mean? (oh)
1 3.70% seattlekisa yonker (happy birthday jimmy smits)
1 3.70% ice luge kit (always a favorite)
1 3.70% geddy's hotel presque isle maine (really?)
1 3.70% apple ocean elvis (celebrity children?)
1 3.70% gallaudet pronounce (the irony)

2006-07-10T14:05:00.000-04:00

an obviously cloven-hooved woman from new jersey shook her head at me when i waved her to a stop so a mother and child could cross the street. the babies must be made of rubber in jersey, that's all i can figure. it's been quite a week for incidents in tourist-ville. some gentleman (ahem) almost hit me with his cigarette while i took my lunch time walk. and we just watched a van from new york hit a truck not once, not twice, but three times while parallel parking. and then they got out. and looked at their van. and shed not a glance at the truck. nor it's owner. who was in the bank and watched his truck get hit three times. personally, since i know that people here have rifles in their trucks, i wouldn't upset the owner of a truck in maine. but maybe new yorkers travel armed too, what do i know?

this blog is quickly becoming the assholes on vacation chronicles. i really want to chalk "I live here DAMNIT" on my hood but it probably wouldn't help. i'll just seeth until october. and drool.

2006-07-06T16:01:00.000-04:00

"I had to park in your spot because someone was in mine." (insert pirate growl here)

2006-06-19T15:51:00.000-04:00

do you ever look at your stats and go "who the fuck?". i expect to get random visitors from hood searches and the like, or for specific things in bar harbor, but sometimes i see who's checking in and it just confounds me. and then i think of all the blogs i read that i hate but i read them anyway just so i can say to myself "what a dumb blog". and i really wonder if that's me to all these people. wouldn't that be depressing.

it isn't as though it matters who comes here. it's on the internet for chrissakes. it boggles the mind all the folks who have internet journals marked private. what's the point. if you're going to write something on the internet you have no reasonable expectation of privacy. i'll never understand it.

2006-06-13T14:03:00.000-04:00

i put a banana in my desk trashcan, there was an accident...it wouldn't do to dwell on it, and now all i can think about is banana bread. the smell is driving me insane. banana nutty brown sugary goodness. speaking of brown sugary goodness, i saw a recipe for my mom's famous strawberries with sour cream and brown sugar. it's not so much a recipe as dip the strawberries in sour cream and then roll them in brown sugar. it's more instructions. instructions from the mouth of god. those are some yummy strawberries, if you've never had them that way you should try it. my mom actually stole it from my sister's swanky alma mater. the only good thing she ever got from that school, or so she said. and then i saw it somewhere and i can't for the life of me find it again. it only matters because they suggest spicing the sugar with cinnamon. i'm just now sure...strawberries and cinnamon? maybe if there were chocolate involved...even then i'm not so sure. so i'm wondering what you folks think...cinnamon and strawberries yay or nay?

2006-06-08T10:51:00.000-04:00

go ahead, keep telling me to wake up...one of these days i'm gonna be armed.

2006-06-08T10:19:00.000-04:00

and the first thing i heard when i got back..."THEY CALL IT A CROSSWALK NEW YORK!!!". it's good to be in baaah haabaah.

2006-05-19T11:36:00.000-04:00

someone just gave me seven grand in hundreds that smell like my grandma. does that count as mutilated currency do you think?

2006-05-18T13:17:00.000-04:00

this poor, sad, untended blog. every time i load it i look at the currently reading and i wince. not only did i finish devil in the white city sometime in 2005 i done sold it so long ago i can't remember what the price was. does it inspire me to update, not so much. i frequently re-read books, and read parts of two or three books in the same day and sometimes i don't read at all. i slog around the internet all day, chewing my nails till they bleed because i am so bored i don't even have the will to pick up a book and turn the pages. hi! how's your day?

i don't know what the deal with the blogging is. unlike sarah, i never wanted to be a writer. despite a few english teachers telling me i had talent when i was younger. even in college, while my grammar sucked sweaty goat balls, i got some compliments on my writing. but why pursue something you might be good at when you can flounder half-assedly at something else. like a history degree. and then you can go work at a bank and write about shoe shopping all day. and then maybe you can totally ignore that site until it's really just the worlds slowest instant messenger with the adorable sarah, who also seems to have given the daily blogging the heave ho.

so, we're all heaving. and hoing. atleast i don't feel alone. but there's another secret. while i've been totally neglecting this blog for no reason except that every time i load blogger to post i sit here impotent and cranky and then go look at shoes, i've been sort of kind of writing at this other site. a fat girl site. because darrin's dance grooves really was the last straw. so i'm torn. i started that site because there were some things that just didn't seem to fit here, and there are some things that don't really fit there. over there we talk about fat stuff, like numbers and sizes and cookies and unseemly things like menstrual cycles. the content, it's different and it's often boring and frustrating and emotionally loaded. and you know, here i talk about people yelling at the atm. or i used to...when i used to tell you guys stuff.

so i'm letting the secret out. it doesn't completely explain why i haven't been posting here. i have been funneling energy somewhere else but it sure as hell isn't for lack of trying to get posts up here. i'm not killing this blog. there's too much here i don't want to lose. i'm also signing up for a writing class. summer school. i'm thinking maybe journalism but it's cheap so i could do two. for now, unless i have a project to do or something, i'm putting up the detour signs, directing you to where i am now. with full warning that it is a fat girl blog. with fat girl links, and commenters and people who cheer over the loss of a few pounds. that's where my brain is now.

there will be updates here, but i'm not going to continue the pretense that this blog is going to jump back into life. even dostoyevsky finished a novel or two, verbose muthafuckah that he was. is it so bad to finish one thing to start another?

2006-05-16T14:20:00.000-04:00

i'm a shoe-a-holic. i just added zappos to my favorites list. three pairs this week. it's definitely a problem, my apartment's not big enough. and you know, the only thing that i can think of is that kids in the hall sketch..."don't got shoes, just got feet". no more shoes until i make a social engagement to leave my house. it doesn't matter how cheap those chinese laundry heels were, you don't wear stillettos to wash dishes.

so i'm driving myself crazy with the shopping. i'm a need to cut the cord to the internet at work. and take a chaperone to marshalls with me. you know, it must be my mom saying hi, that woman loved to shop. and you know what else, the paul simon song 'the mother and child reunion' was on in the car this morning. i couldn't help smiling. hi mom!

2006-05-15T12:43:00.000-04:00

it's flooding where my family lives. you reckon they'd call if there was an issue huh?

2006-05-12T09:37:00.000-04:00

it's been raining all week. i have nothing remotely interesting to say. the weeks seem to be flying by but the days just drag. my sister called to tell me they're having a mass for mom on the 16th. it came so fast. i never thought this year would end. and then you get to the end and you realize grief doesn't end at any one turning point of time. and you wonder how you got through the days only a year ago, only six months ago.

mother's day is sunday. last year i made my mom a card. she couldn't keep her eyes open to read it and fell asleep with it in her hands. it's going to be a harder month than i thought.

2006-05-08T15:25:00.000-04:00

if you don't keep a check register you will eventually get fucked, and it's NOT my fault. it's been a long day.

2006-05-08T11:00:00.000-04:00

i bought self tanner this weekend. the desperation, it runs deep. it's not the traditional kind, it's called "natural glow" and i have high hopes. i got the fair skin formula (obviously) and i'm starting it today. that stuff isn't bad for you is it? she asks after using it. can't be as bad as a sunburn anyway. hopefully by the time i see sarah i'll be glowing naturally. i can't wait.

since i sold the del sol, i see one everywhere i go. it's starting to freak me out. i keep chanting "down with two seat hypocrisy!" but it doesn't make me feel any better. i can't believe it's gone, it's wonderful!

miss sarah, what are thoust plans? do you have employment? will you be free for a wee visit sometime? and did you know we're going to maryland for memorial day week and we'll be driving right by your house! twice! and it's suspiciously close to your birthday! and there are no periods in this whole paragraph! fuck punctuation!!!

2006-05-06T15:44:00.000-04:00

in which i traded this...

for this...

the fire post now also has photo goodness.

2006-05-05T15:33:00.000-04:00

i wanted to post pictures of the del sol, now gone, and the big pile of money i got in return. but the library is full of tourists. i now have to call the librarians and request that they pencil me in for lunch time so i can post pictures. it's a major bummer. it makes me want to use my new found wealth to get internet at home but then i would be unwealthy faster than the resulting internet connection. so, pictures again someday.

and also it's 85 degrees today. in MAINE. what's the deal with that?

2006-05-03T09:19:00.000-04:00

remember when all i talked about was trying to sell my car? and then all about that one asshole guy who kept calling but wouldn't meet my price? guess who was waiting for us outside of mardens on sunday? mr. asshole. he's not at all what i expected, he's a total dork. he was waiting in his foolish civic with these big ass rims. he hollared from his pseudo pimp mobile if we were willing to sell. matt said yeah, and then they shouted questions and answers to eachother in the middle of the parking lot. the guy asked if he could take a look at the car and promptly told us it was too much money...because the tires don't match.*

we wouldn't come down to his price. but he asked for a number. he called later offering a little bit more money. matt said eat it. and then he called again on monday night. he came to our price and he wanted the car that night. that was monday. when matt called me i was combing the mary-kate and ashley olsen make-up section in walmart.** he was in holden, i was in ellsworth, the title was in bar harbor. matt concocted a lie that we couldn't get the title that fast and they set up for later in the week.

we cleaned the shit out of the car and matt is going to call him today to set up the sale for this evening. the cash in hand is going to be nice, but i really hate this guy. and i just filled the gas tank. i have the strongest desire to buy a syphon and leave only enough gas to get to bangor. that's how much i don't like him. i'm also bringing a currency marker. paranoid, anal and vindictive. isn't matt a lucky man?

*because god knows you can't change tires!
**lots of glitter***
***for when i'm a rich pimpette after selling the car

2006-05-02T08:34:00.000-04:00

so there won't be pictures till this afternoon, we're strapped for help so i can't leave. but let me tell you a little about the fire so you won't be so worried (maybe), and i'll add the photos later.

so it went like this, matt and i were having breakfast in my kitchen. he points to the window and asks "what happened?". i turn around and look and have no idea what he's talking about. until he points directly at the two huge scorch marks on the plastic of my window frame. i'm completely puzzled. i don't even own a branding iron. i'm thinking some how someone broke into the apartment to torch my window frame. and then matt says, must be the mirror.

you know how you can burn ants with a magnifying glass? apparently if you stick a mirror on your sideboard and the sun comes out it will melt the plastic on your window, scorch it, and leave streaky smoke marks going up the side. who knew? it's not like we get so much sun here that i'd be worried about spontaneous combustion. i guess i should be.

i did learn that no matter how hard you scrub with your mr. clean magic eraser it will not remove the burnt from plastic. magic my ass. it did, however, remove the flame residue to a degree.*

so the mirror is now in the closet and my security deposit is fairly certainly gone for good. that was probably inevitable and there was only $100 left anyway. it's worth the money just to imagine how teddy will wonder how i managed to set the window on fire.

*punny

2006-05-01T14:20:00.000-04:00

there's been another fire, in my kitchen. i've got pictures. you'll never believe how i managed to scorch and burn the window frame without even being home. i'm a miracle worker.

2006-04-28T10:08:00.000-04:00

it's hard to be two.

2006-04-27T13:05:00.000-04:00

for the boyfriend's mother.

2006-04-26T09:56:00.000-04:00

i'm having a problem with the dump water today. we're running low and someone put them all in the fridge. i guess they were thinking "who doesn't like cold water?". and normally they'd be right, but the dump water is not to be chilled. there's nothing that makes it more dumpy than to be cold. i just had to share that.

what else...well...the park is open. we're planning a barbecue on sand beach. i'm not sure if it's legal...but we'll find out. aslong as we don't have alcohol we should be fine. i'm taking extra care to get the most out of maine this summer. bar harbor anyway. if everything goes to plan it'll be my last summer living on the island. i'm already a little nostalgic about it. i've been meaning to hike more every year and i still haven't done half the hikes in acadia. this summer. no second job, no bi-weekly drives to nashvegas. i'm going to get my ass to the park and climb some hills and ride the carriage roads. i really don't deserve to live here if i don't take advantage of it.

2006-04-26T09:38:00.001-04:00

2006-04-25T12:17:00.000-04:00

2006-04-25T11:25:00.000-04:00

i'm getting more resigned to the paint color in the bedroom. particularly as we have so much of it. we could paint the entire house inside and out i think. a world of pistachio. there is however a small problem with the wiring. the light in the bedroom works great, but none of the four switches in the house control it. every single swith (bedroom, bathroom, hallway) turns on and off the same light...in the living room. it's hilarious. especially as matt didn't do the wiring. his dad and his brother, the professional contractors, did it. they're going to have a great time figuring it out.

we're waiting for the ground to dry out to do the rest of the work. i have more painting to do and matt has a big long list of things to do. since i know nothing about pumps and lines and connecting the toilet...it's my job to go shopping all day and bring lunch at the appropriate hour. i can handle it, just about. it's almost sunny today so they might start work soon. i can't wait to have water out there.

in other news, matt's mom's birthday is friday. we painted a platter and i'm making her cream puffs (she doesn't like cake but she told me last year her mom used to make her cream puffs so i'm going for the kiss up award for making them). i really hope she likes them. i hadn't considered she'd gone off them but then they're never in the house. oh well, i have a week to worry about.

2006-04-20T11:52:00.000-04:00

you know it's tourist season when people come in to ask where the starbucks is. morons.

2006-04-17T12:39:00.000-04:00

this saturday matt's brother and his friend did the 40th annual kenduskeag stream portage...uhh canoe race. four hours of canoeing goodness. we hauled ass into town so we could stand in the cold and rain at six mile falls to watch them dump. they didn't tip, and neither did the guy who does the whole thing standing like a gondala dude, but a whole lot of other folks did. one guy screamed "fucking vultures" at the shore which was really nice for the children waving at their daddy.* a few boats actually sank more than tipped, water well covering the sides. some assholes next to us were shouting "bail bail, you can still win this thing." we laughed anyway.

it was great fun. it was great fun chasing them all over bangor and taking pictures. "here's a picture of them paddling, and another one of them paddling...". mostly we did alot of waiting in the rain. but we always knew when they were coming because nate was doing this primal male yelling thing the whole 16 miles and also shouting "that's my mom, say hi to my mom!" to his fellow paddlers as they passed us. it was an experience.

*who incidentally was trying to lift the canoe to empty it and wave at his kids at the same time.

2006-04-17T08:46:00.000-04:00

i just had to send a receipt to texas so an inmate can be released his copy of the prince i sold him on half.com. i'm torn between being freaked out about the combination of prisoners and machiavelli and worrying about my customer service at not providing a receipt earlier. i guess he's got time.

2006-04-14T16:21:00.000-04:00

i almost forgot about my neighbor, the horse lady. SHE GOT ANOTHER CAT. as in she had two already. and now she has another one. that's three. cats. in a studio.

i've been hearing cat fighting late at night. the screams wake us up and they scare the chairman. i thought at first that mr sad dog got a companion so the woeful howling would stop. but the howling and the cat screams and the incessent ammonia scent carry on.

i finally asked mr sad dog if he was hearing the ROWR's but he doesn't hear it. but he smells the litter. it comes up through his heating vent. and guess what, it comes up through mine too! matt discovered this as he was getting dressed this morning.

actually i'm kind of relieved. as completely disgusting as smelling the urine of three cats through the heating vent is...i'm glad it's not my cat pissing all over the house which is what i thought before. see, there's always a bright side!

it's going to be a very long summer.

2006-04-13T15:11:00.000-04:00

every poohy day at the bank makes me spend more time googling librarianship.

2006-04-11T12:42:00.000-04:00

why i love our trainee teller, a play in one act.

scene: two cars are parked together almost as though a battery is about to be jumped.

christine: i think we need to move your car a little closer
amy: yes, i was afraid to run you over. now i will get in my car and turn the key and hit the gas as to propel the vehicle forward.
(amy walks toward door of car)

enter morons 1 & 2, stage left

moron 1 : someone said you guys don't know what you're doing
moron 2 :yeah.

amy & christine: uhhhh, hello

moron 2 : these cars aren't close enough

amy: well thanks, but we're on it

moron 1: maybe we can like will it to move with our minds.

christine : don't you have a game of dungeons and dragons to get to?

2006-04-10T10:42:00.000-04:00

i've decided that with spring comes the crazies in public spaces. there was another singing lady in the athletic apparel section at target this weekend. and then in the dressing room. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. matt and i did alot of shopping and at the end of the day with the 600th child screaming "daddy! daddy!" matt said "i really have to make that appointment". he cracks me up

i chose colors this weekend and probably i'll paint next weekend. pine fresh and orange cream, bedroom and living room. they're better than they sound, i swear.

i have nothing else to say really, except that i had an epiphany this weekend. matt and i were talking about how i don't know what to do with my life. and he asked if i'd ever thought of being a librarian. HELLO! he said "you love books, you love helping people, it would be low stress..." he's absolutely right. why didn't i see it. i alphabetize my whole house! because i like it. so i'm going to look into how much schooling i need to be a librarian. he's a smart boy.

2006-04-06T15:35:00.000-04:00

i haven't felt much like blogging. maybe it's losing an hour. maybe it's the storm of the century weather (read: hail, snow and rain in the space of an hour). i don't know, but i'm a grump.

i am sort of looking forward to painting matt's house, which i'll get to do this weekend if the rain stops. i've been starring at paint chips the last few days. i'm partial to kissed awake and celadon green. atleast the celadon tells you what color it's supposed to be. the kissed awake, besides having a terrible name, is a sort of light pink that could be easily considered orange or maybe a peach. it's from the disney collection. i'd like it to be known that i was only looking at the disney paints because the lady in the behr section was singing. audibly. and with no tune or sense of stopping in the near future. who sings in home depot? why? she seemed to think it was a pleasant and adorable quirk by the way she smiled at everyone but really i just wanted to look at the yellows that aren't named after pooh.

2006-04-04T09:39:00.000-04:00

yesterday sucked ass. i had to go to the new branch* because someone was out. it was their first day in the new building and they were having a big party and no one knew where anything was and it was AWFUL. and also the phones and computers were dead and no one seemed very concerned. except me. when they left me to handle the whole bank and drive-thru by myself using the sharp machines** and with no money. either bob thinks i'm extremely capable or else he's a masochistic bastard.

i think probably he had no idea that i don't know how to use the sharp machines and they don't have written instructions like we do. and every vp of the bank was standing around eating cake while i quietly went insane. fortuitously i had to leave early for sara. sara who was passing out in our branch all day but couldn't go home because i wasn't there.*** it was madness. completely avoidable madness and that is what pisses me off. and also one of the video workers kept hitting on me and i was meaner than i need to be out of sheer frustration and i moved his ladder while he was still stuck in the ceiling. whoops.

i spent my day reminding myself that it's just a job and also to check the want ads on thursday when the papers come out. i'm tired of hearing how valued i am and then being treated like dirt. they didn't call today but i wouldn't have gone. i refuse to go back there. if they want me to be a floating teller they can pay me like a floating teller.

*it's very pretty by the way.
**overgrown adding machines, old school banking.
***i wasn't there because there was no one else in the whole organization that could be spared apparently but half the main office and the manager of the "busiest" branch had time to come and eat cake and stare at the steam rising from my ears.

2006-03-31T12:04:00.000-05:00

mrrow.

2006-03-31T11:56:00.000-05:00

yes, i am a girl.

2006-03-31T10:11:00.000-05:00

this week matt and i have been discussing the year quite a bit. i asked him what he thinks about being coupled versus being single. he said it's pretty much the same except he has two more cars to take care of. and then he said "well, your cars don't need all that much work". uh huh and then...

yesterday i made the call to change the insurance on the cars. since summer gas prices are already here and climbing, i put the honda back on the road. it makes no sense to drive the nissan when it gets almost half the mileage. so i rearranged the insurances to make the honda legally driveable and the nissan covered if a tree falls on it. so today, the honda had it's first day out. and it's thumping. something is wrong with the brakes. matt was really excited.

2006-03-30T11:19:00.000-05:00

jam-master T is here today. remember her, the one who awaits the rapture. she's here and i'm learning all about her wedding. in august. with the bridesmaids wearing red tube dresses. IN AUGUST. although probably they'd be just as horrible at any time of year. i weep for the main office tellers. their ears must bleed.

2006-03-29T13:27:00.000-05:00

mr. matt sent the most beautiful flowers! was i supposed to buy hom something??? anyone?

2006-03-28T12:29:00.000-05:00

i haven't mentioned the latest "do it yourself" banking class i've been taking, because i haven't been doing it. i finally started last week after it's been sitting untouched since JANUARY. and lo, it's ridiculously easy. i finished 4 chapters in less than an hour. i started to make a copy of my answer sheet to send in for correction when i noticed the backside of the answer sheet and another 4 chapters...uhoh. so i have an exciting evening planned studying banking regulation. and baking.

i made an avocado chicken salad thing for dinner last night. and matt asked to try it. WITH AVOCADOS IN IT. i'm floored. chicken was on sale this week so i bought a coop of it and now i have to think of exciting ways to use it. if you know any, feel free to forward.

i'm going to venture into the land of too much information and tell you wonderful people about my brassiere. it's driving me nuts. why the air pockets? WHY? and when you take them out, there's still all that extra fabric from the pocket holders.

that's all i've got going on today. banking and avocados and brassieres. and also tomorrow is the 12 monthaversary. keven wrote it on the shop calendar so matt won't forget. he's also been writing our initials in hearts on bits of paper and throwing them at matt periodically throughout the day. this apparently keeps kevin's mind off the cringe-worthy divorce he's going through right now. the circle comes full.

2006-03-27T09:31:00.000-05:00

matt broke his self on saturday moving machinery, so on sunday he came shopping with me. and he thought this was the easy option, HA. we went to sam's where i bought 4 pounds of butter and spent the rest of the time marveling at the enormous amount of crap available in bulk. if we bought the things we buy there i don't know where we'd put them all. 64 klondike bars. WHY? but then who needs 4 pounds of butter?*

because i had him at my disposal all day and we were in bangor, we decided to go out to lunch. since we're pizza whores whenever we can be, we decided to go to pizza hut because we saw a new one at the mall. to be honest we had planned our whole day around pizza once we had spied it. and then when we were all hungry we drove up and it's not open yet. it was a pizza mirage. we ended up at sbarro, equally whore-ish and decidedly cheaper but just not the same. and then because it was community day the girlscouts were at the mall and because they practice some kind of mind power we bought more girlscout cookies. i knew they were there and that's why i wanted to avoid going in to the mall. so actually it's pizza hut's fault that i bought more girlscout cookies and two pairs of shoes on clearance at filene's. i doubt matt will ever choose shopping with me as the lazy option again. he'd probably be more relaxed moving thousand pound machines all day.

*for a skinny boy he really eats a lot of butter. poor arteries.

2006-03-23T16:54:00.000-05:00

BABIES!

2006-03-22T13:11:00.000-05:00

so, how long has it been? that long. well, what can i say? i've got nothing. but kirsten left me a comment on myspace that made me feel all funny and smart and now i feel compelled to write something. the only remotely interesting thought i have right now regards the groceries i just bought. what part of a tuna does the "tuna loin" come from?

things have been pretty quiet here, although spring is definitely on the way. you know it's a slow time of year when three customers come in to tell you that there were cruisers at the grocery store and they took someone away. probably for a bad check but i'd love to think she stole some tuna loins, the saucy wench!

good lord, it's only wednesday. the humanity.

2006-03-14T09:19:00.000-05:00

yesterday i got my big book of home plans. i have marked the ones i like and well, that's most of them. i have 6 that i realllllly like and suit our mutual vision. i should tell matt he's got room to build me all of those houses. then i could visit myself and have me over for tea. or i guess i could pick one. he might even have an opinion. maybe.

today i am wearing the beautiful necklace that amy and kirsten sent me for christmas, and which i received yesterday. it was a really good day for packages. as a result i get to send mail, which is one of my favorite passtimes. i've been thinking about which stationary to use all night. instead of cleaning the living room or organizing the shed.

tonight, instead of cleaning the living room or organizing the shed, i'm going grocery shopping. i'm out of lettuce. and cucumbers. and organic yogurt. and i need more jiffy cornbread mix so i can make it for myself and eat it for dinner because if you count all the ingredients and the extra butter you hit all the food groups. it's alot easier than those croissants that take 12 hours to make. i should've known that simple and julia child recipe just don't go in the same sentence.

this weekend i ripped off a girlscout

2006-03-13T10:01:00.000-05:00

i feel so guilty, you can't even imagine. the saga starts two weeks ago when mary read in the paper that there were going to be girlscouts at the grocery store on friday selling cookies. since sara and i weren't solicited by a girlscout (although we'd be prime targets because we've bought enough boyscout popcorn to last until 2020 and we don't even like it that much) we were without cookies. and you know there's only a small annual window of cookie selling, so we were a little desperate. i had it on my calendar for two weeks, waiting.

on friday afternoon i cashed out early so i could go and be ready for the scouts. i stalked them for for half an hour*, and lo they never came. mary and sara were very dissapointed, sara more than anyone because she's pregnant and you don't deny pregnant ladies cookies. it simply isn't the done thing. so i called the mall. they often have girlscouts selling cookies, and we lucked out. the girlscouts of the abanaki council will be there on march 25-26. and there i was, patiently waiting for two more weekends. and then yesterday sara called me from the road to tell me the scouts were at trenton market, and even in costume.

i battled with myself for a while before getting in the car and backtracking to trenton just to buy cookies at 3.50 a box. i bought five boxes.** the total was 17.50, i gave her a twenty. she gave me 3.50 change. i didn't count it until i got home. i was feeling really bad until sara said they almost cheated her a dollar so i'm hoping they break even in the end.

*this post was going to be called "stalking girlscouts" but i thought better of it.
**to which matt said "do we have enough?" they weren't all supposed to be be for us.

2006-03-11T10:11:00.000-05:00

i came to the library to upload some pictures but it seems i can't. not from this computer anyway. bummer.

2006-03-09T13:18:00.000-05:00

it has become a running joke between matt and myself that i can't stop buying soap. i bought some more ivory the other day (buy two bar sets and get a dollar off, that's 6 bars for $.94). it's not like we won't use it. eventually. whenever he asks me what my plans are i say "i have to go to the store, we're running out of soap." and he laughs uncomfortably while he decides whether or not i'm kidding.

holly talked me out of a four bottles of shampoo for 3 dollars deal, rationalizing that it's not a brand i use. she's right. and also, where would i put it. the cupboards are already teeming with personal products*. i counted nine open bottles/tubs/vats of hair products currently in use in my bathroom. they are all different. i did not include samples or trial versions in my count. i've been experimenting with using more than one. i'm trying to find the best combination so i can use twice as much product per day and thus lighten the load.**

these are the thoughts that fill my day. using up the hair gel and finding somewhere to stash all my soap. and then matt's grandmother gifted him a diamond ring. this part is kind of a long story: matt and his brother were bemoaning the tradition (?) of spending 3 months salary on an engagement ring. matt's mother assumes that he is upset because he can't afford one and the grandmother(who is very nice) gave him the ring as a gift because they all think he's desperate to propose but can't afford to. in fact the complaining isn't personal it's the injustice of the thing that pisses them off. however, his family must like me.

*is that phrase too vagisil to be used for soap and shampoo?
**i was telling matt this and i added that i needed to buy a clarifying shampoo to remove the layers of gel. he looked so sad i pretended i was kidding about buying more shampoo. but i'm not really, that shit takes a toll.

2006-03-07T15:34:00.000-05:00

according to the referrals, someone is really interested in whether elvis ever dated a woman named sarah. can you imagine how many pages i have that say "sarah". i get the weirdest referrals from people googling elvis. but i'm getting used to it. i should start linking to information about the movie, the audio clip, everything having to do with "elvis has left the building" because it makes me sad that folks come here and get disapointed. they should get value for their clicks.

another frequent referral (right under "build your own ice luge" which i love) is "how do you pronounce gallaudet?". i feel bad about this one too because probably that page is a bit rude. i mean, maybe the deaf know more about french than i do. it's very hard to say, and as i have no deaf folks in proximity to ask, i guess i have to just hope i'm not offending anyone too much.

*for folks looking to pronounce the name of the college in DC it's Gal Law Det, not Guy a Det a la francais.

2006-03-07T14:09:00.000-05:00

according to pinky and fark.com jen jones was made homecoming king. that rocks. the article is so funny because we know all those people and it's just like being there to read what they say. the irony is that none of those students who opposed the majority vote have ever looked through the old yearbooks in the library where there are a number of satin pant clad young women parading as princes and kings of the homecoming court BEFORE men were allowed even to commute. they revived the tradition but forgot the history. i suppose that's to be expected.

however, it's awesome for jen. she was always kind and respectful and a wonderful model of a hood student, with or without a dick.

2006-03-06T14:10:00.000-05:00

did i mention i have to give a speech tomorrow. about the myriad lessons learned in my stupid tuesday morning class. i was really hoping to get hit by a bus before this day arrived. or get a new job. or, well, anything besides have to give a speech about what the "customer" has taught me. all bullshit ideas welcome, i'm desperate. there were no qualifying factors of length or anything like that. it's not like they can fail me, or fire me for not getting what they want me to get out of the class. or maybe they can. i don't know. reckon i can google "generic graduation speech" ? 17 hours counting.

2006-03-06T09:37:00.000-05:00

the grocery shopping was so thrilling this saturday, i'm practically shaking with anticipation to blog about it. i had my big fish moment of coupon savings, the transaction that all other coupons will be compared to. i got my sales flyer on saturday because i was at another branch on friday, but it's ok because if i had known the taco shells were on sale for a dollar on friday i would have made matt come with me to ellsworth on friday night just so i could buy them. you see, i had a coupon for a dollar off. this is what i dream of every sunday whilst i clip. i was so excited i almost called holly from the aisle. but it was only 8:30 and i just don't think she'd ever forgive me. i really have to take up crocheting.

in other weekend news, we hiked up matt's mountain to see where he wants to build a house. it was 3.5 miles and i spent many of those miles on my ass. slippery slippery mountains. since my suffering was so great, i talked him into building a slightly larger house than he really wanted. he decided my happiness was worth a few square feet here and there. bless him. the site was very pretty, but it's going to be the longest driveway in the history of driveways. we also bought a book of house plans. i love house plans, i may never be able to put this book down. in the hours i should be blogging i'll be trying to decide whether i like this foyer or that one. it should be a good distraction from the coupon thing. he's a tricky matt.

2006-03-03T09:52:00.000-05:00

i'm at the no fun branch all day. because they're a person down. so my branch is now a person down. and it makes me ANGRY.

2006-03-02T12:47:00.000-05:00

actually, there isn't much more of a story than i fell on my ass and when i tried to push myself up my hand was stuck to the ice. it was just like that time sarah said it was so cold that she had survival panic and my hand stuck to the optometrist's doorknob (evil fucking optometrists) except this time i broke my butt too. two birds, one stone. i tried to buy some dainty gloves last night. like ice skaters wear. but they don't sell them in march. every store is chock full of bathing suits. we're having the worst weather of the winter and they're stocking swimsuits. (i really want to type "Red Commie Bastards" here but probably it's not all that applicable)

in other news my shoulder is broken again. i'm thinking about a bubble bath and i'm very nearly drooling on my station. i really have to call the chiropractor. i've always wanted to go and now i have a reason and i won't make the call. dumb dumb dumb. and to top it all off i brought in the wrong tom robbins book to mail, i thought i sold skinny legs and all but it was half asleep in frog pajamas. rats.

2006-03-02T09:42:00.000-05:00

i'm working at another branch this morning, due to the stupid training program we all have to take. i'll be back later with a story about how my hand was stuck to the frozen ground yesterday, i always feel weird about blogging from other branches.

2006-02-28T14:22:00.000-05:00

since i got on the healthy lifestyle bandwagon i've been thinking alot about my history with exercise. pretty much that would be gym class. 45 minutes a day, three times a week, pretending like i did whatever it was we were supposed to have done. i hated gym class. the only good thing about gym class was when holly was with me. but holly was alot more talented with sports than i was, there's a shrine to prove it, so she wasn't as afraid as i was.* i was up nights thinking about how much i didn't want to go to gym class. class itself was rarely dissapointing in being fucking scary.

there's a feast of reasons to hate gym class. you could not be picked for a team and have to wait for the teacher to place you on a team while everyone on that team groans loudly.** you could get hit out in dodgeball within nanoseconds of the game starting, depressing. or you could have to do gymnastics on balance beams and springboards with no training at all. the latter happened to me in 6th grade. holly was with me and we successfully bullshitted our way into getting no further in our gymnastics careers than performing summersaults over and over again. take that kerri strugg.

i remember that in the seventh grade we were tested in our ability to do sit-ups and push-ups and the like. they counted how many we could do and wrote it down. i think this was my favorite gym class ever. the summer before 7th grade i had decided i was fat and i was determined to do something about it. so for hours every day i holed up in my room and did sit-ups and push-ups while watching re-runs on wnds.*** however sad and misguided, i kicked ass on that gym test. so much so that one of the whiniest skinny girls**** i ever knew had the gaul to ask me if i was lying about how many sit-ups i did. i was really proud that day. i don't know what happened to that kind of willpower and singlemindedness. it wouldn't hurt me today to spend some time doing sit-ups and push-ups. nah...

*her parents have a case full of the medals she won ice skating and they refuse to take it down.
**i think i've mentioned that i was that kid who's only goal scored in their life was on their own team. so i guess the groaning was with good reason and i can't really blame them.
***this was the new england independant station and the only station i received on the tv in my room, it adds appropriately to the sadness of my 12 year old life. i should also mention that this is the summer my mother decided i had an eating disorder because i would only eat toast. i just really liked toast, and i was too lazy to cook anything else for myself during the day. i remember she took me out to lunch at friendly's to get me to eat something and then she wouldn't let me order ice cream because it would make me fat. irony?
****her name is emblazened on my brain. she's the same girl who convinced my 8th grade history team to perform a dance for a class project. THE HORROR!

2006-02-27T09:12:00.000-05:00

i was all in a dither friday because i didn't get my shaw's super savings guide. i was checking my mail every hour and not one word on my savings potential. i went home sad and a little angry. i rushed into town on saturday morning to pick it up so i could arrive at shaw's educated and enlightened, but it was all for naught. the post office done me wrong. instead i had to park my cart in the bagged salad section, blocking shopping traffic, to scope out the bargains. a little old lady whisked by me and said "amateur" under her breath, it was humiliating.

i was never into competitive sports in school, but i really think i've found my calling in competitive shopping. or maybe it's more about getting the best deal. i very nearly pulled an ER-esq Eric Lasalle move when i saw the cabot cheeses were on sale. i've been holding a coupon on the cabot cheese ($1 off 3), i knew it was going to go one sale (2 for $4) making my purchase 3 for $5 and therefor beating the damn system. what the hell am i going to do with 3 blocks of cheese, who cares! it was double the savings!!!

i have a lot of coupons like this, and i patiently wait until the product goes on sale. it's becoming my favorite passtime and my only real hobby. there's a well-known trick of writing flattering letters to your favorite manufacturers to get coupons in return. i could do a form letter. the stamps would be minimal considering the money in the bank coupon return. the short of the long on this post, i need a damn intervention. a bargain shopper intervention.

matt doesn't see a problem with the clipping. i think he sees any attempt at my saving money to be gold stars on my application for wifehood because he believes that one day i'll be saving HIS money. but i consider every penny saved to be a penny i could be spending on chocolate, and that's one hell of a motivator. i have a chocolate fund that's going to need it's own brokerage firm soon. and all because of coupons. but the post office, they're really holding me back. not only do they refuse me my rightful sales bulletin, but i can't get the sunday paper delivered. the sunday paper chock full of coupons. folks with no address can't get the paper, i'd have to go and BUY it every sunday. it all amounts to the man keeping the people down. bastards.

2006-02-23T09:28:00.000-05:00

where the fuck did those old posts go? fucking blogger.

2006-02-23T08:41:00.000-05:00

i learned so much this weekend that i just can't process it all. he checked himself into the hospital this time. and probably he won't be coming back out. if he carries on he'll be at the state hospital for a long time. he thinks the neighbors want to kill him.
he's lucky to be somewhere where he can't take all his pills at once. we're all lucky he's somewhere he can't make a pre-emptive strike on the neighbors, like burning down their house or something.
i've been living this week on autopilot* and it's fucking boring. i'm tired and bored of waiting for this brother of mine to sink or swim. and now he's sinking. i've been waiting for this situation to come to a head since he drank his way to expulsion from college. i guess now it has. and it sucks.
he needs every day care. he needs someone to watch him take his meds. to make him take a shower, brush his teeth, take his sneakers off when he goes to bed. my dad can't do it anymore. his son is 32 years old and he's still raising him.
sometimes when i read flea's posts about her son alex i get flickers of my brother. matthew definitely has a disease, a syndrome, a problem but he functions well enough that it was never diagnosed and no one knows what it really is. he was labeled lazy, or stupid, or incompetent and then he was left behind. there's something wrong that keeps him from wanting the normal things that adults want, like living on their own and forming relationships. there's something that keeps him from being able to answer questions like what he wants for dinner.**
i've been tossing all these thoughts around my head and since there are no answers there is no end to it.
the hospital is the safest place he can be. i'm more concerned right now that they'll let him out rather than keep him forever. my father is at his wit's end. if they let him out, dad plans to sell the house and move. if it comes to that i wonder if he knows where emily lives and if they should move too. it's hard to believe that he could harm the kids but it's hard to believe that the neighbors shout curses at him from their porches. shit, none of the neighbors even HAVE porches.
i thought last year was the horrible year to end all horrible years, but there seems no end to the pain.

*until this morning when i went on my run and locked the door behind me. and then i had to break in through one of the windows and then i noticed that the other door was unlocked anyway. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

**he has answered this question exactly the same since i can remember...FOOD. i've never understod that because he's a picky eater and he was never happy with what was served. a rational mind would request something that the body liked to eat, but then who said he was rational.

2006-02-16T08:51:00.000-05:00

i started a lazy ass running program this morning. i can't believe i used to run for half an hour whenever i felt like it, and now it's going to take ten weeks to get back to that point. that's what happens when you're lazy, you need the lazy ass running program. but actually, i really enjoyed it. i never really liked going to the gym, unlike sarah who holds medals in weightlifting because she rocks the gym. i used to really like running. you get to see pretty stuff, listen to music, and burn a shitload of calories in a relatively short period of time. i was never a fast runner, possibly even more of a jogger, but who's keeping track?
so pretty much this program is great. all you have to do is run for one minute three times during a half hour walk. piece of cake. and then the next week you run for two minutes three times and so on and so on. it's easy enough to keep me from being frustrated and hard enough in this cold to make me breath hard.

enough of that excitement. it's another really beautiful day here. last week i found Nessy who used to live in my fish tank. i put him on my desk and he's gotten some lovely compliments. or maybe she's a she, are sea creatures generally male or female? but yesterday someone asked me if it was a seal. uhm no, it's the loch ness monster. and the poor dear had no idea what i was talking about. i thought everyone knew about Nessy.

2006-02-15T11:29:00.000-05:00

there are 24, i can't count. i have a dozen at home and a dozen at work. everyone was asking where he got them, he picked them up at sam's club. he's now an official member. better than bulk roses, we can buy bulk turkey bacon and cheese sticks. ROCK ON! i'm actually really excited about that. and since he paid the membership we should get his money's worth. i haven't wandered around a bulk sale place for ages, my parent's used to have a membership to all of them i think. my dad still does costco. even though there are only two of them.
valentine's day was very nice. the mousse was good and REALLY rich. matt hasn't eaten his...and he better soon or it's gone.
it was a nice valentine's day and i hope everyone else's was nice too!

2006-02-14T10:56:00.000-05:00

i have twenty three pink roses smiling at me right now. why twenty three, i don't know. but i'm thrilled. i love the pink, and the roses, and i'm very excited. i made him heart shaped cinnamon rolls. because when the fuck else am i going to use those heart shaped pans. i made them at work, in the toaster oven. because carby sugary things are not safe in my presence. i did however lick every frosting covered surface as i made them. no one's perfect.
things haven't been all that exciting here. i spend most of my time wondering which part of the turkey they use to make turkey bacon. and then i eat it anyway. but i have discovered that the sugar free werther's taste exactly like the original, and i say Bravo Werther's!

2006-02-10T08:27:00.000-05:00

according to my sister, dad has read the entire cellphone manual. and he's very excited about all the things it can do. please let him not download porn accidentally, i couldn't deal with that.

2006-02-09T12:45:00.000-05:00

i'm becoming one of those harried women who has to stop and take ten things out of her purse to find the wallet. it's driving me insane. i can't explain why i need 4 pens and 5 kinds of lipgloss in the bag, but i can't seem to part with any of them. i couldn't tell you why. i also have two checkbooks and an organizer. certainly i don't need both checkbooks all the time do i? and also, since i've become obsessed with my finances i have EVERY receipt from this calendar year in the bag too. surely there's a better place to keep them. but i can't seem to get around to it.
what i did get around to this weekend was finally setting foot in the big chicken barn. an antiques store that seems to go on and on and on. i bought a set of sandwich glass cups and saucers and matt bought two cast iron pans and some books.
the cups are quite like the depression glass i have, but the saucers are adorable little leaves, with aniche for the cup. i don't know who i'll ever entertain that will be content to sit and drink tea with me, but boy am i excited for it!

2006-02-08T08:02:00.000-05:00

my brother took all his pills at once the other day. he's out of the hospital and back to work today. he's got a brand new psychiatrist and a grief counselor and a group for people with aspberger's(spelled SO wrong i'm sure) to help him with learning life skills.* he'd been hearing more and more voices, but this doctor thinks it's because of the medication. or one of the medications. or something. it sucks.

emily and the babies are good. grace is teething and is very grumpy. she spends all day shouting "NO THANKYOU" at everyone, and everything. the emily post of baby tantrums.

matt's car doesn't like him. his words. the wheel barren is gone. also his words. you know i know nothing about wheel barrens, or wheels at all. i was following him and he swears the car was wobbling and the brakes were smoking, but i saw nothing. but then i was singing along to my new 90's dance mix album. with rythym is a dancer on it. how is one supposed to notice a boyfriend on fire when one is jammin'?

*it's a possible diagnosis

2006-02-03T13:25:00.000-05:00

the interview: went ok, it would just be me and this one guy working together. not what i pictured but we'll see what comes of it.
the back, neck, shoulder: feeling better with alot of advil. and many bubble baths. and the whining helps too.
the fat: i started the stupid south beach diet. so far it's very expensive, but not painful. and the sugar free candies have a warning label that says "excessive consumption may have a laxative effect" i think that's my favorite part of this experience. i haven't decided what to do about the thai lady who keeps bringing me iced tea. how can i decline thai iced tea? it's going to be difficult.

this picture is of the paramedics cutting mary's husband out of his truck. after he slid on some ice and MOVED A GRANITE BOULDER. a boulder. that was last friday and it's been a bit touch and go. largely he's more ok than he has any right to be considering the accident, but there are some scary complications at the moment and it's been a long week. i've spent more time giving reports on his condition to customers, neighbors, the fedex man and everyone else who knows and cares about them than i have been making deposits.

2006-02-01T09:18:00.000-05:00

my interview is indeed at the business school. and so scoop neck twinset it is. as mare suggests, it is something i would wear to the job. however, i did test out some suits and jackets but there's no way i could get to a tailor in time. better to have something that fits correctly, i think.
at the moment i'm covered in tiger balm patches. my back is broken. maybe it's karma for lying to the boss. i've been thinking, i wish i could fall ill on wednesday so it won't be such a shock thursday when i call in. and i got lucky. but how will i interview when i can't move my head. i guess pray there's only one interviewer and not a panel. it hurt a bit yesterday, and this morning it was awful. the patches make it as bearable as yesterday, but i'm really considering a chiropractor. or two.
mostly i'm sitting here thinking OW so there's not a whole lot going on to write about. Ow!

2006-01-31T11:03:00.000-05:00

so, new law: you send out four resumes to one organization and someone will call you for an interview. however successful that tactic is, it brings with it the difficulty of remembering which position administrative assistant 2 they called you about. it was one of two, better than one of four. and now i must heap the nervousness into piles so i can give each worry it's own special attention. firstly, what do i tell my boss? do i call in sick, or do i tell her i have an appointment and if so do i tell her what it is? advice very welcome.
next, what do i wear? i'm going to take a finetoothed comb through my wardrobe. and then i'm going to take a finetoothed comb through the mall. i can hear my mother saying SUIT SUIT SUIT. but i'd hardly feel myself wearing a suit, so i need something that has equivalent respectability but is less suity.
well, those are the biggies for piles of worry. i'm also a little worried that i won't be able to find the place (big ass campus) but that's easiest to deal with.*

i'm distracting myself from the freaking out by opening the last of my boxes from college. matt and i went home this weekend and my dad insisted that i bring the rest of them with me. i have two bags in the car to go to goodwill. one filled with shoes, which my beloved can hardly believe. i found 6000 hanging KOI fish. 5 new hair products. endless lotions and potions and a brand new bottle of calcium supplements. and also a lochness monster.**
my bathroom is out of control with the products. but i liked the new shampoo i tried this morning. high quality, even with the time warp.

*matt is making me a map! and the adorableness prize goes to...
**now peeping out of my station.

2006-01-25T11:10:00.000-05:00

yesterday my dad was telling me all about his south beach diet. he's lost 11 pounds and he's taking it as a challenge to find new and exciting stuff he's allowed to eat. it got us all talking about dieting and how much we like cheese so there might well be dieting in the future...DEAR GOD. but then i went and bought a whole bunch of granola bars and cinnamon toast crunch (on sale...) so there won't be any cheese bingeing until all that cereal is gone. the difficulty will be that i'll still have to feed matt as many carbs as i can(maybe intravenously) because if anyone doesn't need a diet it's him.
i should also mention that i bought hello kitty fruit snacks. for a dollar. they were the Extreme Value! they're definitely phase one, i'm sure of it.

2006-01-20T13:40:00.000-05:00

i just wrote a whole blog about miss pinky deciding whether or not to fold up her blog. mostly it was about how depressing my life is and how little i find worth sharing. the post was indeed so depressing that i erased it. proof in the making.
is it winter? is it genuine depression or just sadness. is it because i work in a bank and the intellectual stimulation is just nil. job searching and budgeting and trying on bras just doesn't make for an exciting lifestyle. they're all three stressful "activities"(so not the word i wanted...) and that pretty much sums up my hobbies.
so, uhm, the point was i totally understand the feeling that i should just pick up shop sometimes. but i used to really enjoy blogging and i wonder what changed.
i've been counting on the thyroid pill i'm going to be back on to enact a whole lot of change. so much so that it seems rather desperate and clinging.
and since i can't think of anything to follow that up, i thought i'd add some news.
two of the good opportunity jobs are out of the running. one because they picked someone else and one because the current holder decided to stay. there are still 4 live resumes out there (i can't help be reminded of grenades or landmines) and i do still hope that i get a call. i'm torn between thinking a change of scene would be disasterous or what i need to shine some light on things.
speaking of disasterous, this weekend is the bank's recognition event. hours of perky bankspeak with 150 of my favorite co-workers. i'm really considering having more than one drink. all the gory details on monday! if i can bear it.

2006-01-19T11:51:00.000-05:00

in 2006 i must buy a house. or have a kid, or go blind or become a widow. why? because i got seriously fucked on my taxes. like with that black baton shaped dildo sarah mentioned and george bush is wielding it. how's your day? seriously. i'm getting 8 dollars back from the gov, and i owe 6 to the state of maine. so, two dollars. this here is an all time low.
on the upside the thai lady keeps giving me free lunch. it's partially my fault because i can't understand her. sara is the one who tells me that she said "i'm ordering you lunch, you pick up in ten minutes". i just nod and smile because i have NO idea what she said. so, lunch. who can complain right? the US might be causing me trouble just now but the thai, they love me. and i got my newest martha magazine. life is full of blessings.

2006-01-18T11:28:00.000-05:00

i've done two of the icky things on my to do list today. one was call and change insurance on the honda which saves me a boat load of money and there's no reason i shouldn't have done it sooner. the other, was totally unnecessary. i didn't have to re-register the insurance on the car because it was never unregistered. and then i went and changed the honda's insurance so i'll have to do it again in 2 weeks anyway. arghh! the other icky thing i have to do is make an appointment for a physical. god how i don't want to do that. i never thought i had a doctor phobia, but i really don't want a physical. i do however have to get back on the thyroid medicine and it's no good the waiting. so, i must make an appointment today before i leave. or no more chocolate. that'll motivate me.
i made macaroni and cheese last night, with wagon wheels. and sadly, wagon wheels have no right to be in macaroni and cheese. it's just wrong. unfortunately i have to eat two more servings(currently frozen in corningware) before i am free. and then i'll go back to using ziti, as god intended.

2006-01-17T14:40:00.000-05:00

i'm currently listening to the fees related to my purchase at cingular. do i really have to listen to it? i'm just not sure. nope, it seems i didn't have to listen to that. i just chose new phones and a new plan for my dad and my sister. we're going to be an official cingular family. it's not going to be all that much more money to add them which really doesn't seem right but it's a sellers market. anyway, it's done.
my "customer" course wasn't all that unpleasant this morning. it's nice when everyone at the table is looking at their watches and not just me. i've been practicing my bread baking again. i made a rustic italian bread that is edible but rather bland. and some cinnamon rolls that are anything but bland, what with the extra 1/2 cup of sugar i added. ha. the kitchen smelled nice anyway.
did i write about how my current landlord is going to give me back my security deposit before the new one takes over? i can't remember but boy was i happy. it means i don't have to move and i won't lose any money. i'm so excited. i really didn't want to move. it's no fun moving every year. if i can get six more months out of this apartment, i'll be free and clear. what joy!

oh, and as an aside, i got my fat girl store brassieres. and they're fucking padded. the insanity. i just don't get it. it says nothing about the 1/4 inch thick fabric on the website. maybe you just need that caliber of fabric for that size brassiere. maybe that's the way it has to be, i just don't like it. not one bit.

2006-01-13T11:14:00.000-05:00

i've been a financially organized freak lately, budget budget budget. i also spent the morning moving up the chain of command at providian about some balance transfer shit*. so far it's all worked out. i just hope they keep their word(ha). i'm feeling extraordinarily positive about money just now. after all, the raise i got was generous. life changingly generous so while i am still sending out resumes, and also i'm going to stop whining.

*what they don't realize when they start fucking around with me is that i work in bar harbor and it's january. i have all the time in the world to speak to the supervisor. and the manager. and who ever else they have in there.

2006-01-11T09:21:00.000-05:00

i thought that since i own two admirable but ultimately worthless automobiles that it would be a really great idea to taunt myself with a new car. so last night we test drove the subaru wrx that's been sitting over at stanley's. i loved it. it's a very cool car indeed. the seats, it's like a sofa. the pedals are aluminum like a race car. and i am SO not allowed to buy it. but it will go on my want list. along with this one.
we saw a few adds in the uncle henry's for 1966 230S's going cheap. matt suggested i check out the body style. is there anything more adorable than a fintail mercedes? the purchase price is a hell of a lot more reasonable than the subaru. and i have a rabid mechanic who will love nothing more than to keep her purring.
i have some kind of car bug lately. i'm finding them more and more fascinating. four wheel drive particularly. although i'm sure i'll live to regret giving a car dealership my phone number.

2006-01-09T14:44:00.000-05:00

i took mare's ocean quiz. and not because i'm bored because i have the new charles todd to read.

I'm a O76-C64-E42-A79-N18 Big Five!!