Letters to my boyfriends mom: his beautiful girl

"This is my son Tom and his beautiful girl, Sandy."  I am not Sandy and Tom is not my boyfriend.  I am the girlfriend of your oldest son, the one you pointed to and said "oh and this is Matt and Amy".  You can't know how much it hurt me that you did that to me, to us.  This is my other son who is of no consequence and his girlfriend who is too ugly to deserve an adjective.  I guess it could have been worse, you could have said that I was his ugly girl Amy.  I suppose that would have been worse, to have it spelled out in words in front of your whole family instead of just the unsaid criticism that I'm not as good as a girl who had two kids with a drunk and has the brains of an invertebrate.

But I'm not supposed to be sarcastic or flippant because the whole point of this exercise is to be more zen.  This is an exercise in not alienating my boyfriends family with my continued anger about things that happened in the past and while I completely deserve to be angry about them I deserve happiness and peace more.  So I am writing down all the things that hurt me in an effort to let them go.  Even if I have to write the same post about that day over and over again I will and eventually I will conquer my anger and regain my peace because no one who makes me feel like shit deserves to keep making me feel like shit.  So that is my project, to talk about all the things that hurt me and let them go and move on.

It really hurt to be called out like that, the ugly girlfriend of your worthless son.  It also really hurt the day you reminded me in front of everyone not to eat the olive pizza because it belonged to a child.  Not only am I apparently so fat that I must steal food from children but I don't even like black olives.  So, you know nothing about me and you think I'm a big fat slob who steals food from kids.  Thanks a lot!  Nice to have a mom!  (this no sarcasm thing is going to be hard...buddha was hardcore to be zen without any sarcasm at all...)

clear desk policy

Since the post it note debacle I wrote about at the other blog I've been keeping nothing on my desk at work. Would it be easier to keep the boss' number on a post it rather than look it up every time I need it? Yes, but its not worth the trouble. At the weekend I always gain enough confidence to face the week and think of this nonsense as a learning experience. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about HR and MEMIC and anything else I can use in the future. Be smart is my new motto, which I will try to keep as long as he doesn't drive me bat shit crazy.

Ironically, as much as I hate my state of affairs right now I rather like the tone of my life. When I have a good day at work I like the leisurely pace of 9-5 and arranging my own schedule and wearing jeans to work. That is the number one reason I don't want a corporate job again, I likes the casual dressing. The money and the dress code.

Everyone feels trapped by the money. It's the one thing he gets right but I suspect it's all part of his grand manipulation plan, either that or he realized everyone would quit if he was cheap and a bastard. The money is the biggest problem for me and worse since I haven't been the best saver this last month. I could have a lot more of a nest egg than I do, I've been feeling the freedom of having a bit of spare cash. New computer, high speed interwebs, shiny new casual clothes, all things I would never have done last month if I was still at the bank. I'm deeply ashamed.

been a while

The last time I wrote here I was all excited about the new job, and then I got very un-excited about the new job, and today I'm neutral. Last week was kind of stinky but then yesterday wasn't so bad. I got a "very nice" and a "thank you" when I left so I'm feeling much better just now. The feeling might crash at any moment but, whatever...that's sort of the point of living, to have the experiences. I'm practicing being open minded and self confident and ROAR! Must make the most of this as it's what I professed to have wanted for so long. I'm a worry wart I guess and I have no reason to be. The paycheck, dear god the paycheck...the one part of my job I'll always like. I can't wait till friday. I do have exciting things to do today, playing with pictures and making things pretty. I only have to call and complain to one phone company today which is a total bonus. Yesterday I had to call two, but mr. bookkeeper said I was "good" for getting a bunch of credits back...no wonder I liked yesterday so much...it was pretty darn good.

New job, busy busy!

It's going to be a long week, saying goodbye and training in my spare time for the new job. I've only said goodbye to a few people so far and it's been traumatic. I guess it's nice to hear all my customers say they're pulling their business because I'm leaving. I told my boss that I had no idea what an effect I had on folks and she said "you did affect people, you do and you will" and then we were all on the brink of tears. It was a very hallmark moment. I don't think I've ever said that before and not meant to be sarcastic about it.

I honestly had no idea how difficult it would be to switch jobs. I had to google resignation letter as I've never written one. I'm sure it's the right decision and I'm ready to go where it takes me, but it's harder than I thought to leave. That job was my emotional crutch through a lot of things and I very clearly understand why I couldn't/didn't move on earlier, I just wasn't ready. It would have been impossible to make a move like this any sooner. If I was working a job like this new on when my mom was sick I would have made a complete blunder of it.

Rash would be so much more fulfilling

It's hard trying to be a grown-up. I'm sitting around biting my tongue waiting to hear about any of the gaggle of resumes I've sent out over the last few days. Typing that sentence made me realize that I have no idea where my cellphone is, the cellphone unto which I have directed all of my possible interview calls. Shit. This is so me. Odds on I can't find it and have a meltdown. You know of course that it's set on vibrate so I can't, you know, call it or anything and find it the easy way. Damn. We know I'll go insane buy a new one with money I don't have the minute before I walk out on my job only to find it the second I get home from the store. Guess I have a plan atleast. Freak out, spend money! gotta have a plan.

So, what's new? The readership here has grown an awful lot since I started, you know, posting things here. It's changed a lot, I know most of you are coming over from Athena and that's awesome. Sometimes I don't feel very well rounded over there (pun totally worthwhile!) and I do actually have interests above feeding my gob. With my whole five minutes of wealth I bought myself the latest PJ Harvey with a coupon. It's very good, very soothing really. I was going to buy rainbows next...but alas.

No new computer, no new cds...I'll trade my car in for one like the Flintstones had...it'll be alright. If there's one thing that getting out of debt taught me it's that things are just things and money is just money. Food, water, heat and I'm good. If I don't have a job I don't have to even shower! Think of all the soap I can save! This is where my months/years of coupon shopper hoarding has come in handy. Things we'll never run out of at my house include: Ivory soap (matt's favorite), Toilet paper, and tuna. You can live a long damn time with all that stuff. There's a hefty amount of shampoo too, even the fancy brillian brunette kind! If I watched a few more episodes of Macguver we'd really be set for life.

I expect the many ways my life will be changing will mean I'll be here a lot more. What with all the nothing to do. And there are a lot of emotions to digest. I can feel myself getting less and less angry as the days pass. I really want to stay mad, I want to be pissed and indignant and yeah I want to be mean too. None of those are smart, grown up ways to live. I do think it's important to stand up for myself, I just need to be smart about it. I had so many plans that are getting trashed by this turn of events. I have to remember that life isn't about plans coming to bear. It's everything else that happens while you're waiting around for the time to be right. A sucky plan, even if completed successfully, is still sucky and money is just money.

Get off her lawn!

Thursday is paper day here on MDI, which means it's also what nonsense have folks called the police over this week. I thought the best one would be the escaped chicken on the Crooked Road but I think the lady in Southwest who reported problem ducks in her yard is my new favorite. What did she expect the police to do, come over and shoot them? There's also an article complaining about hiring a second firefighter. The gall! Two whole firefighters! and more than one police officer on duty at a time! it's anarchy.

I thought I'd be happier

When I was at the height of my "oh my god I owe THAT MUCH" debt I thought I'd be automatically happier when I was free. Less stressed anyway, it seemed a sure bet. It seems that what I've done is trade one stress for another. I no longer worry about whether I can pay all my bills with my tiny ass paychecks, now I worry about whether I'll be able to retire on my tiny ass 401k allocations. Which is ridiculous because not so long ago it was a lucky thing that I had money to allocate at all, money that didn't have to be thrown at debt to keep all my payments up to date. I'm crossed between deserving a break from financial worry and believing that I don't deserve one after fucking up so badly.

I read a lot of debt blogs where the writers missed payments or had things go to collection and I have to remind myself that I'm lucky that I turned things around before that ever happened to me. Things could be a lot worse for me than only putting 6% to retirement. Two years it took me to slog my way out of debt, two years and a lot of lucky breaks. I feel like I have to make up for it somehow, make up for lost time. The financial anxiety just has moved around but hasn't left and that's really disappointing to me. And, you know, anxious making.

Financial security, in my head, is the image of someone sitting at a big old desk with a leather ledger and a tell-tale cock of the head. I suppose I do that with my spreadsheets but excel just isn't as comforting as you'd think. Mostly I look at it and think "MORE MORE MORE, HAVE TO SAVE MORE!". My next budget venture, the rest of my life budget, should be really awesome. Counting your deposits before they happen awesome, but I think I left myself enough room to enjoy things and save half my paychecks. Save half my paychecks, I can't believe I'm that person and I'm still not calm and happy and all the things that I wanted money to buy. God, how frustrating.

Buchanan, those were the days

My dad was really, really disappointed that my uber conservative uncle wasn't at the Christmas party this year. Of all the years to go to Feliz Navidad in Florida it had to be the year we got a Christmas card from the Clintons. Apparently ten bucks to the NH Democrats buys you a lot of liberal cheer. I forget how big the primary thing is in NH since I haven't lived there in ten years. There are signs everywhere, forcing me to google NH Primary to find out the damn date: January 8, 2008. I know the point is that it's early but I'm genuinely shocked. Shocked at the date and that so many people in Merrimack have Ron Paul signs in their yards. Reminds me of my youth "borrowing" the Buchanan signs from the highway which my mom miscontrued for a true interest in politics and/or collecting and started stealing one of each sign for me. I still have them somewhere because you never know when Forbes for President will be a collector's item.

Shopaholic

Damn you Amazon and your deals of the day. I just ordered all three seasons of Arrested Developement for thirty bucks. I'm a dvd buying machine lately and it's not good. It's been a very spendy Christmas. I felt like since it's the first time I haven't been sorry ass broke, I should make an effort to get nice things for the people I love...and have stiffed every other year. It seems I love me too since I've also bought the Angel series, Harry Potter and Serenity on the cheap. Tsk tsk, I'm a bad, bad budgeter this month.

Looking at the side bar this is like the 8th post for 2007. Slacker and a halfer. I'm wanting that to improve. Amongst other things. Other wants. 2008's going to be an interesting year. A year where I won't be able to play on the interwebs 8 hours a day. If I can abstain as I should under the new management. I'm going to be getting all fancy with the works at home. I'm planning on a new computer and possibly some high-speed service for the house. Losing the connection every 10 minutes is sort of annoying even when you don't pay for it yourself. I should be doing these things at home and it will be great for my repetitive motion injuries to not be idle with the mouse 8 hours a day.

Speaking of idle, I'm trying to think of ways to not have to be at work all week. A part time job, an online store, somesort of catering/baking when I have space to do it. I've dedicated myself to getting out of debt and it worked, I've dedicated myself to getting healthy and shedding pounds and that is working, I can dedicate myself to becoming financially independant if I want it bad enough. And if I can't click that dumb gold box at Amazon every five minutes. That would help too.

Finally

The phone line is now offically set up and working at home and we've only logged on once. When I used to do dial up I used my free juno and dialed in where ever and it was fine. It now officially sucks, not that I'm surprised, so we've been using Matt's AOL. That sort of sucks too and now I guess I should be researching ISP's. It's exactly as exciting as it sounds, researching ISP's in rural Maine. I'd like to have something good set up for the new computer whenever I get around to that. It's hard work being this lazy.

More like a duck

The verdict on my turkeys was more waterfowl, but they tasted amazing. I made a pumpkin cheesecake too, which was yummy and also huge and will probably end up trashed. One dessert next year, something to remember.

Cupcakes to gobble up!

Ok, that's a lame title but I guess I'm in the spirit because I love it. We're having Thanksgiving with Matt's family this year and I really want to do something cute for dessert. Turkey cupcakes. Some of them are pretty cute, and some are just awful. There was a biscuit and cranberry and mashed potato frosting cupcake on cupcakes take the cake I can't even link to, it fills me with ire. Martha has a sweet coconut one, which could be fun. This is more or less what I was thinking, I have a lot of candy corn to use from Halloween. I could use it this way too, but that looks like a little too much work for me. These look amazing, but I think I'm too lazy. And these, no, just no.

My plan is pretty much to make a dense chocolate cupcake, sort of a small one to only fill the cup halfway and use piped chocolate mousse to make a bird shape. I wanted to use candy corn if only to get rid of it, but I'm thinking almonds for a beak and butt feathers might be more elegant. Who doesn't want a turkey with an elegant butt?

Just like I never did nothin'

So, I put it back the way it was. So fickle. I just need to wrestle that lamp out of my sister's basement and it'll be just like college. She does want me to build a wall this weekend, maybe I can barter. And why would she think I can build a wall? I mean, really, we have the same genes...she should know better. If anything I'd be a foreman and then take workmans' comp when I spill hot coffee on my lap.

Trolling the archives

I looked and looked and I can't find the post where crazy ex-girlfriend exhibit A chucked rocks at my window all night...but I did find this gem!

Matt was talking to the cat this morning as I was just waking up. He was trying to convince her to jump up to the couch: "You can do it, it's not higher than it was yesterday". He was lifting her up as I walked in to the living room "She has low fur-esteem today". Indeed.

A blog, re-invented

If you're here, you know who I am and what used to be here. It's not gone, just put aside. Turns out I'm not stone hearted enough to delete years of "Hey, let's go to the dining hall!" posts, but not soft enough to leave them up for eternity. I've been thinking about going back to a two blog format for awhile. My interest in saving and investing (interest...savings...hehheh) has grown and it really doesn't belong on the other site. Dividing Elvisngraceland and AthenaLaughed worked really well for me last time, I'm hoping this goes just as well.

I was thinking this would mostly be a money site but that idea bores even me, so we'll see. I'm working out the links, turns out this site is so old they didn't get transferred like when I updated Athena. And I just got a reunion notice from Hood, we're both getting old.

and i fell down the stairs.

imagine, i used to come here and write things about college and the dorm and the completely insane freshmen we all hated. it's like a different world. and then i started writing about how i hate my job but i never actually did anything about it. nothing like moving and starting over. nothing that would actually make any difference. and then my mom died and i stopped writing here. that was over two years ago and sometimes it seems like yesterday that i closed the door on this outlet. well closed it enough that only bitter ramblings and halfhearted updates slipped through.

what a mess. i'm not entirely certain what to do about it. i would like to have a place where i write about the exciting turns my life is taking, beyond the scope of my waistband. the problem is that i'm not actually doing anything exiciting. or anything at all. i want to start this business but i'm not ready. we want to build a house but we're not ready for that either. the waiting is sort of killing me. the in-betweens of existing just aren't big enough to live in.

and then i got a post card from a sweetheart at ithaca. we worked together at the koi shop and we were related by chosen family, cousins by friendship. she hasn't forgotten that time that i have been choosing not to remember and it kind of makes me think that not only do i suck but i am also blind. i've been thinking i have nothing to write about because i haven't had any experiences but in honesty i've insulated myself so thoroughly against experience that i wouldn't know what to do with a worthy story if one came pouring down my arms into the keyboard.

this is me attempting to at the very least document the nothing and what i make of it. god help me if i let it flounder again, delete delete delete.

i have another interview. at a museum. ha. only took three years. if i was anymore excited my head would implode.

i have a job interview. for an actual job. and i was the first one they called. because i rock. YES! (insert over-dramatic eric lasalle move here)

some poor summer kid thinks i'm stealing his money, or something. he hasn't kept any records but he's sure he's given us more deposits than what he has in his account. except he hasn't. i spent all morning printing out papers for him, he's coming in later. if we've made a mistake, we will rectify it. but you have to prove it to me. you have to say i made x deposit on y day and you have it entered incorrectly here. you can't just say gee i should have more money what did you do with it. i don't really want people to think i steal their money, or put it in the wrong place wantonly. this is not how i wanted to spend my afternoon before vacation, trying to convince some kid that indeed he has spent a shitload of money this summer.