it should be known that when i point out an article such as the one below you should assume that i'm being sarcastic. actually, you should always assume that i'm being sarcastic. like when i said "my career as a rabbit didn't work out" i didn't even try being a rabbit. so i guess that was more even a lie than sarcasm. but, just to clarify, gross untruths all the fuck over this site.

big breasts do make you smarter.

i have had literally no customers today. mercy has had 2 i think...one of which was mr. enterprises who wanted me to know that another bank cashed his check for him and he thought about pulling his accounts. sir, i will not break a law for you. your sister in law at the other bank might, but i will not. it's all kinds of illegal what he did.

matt, if you are braving town today...you should come to the bank and get some carrot cake. you would not believe how much carrot cake i have. and it's good. really. if you like carrot cake. just a thought.

mr. sad dog came over to tell me last night that my lights were on. i've done this alot lately...because car does not beep(argh!). and this morning he helped me get my doors open. they were very very frozen. as in ice inside and outside the door. unfortunately he could not start his car, which was sad. i offered my services, because we know how helpful i am with automotives, but i think he's going to stay home and play with sad dog. i was going to offer him some cake but i thought that might be weird. take my cake, please!

i am going to bake a lot of carrot cake tonight. because carrots were on sale a few weeks ago and my career as a rabbit didn't work out.

and also...i might have mentioned it before...but it bears repeating: if you have a check written to a business, you cannot cash it. if you have a check written to a business, you cannot deposit it into a personal account. if you just decided to call yourself "name here enterprises" and had a company issue a check to you in that name, you are an idiot. it's not my fault. i will not break the law to help you out. especially when you are a jerk and you only had the check made out that way so your scheming wife couldn't get her paws on your money. bastard.

remember that time i drove to the grocery store instead of walking because it was raining and then i hit that car parked really close to me and then the owner of that car was all pissed off standing in the road. yeah, that was fucking awesome.

i almost forgot to update about the shark! roar!! it totally picks up dirt. even on the carpet, with the pile, you know the one which previously shunned all vacuuming efforts. i swear a tear came to my eye. it was a very special moment. and so now i must clean, or rather vacuum, everything in sight. you see, this vacuum has attachments. little hoses and nozzles for those hard to suck spaces. it's amazing. and y'all thought i was kidding about that stepford thing. sadly, no. all i need is a twinset and some pearls. and probably more hairspray. and a husband who is nice enough to lift his feet off the floor while i vacuum but doesn't put down his paper. and then i smile at the camera and shake my head slightly in that what we do for men because they're so helpless way.
please lord god send me some customers and i'll never lie to the priest again! i promise.

*sarah my love, this is special just for you...i buffed my nails last night and they are soooo soooooft. and well actually, that's about all that happened at my house last night. i did make that spinach chick pea thing you said you liked, and tonight i'm going to try to bake bread. i'm working on my degree in stepford. oh my god! sarah did i tell you i found sticky sweet rice for that vietnamese thing with the beans. i might try to make it for holly when she comes. won't we be multi-cultural?

my comment on moonshadow this morning got me to thinking about that pesky expensive education in history that i have hanging around and how maybe i should use it for something. and since i signed on to blogger instead of packing my bags to volunteer for the smithsonian, i'm going to regale you with a tiny civil war history lesson. this could be a weekly treat. wouldn't that be great. ok, well on to the knowledge. we're going to start with one of my favorite stories from the frederick area.
so, it's like before the war really started "officially" but like the abolishionists (ie: the north) and the pro-slavery-ists (ie: the south) are all angry with eachother and vying for power in the senate and settling the west in their respective interests. a few states vote to secede and a few states threaten to vote to secede. so things in the district are escalating. lincoln is getting a tad nervous as virginia votes to leave the union and a regiment from massachusetts gets called up to come to dc and post guard on the new "enemy border".
maryland, in the wake of virginia's move south, is preparing to hold it's own vote. in baltimore. baltimore is a tricky city. while geographically north of dc, it was built on the labor of eastern shore slaves and is dramatically pro-south. a lesson the fresh troops from massachusetts learn the hard way when they have to disembark their south bound train and march across camden yard to make the second leg of their journey. you see, baltimore is an excellent example of the schism between north and south, even the train lines aren't connected from the north and the south. so these northern soldiers are walking through baltimore to catch the DC train, when the locals start heckling them and throwing stones. the regiment, taken aback, starts shooting at the crowd while running flat out to catch the train.
there is great pressure from dc for maryland to vote union, otherwise washington would be surrounded by the "enemy". it's never a good idea to fight a war with your capital city surrounded and it would make lincoln look rather a fool internationally. the incidents in baltimore show public opinion favors the south. officials are pressured to more the locale of the vote, but where? the capital city, annapolis, was surrounded by union naval artillery and therefore as equally unsuitable as baltimore. said officials look west and choose frederick, a small but booming city easily accessible by train.
all of the delegates from all over maryland head to frederick to cast their votes yay or nay on the issue of seccession. on the morning of the vote, the funniest thing happens...all of the eastern shore/baltimore delegates are arrested for traffic violations and miss the vote. the motion carries to support the union and it's cause of abolition.
so what is the moral of this lesson?

i should also mention that i scored major points with my brother in law by choosing an action movie at the video store. i rented collateral. but i only chose it because it started with c and i didn't want to walk around the whole store. it was ok. a little predictable, but not awful. jamie foxx is always a good time.

my niece's first word is uh-oh. i can not bear the cuteness. and in other baby news, if you have a little one or know someone who does...they might be giants has put out the funniest alphabet album. it's hilarious.
in other very exciting news, i bought a new vacuum! it's a shark. roar! look, it even got 5 stars. my dad was raving about his new vacuum, which is not actually a shark, it's some kind of dirt devil. "you wouldn't believe the stuff it picks up, it was so gross. and you couldn't beat the price, really, the sale table at home depot. 23 bucks from 49. i almost didn't get it. but you wouldn't believe the cat hair it picks up off that carpet." (honest, word for word from my dad's mouth.) emily and i suggested he just vacuum the cat...which i think he took literally...so that should be interesting.
and blessed of all blessed events...we painted pottery. it was glorious. i made a serving dish, because my social engagements are unending...err and reid made a dinosaur. with spots. it is a seriously rockin' dinosaur.
and just because i thought it was funny...i learned that my sister's boyfriend hides chocolate around the house. so when emily says "i can't believe you came home and didn't bring chocolate" he can say "oh wait, i think there's some chocolate right here!". how cute is that?

i am hungry with a capital GRRR. and also bored. bored bored bored. blah.

how much do i love that condomania sells a ribbed hip flask?

all fired up is indeed going to be closed until april. no ceramic doodads for me. it's a good thing i have chocolate. and apparently mr. liquor store is bringing me more accoutremont for my new career as a lush. his words. some of our customers are just so awesome.
mary and i have been discussing the excellent bargains at shaws this week. and since matt and christian are the only locals, i reccomend you check your weekly circulars for the current news in savings. i think i'm going to go to ellsworth and do my grocery shopping...and fill the car at the cheap place before this crazy gas hike thing. i'm scheduled to go home this weekend, like i was last weekend, except it's supposed to snow on sunday. snow showers they say. eww i say. i'll have to call home and have them check out the weather station for me.

yesterday, because i am an undercover pimp daddy, i bought little lights for the valve caps of my wheels. i really don't know what possessed me. i have no memory of it, i swear. but it seems they are only for show and off road use. does this mean i'll get arrested. i guess jail is all part of being a pimp daddy, i just don't know if i'm ready for the commitment.
i also bought my first car air freshener. i have been sort of taken with the hula girls who shake their assets for the driving public, but thus far i've overcome the urges. and then i saw a glittery orange plastic fantail air freshener, and it was love at first sight. now i can stare at it's cute be-finned backside all around town. (sarah, it's just like fluffy! but with glitter!)
clearly i have become one of those honda people. with the diapers. i heart driving this car. a lot. and since he's so keen i've promised to teach matt to drive standard. he came in special to ask a few days ago and since it means so much to him, how can i refuse. check me, i'm so hot for honda i'm proselytizing.

will the memes every fucking stop. no. but hey this one's kind of neat.

10 things i've done you probably haven't: (in reverse order thus showing off my creativity...ahem)

10. had lunch with moonshadow matt. who showed excellent taste not only by dining with me, ahem again, but by also choosing grilled cheese and iced tea. good man.
9. been mistaken for a walmart employee more than once. (i really don't think i look that helpful)
8. almost got beat up by cheerleaders, in a library (who knew cheerleaders even went to the library...insert feminist appaul here) i don't think that's a proper use of that word...
7. handled counterfeit money someone was trying to pass as real.
6. spoken to james earl jones on the phone, albeit very briefly (dick is out of the running on this one)
5. set fire to my kitchen boiling water.
4. held and operated the bolt on a Mannlicher-Carcano
3. fainted during a lesson on childbirth in 7th grade, resulting in a concussion
2. worked for a company that sold cemetery software. who knew?
1. sold an art project for actual money and i'm still shocked.

check me out, i'm having lunch with moonshadow later! woohoo. mary asked me to bring her back a nice drink from the whale. maybe not in front of the customers. it's been a very long day, all ready. you see, when the computers go down, it sucks mightily. not just because i can't blog every 30 seconds...which hurts deep in my soul...we can't really do work. well we can, because they did have banking before computers, but oh my god with the hard. and it's not because i'm a girl and i can't do math, even though i am a girl and i can't do math, it's because i'm totally and completely dependant on the computer (which i suppose is equally pathetic and sad). you see, it has all the account numbers in it. and all the balances. and there are these rules in banking that like the cash actually has to like match. so you have to like enter all the ins and outs from the fancy adding machine and pray that it comes out even. and if it doesn't, you go down for embezzlement. which we really don't want to do. so it took a few hours, but i finally got my drawer even. if we had like, more than 10 customers yesterday, i think i might have had a breakdown. mary already had hers, but she still wants a drink. or seven.

all right, so i know that was wicked boring. but i had to vent a little. forgive me. in other news holly and i had a very funny conversation about being pregnant in the school health center. apparently this is a nationwide problem. remember how at hood you had to swear in blood that you weren't pregnant before they'd look at your sore throat. that was awful. "so, you're sure you're not pregnant" "yes" "are you really, sometimes these things happen" "no, really, it's not possible" (annoyingly saccharine smile)"well actually..." "I AM A VIRGIN/DYKE/MENSTRUATING just give me some damn antibiotics". apparently holly once turned her ankle and they gave her the third degree about it. (like the two are at all relevant to eachother. your ankle is pretty damn far from your uterus.) "don't you see me take the free condoms when i leave here, i'm not pregnant" god she's funny. maybe it is a recurring problem that pregnant women are inadvertantly given cold medicine they shouldn't have, but it sucked to have to come out repeatedly just to get your temperature read.

the computers went down yesterday. and the aftermath is not pretty. can you hear the soft weeping?

when customers come through the door and shout "wake up" i want to strangle them with my bare hands.

it's snowing again today, but it's not like real snow. flake here, flake there. we're so over it. the roads are fine, but the plowmen are having difficulty finding anywhere to put all the damn snow. i know this because every plowman yesterday said "been plowing since 2 am, nowhere to put the damn snow." and since every man in maine drives a truck with a plow (well maybe not every man, but like seriously 98/100) i heard it a whole lot. and man, did they look tired. one of mary's plow endowed truck driving sons came to pick her up yesterday, she has such nice sons. (i really only added that so i could say "plow endowed" because there's nothing like plow humor in march, in maine. but also her sons are sweethearts.)
so yesterday instead of cleaning, or doing something useful like that...i baked. we were trying to bribe dennis to come visit us, but i guess he was going to come anyway and we'll still have cupcakes! everyone wins. i don't know what's up with the suzie home maker routine of late. bake, cook, bake some more. i'm unstoppable with softened butter and sifted flour. *sarah i do have stuff to send to you, i just keep forgetting. but it's in the freezer, not like rotting on my counter. (not like the milk i left out overnight. but the kitchen is cold, and cows leave their milk out like all the time so it should be fine. probably.)

what's with me and the lists lately? i dunno but it's my dumb blog and if i want to list every single entry, i can. dammit. anyway, in no particular order:

1. our landlord is a gentleman with the snowblower
2. my neighbor, mr. sad dog, is very nice and waited till i got my car free before leaving for work.
3. he might have been so nice to make up for sad dog knocking me over into that snow drift with his enthusiastic licking. not that i need help to fall over, snowdrift or no.
4. sometimes i think sad dog sits upstairs reading emily dickinson poems when mr.sad dog is out, thus the howling. but that's probably unlikely.
5. my sister thinks i look about 19, my customers think i look about 30. what is that about?
6. the paint your pottery place is moving to where timberland used to be. just in time for holly's visit. if i don't get to paint a ceramic doodad soon i'm going to lose my shit. just like in that movie with that guy who totally loses his shit.
7. i've gotten alot of referrals about rebecca and that makes me sad. i hope you're all doing ok, anonymous googlers.
8. i got two cds last night, nirvana and pearl jam. i'm only like 15 years behind the times. sad sad sad.
9. you know what else is sad, i alphabetized my cds last night. and subdivided in more than one category. spring can not come too soon my friends.
10. we're not closing early, but the couriers are coming early. if anyone from MO calls there are polar bears walking down the street. and they look pissed.

someone did actually email me a question from that meme. i was shocked. but it's an easy one. why the eff is this site called Elvis has left the building? good question. i have no idea. actually, i do sort of remember that that phrase used to be my away message in the dorm with the 24/7 internet access. (aside: is it any wonder we have brains at all, even if ill-functioning, going to school with 24 hour internet access? my heavens) elvisngraceland is an adaptation of my recently revealed as evil sister's email gracelandnvegas. (do i feel guilty about calling her evil here, not until she calls mom i don't) i guess it's a family thing, the elvis infatuation. Elvis has left the building on the IM never got as much attention as "i am not a crook" on the voicemail (i know how much you liked that dick!) but i liked it and it stuck. apparently. elvis brings me a whole lot of traffic. good man, that elvis.

this weekend i bought scented candles for my house. next stop teddy bear sweatshirts that say "i am beary special" or similar.

i am once again spending my saturday morning in town, at the library. i've been practicing my shifting. i drove up to cherryfield and it was lovely. i can no longer count the people who have pulled over/come over to see if my car is ok on two hands. i need an abacus. it's so nice, but it doesn't help me prove my point that i'm getting better at driving standard. i am. really. i didn't want to pull over and cry once today. but i did make myself nauseas in the walmart parking lot. i stopped and started about 50 times and i think i have it down now. i feel less like pulling into linnehan's credi-car and selling my soul. unfortunately i made a new discovery in the car today that has to do with the stereo. it does not play the tape that hooks to the cd player. and that is a damn shame. if the afternoon session and the next week of driving go well and i keep this car, i shall have to get a new stereo. i can't drive another 150,000 miles with no cd player. i am not that poor. i can sacrifice internet at home, cable tv, haagen dazs...but not music in the car. i'd sell my plasma for a car stereo that could play cds. maybe i will sell my plasma for a car stereo. always thinking (taps head).

"to my mom, cake, especially fancy expensive cake, is the only real currency. it's the only thing worth living for. the day she called to tell me she broke her rib she started out with ten minute discussion about the 5 cakes she ordered for my sisters' baby shower. the day of the baby shower, she told me the cakes were great and she couldn't remember most of what my sister received as gifts because she was busy with the cakes. at my graduation, she bought cakes to take into two different restaurants, on two different days. mmm cake."

this is from last spring. gosh she's funny. gosh she likes cake.

hate crime legislation? is it really necessary? should it matter what motivated one to commit a crime? this is today's discussion as many states are removing the homosexual additions to their hate crime laws because some preachers might get in trouble (which by the way they totally wouldn't unless they said to go out and scalp some drag queens). any opinions?

open letter to the man who pulled over last night to see if i was ok:

dear sir, thank you for your kindness last night at the east bound stop light on rte 3 near that dentist's office before the walmart light. i'm sorry i stalled 16 times in a row and missed three rounds of green lights. your wife looked really mad. when you guys passed me on the left to make the right hand turn, i was very relieved because it's embarrassing to stall 16 times in a row. but then you pulled over, and i thought i must have hit you what with all the rolling backwards. or maybe you had a life flight chilled heart in your car or similar and you might want to cuss me out for killing your organs. but instead you came over to make sure the car was ok. and when i told you the car was fine, the driver was the problem, i was very relieved that you laughed. it was necessary and kindly meant, if a little embarrassing, that you asked me if anyone had taught me how to drive standard. sadly the answer was yes, but you smiled anyway. you said to feel for the clutch and to press harder on the gas and try not to stop. i appreciated the advice, the rolling stop is my new favorite traffic violation! you looked genuinely proud when i finally got going, you know i couldn't stop to thank you because it would have taken HOURS. but you followed me for a while before turning around and that was very sweet. all the way home i thought about all the nice financing options for nice gently used automatic cars. i probably only have to be in hawk for about ten years! i also thought about how nice it was that you pulled over to check on me, and not to beat the shit out of me or just to say i'm stupid without being helpful too. so thanks for being so nice!

you know what happens when i have nothing to blog about. memes! oooh! ahhh! what completely unoriginal and totally mentally absorbent thing will i choose today...hmmm. if i did the ask me three questions one, would anyone ask me anything. i wonder because i see them all the time and I never ask any one 3 questions. but, should anyone wish to inquire of me, thrice even, i say bring it. you know, if you want to, or whatever.

allison bechdel has this cartoon where it's her at her drawing table and things are going awry and there are these boingy lines boinging around her and it says "nuance callibrator" and "satire chip" and they're all malfunctioning. that's how i feel today. disjointed logic, illformed opinions, terminal lack of the funny. i could chat on about stalling in traffic and getting run over by trucks that are 600 times the size of new car. but actually that hasn't happened. i just think about it a lot. i could blog about going to get my haircut tonight because i know greater excitement than the state of my hair is hard to come by. but really there is fuck all going on to chat about. maybe something fabulous will happen later, i can always hope for a fire.


***actually, something sweet happened last night. i made a friend. at the grocery store. her name is kayleigh and she's about 5. she gave me a sticker. that's love. babies are cute.

for anyone from hood who doesn't already know, rebecca sullivan was found passed away in her room. they're calling it an accident for now. when amymas fills me in, i'll fill you all in. in the meanwhile it's very sad and i hope we all remember her fondly.

today i'm writing thank you notes to the six gazillion people who send my mother get well cards and flowers. really, it's insane. she'll probably have her own postal code by next week and the phone rings off the hook. unfortunately some of the cards have been thrown away because my family would drown in hallmark if they didn't do something about them. nonetheless i have a hefty pile. i entreat you all to please put a return address on all of the mail you send because it is extremely difficult to match denise with a smiley face to any particular denise in mom's address book (which i stole because i'm sneaky...and lazy) and i know you want to save your correspondents' lazy ass daughters that trouble in future.
some of the letters and cards are very sad, and some are frankly a little disturbing. my mom knows a lot of weird people. one guy in particular who was in my parents yoga class feels that he has been "led" to their "crisis" and begs to be of assistance(err). some are from childhood friends. one in particular was about the night my mom and dad met...at the peppermint lounge! how risque!
if there is any nice part about this it's seeing the family pull together and sharing memories. my dad was telling me that he was only allowed in the room for my birth and not the other kids. lawrence general wouldn't let anyone in, but nashua memorial did. yay me? i heard the tale of my aunt's ill planned pregnancy and marriage to a man who was not the father but loved her anyway. my mom and her twin remembered being home alone from school while meme was at the races(meme, at the horse races?). my mom calls this child abuse, my aunt calls it faith in children's independance. hard call.

this is where chairman meow came from. i had to take some time before i linked here because frankly just knowing that funny like this exists makes it impossible for me to work. even dead puppies can't keep my face straight. enjoy!

things i learned this weekend:
1. you know you're an addicted blogger when folks start to call you because you don't post. (as i forgot to mention it, i took tuesday off for my sister's birthday)
2. emily is old, but not as old as i thought. (i gave her an extra year, if she hadn't had so many japanese cocktails she might have been upset)
3. my dad has always liked pickled eggs (my father and my uncle had been talking about the flushing power of various toilets, so it was rather a relief to hear this tidbit)
4. if your car smells like burning, your dad will let you take the honda
5. i learned that some cars have lug locks, and the nice tire guy will take you out and explain in great detail and patience when he sees your look of despair.
6. when a five year old calls chop sticks "fortune sticks" and the japanese chef laughs, everyone wins.
7. 2 out of 3 northern new england toll booth collectors will be genuinely relieved and happy for you when you finally get going again after the 3rd or 4th stall.
8. "in new mexico the out door ice cream stores close during the winter, not to mention during a snow storm" the father of emily's children has a lot to learn about new england.
9. when you clean out the china hutch which hasn't been touched since 1975 you will find something your father has been looking for for thirty years. literally.

i can't think of ten, i'm trying to ignore the fact that it's not even because IT DOES NOT MATTER. but i'm telling you it's hard. so my sister is older, my nephew is hysterical and the geo smells like burning. on the upside my dad forgot we negotiated 3000 and he decided on 2000 for the new car. either that or he's pissed at christine because she hasn't called.

if you all feel up to it, you can head back down the page to feb 14 and see a real live feral vegan show us all the light as regards free range. i guess lack of protein affects one's sense of humor. there must be thousands of beef eating misogynist blogs out there that would get so much more use out of that comment.

and to balance that with funny, i forgot to mention what my mom said last night about chairman meow. "if mrs. whatsit wasn't dead, would she be comrade whatsit?" she totally effing would be mom! except i didn't say eff to my mom, cuz she's my mom and she was a nun and it would be wrong.

mary "who were you talking about porn with on the phone"
me "customer's name here"
mary "that's ok then, i was a little worried when you said "how can i help you?"

Amy "i'm supposed to be studying for a midterm...err, which is exactly why i'm reading slate. what do you think of slaughtering the last of americas wild horses for the european meat market?" (handy dandy site)

Dennis "Europeans eat horses?"

Amy "apparently. have they no shame?"

Amy "i bet there's a really great horse sauce, and probably a special fork for the horse course. maybe with two prongs, like a hoof."

Dennis "Very funny"

Dennis "Does horse even taste good? I thought that was why we never ate them. Seems weird to eat them, almost like eating the family dog."

Amy "i don't know how horse tastes, i just found the chicken loophole (free range!). oh whoa, but i guess by those standards the horses are free range too. urgh."


and as an aside i've decided to put mare and amymas on payroll to come everyday and tell me i'm hilarious. better than that prozac.

the kitty is henceforth to be called "chairman meow". no questions.

customer "i used to strip for a living, for about 12 years. i fell off two stages stripping while drunk. but it didn't stop me. i incorporated it into the act (gives me a general idea as to what she did). shit happens when you're drunk."
me "no doubt"
customer "yup, but you got to keep on going"
me "yup. well, have a good day."

mary misses all the best stuff when she's on lunch.

i was supposed to be studying last night, but holly called. she adopted a feral kitten who apparently thinks she's a "freak show" and wants no part of her or her proffered treats. holly also has a date tonight for drink at 9. "nine, i have to go to bed at nine! who goes out for drinks at nine? this is philly, not new york". what with all the hilarity i totally forgot to study.
before i beat myself to death with rolled coin i have a few observations which i keep meaning to mention.
1. i love that the debit machine at rite aid asks for my "secret code" instead of pin. it makes me feel like james bond for five whole seconds every time i go there.
2. one of my favorite bank jobs is to change the date. when the day and the number are such that you only have to turn them around to have the proper date it really makes me happy. something about the simplicity and the balance of those actions brings me no end of pleasure.
3. it worries me a little that my neigher has three shelves of plastic horses, each with a little horse blanket (because it's cold out folks) in her bedroom. (whoa, that was supposed to be neighbor, that there's a freudian typo)
4. lipton changed the labeling of their iced tea, and it tastes better. really.
5. 4 of every 5 customers think my koi are goldfish
6. no one likes the pink conversation hearts
7. people will choose to park in one of our two spaces to go to the post office EVEN if every space in front of the post office is open. it's a psychological study.
8. this is neither here nor there but i do realize how often i misspell and it does bother me, but not enough to hit spell check because then you have to change every capitalization and i like it this way. (granted if i ever go back to school i'm screwed)
9. the cleaning lady has no respect for the delicate over all vision of my workspace and often places my ceramic koi at an unlikely angle for their swim pattern around the bamboo and it drives me...completely...insane.
10. i really am as anal about my desk as that last rant would have you believe and it does sort of worry me.

this is not exactly a tidbit, but it bears blogging. yesterday mary took up her post at the window to defend the honor of our parking spaces. and she started growling. and i asked if she was getting her cranky on? and she said yes, i have to start polishing my one-liners for the tourists.

morning mare.

in bar harbor news: the acadia restaurant is being taken apart. it will be an art gallery. there's nothing main street bar harbor needs like ANOTHER ART GALLERY.

i just had to google "kitten heel". now i'll never get to be a girl.

i have a banking midterm tomorrow. and i think this one might be hard. i might have to study for this one. i was thinking about it, and i can't remember studying in college. i must have. i vaguely remember typing for hours, and going to sheetz. but not studying. it feels alien to me. honestly, how did i matriculate?
sarah is searching for a new title. and while i think all my suggestions are worthwhile and helpful, she hasn't sent me a letter of thanks yet. so please, flood sarah with your helpful hints and insightful blog titles. bare naked sarahs? all my clever seems to be gone...

because mary and i are evil we were almost literally rolling on the floor this morning after reading an internal job description notice. mary couldn't form words, and i had to hide in the kitchen (you know how in the summer sometimes i have to hide under my desk, it was like that) to compose myself. it was such spectacle that chris asked us what we were laughing about and almost seemed amused when we told him. the desired employee must be able to grasp with fingers and palm on an object. the desired employee must be able to withstand fumes, gases and dust with little ventilation. the desired employee must be able to follow detailed, but uninvolved instructions using common sense. how much common sense can you expect to have after inhaling all that gas?

sarah my love, expect banana goodies to the extreme in the near future. my bananas are going to the dark side and that can only mean one thing...nanner bread. i made nanner chocolate muffins, you remember the ones from the fancy veg cookbook we made that time? but if i mail them today you won't get them till monday and that would be a nanner shame. so possibly i'll freeze a bunch of them and mail them on monday, which will be better. or maybe i'll just make you a fresh bread with some toasty pecans or something and mail that. you saw the recipe, the one with the brown sugar and the whole henhouse of eggs. maybe i could even roll the pecans in oats and brown sugar and then put them on the top, like i saw in this other recipe. i am a recipe slut. possibly even a baked goods whore. i've been very into the cooking lately. probably because i now have a kitchen, and it's unpacked, and who can resist cooking with the pink bowls? if my whole kitchen was pink i might never be able to leave.
my horoscope for today said that i should be mindfull of the millions of highpoints on the road i've chosen. which is exactly what i've been thinking lately. i've been trying to be conscience of all of my blessings and be happy with all that i have in my life. and so clearly i am aligned with the stars. mary's horoscope said she was going to die of a stress disease (kiroshi) previously only found in japan. "ahh, so that's what my problem is. i wonder if workman's comp covers that?". and that is blessing number one, my totally enjoyable job.

sarah, my soul is weeping because you have not blogged. i just thought you should know. it's possible even that jesus is crying. you made jesus cry. because you haven't blogged. can you deal with that responsibility?


(is that something you overheard, or something i overheard...the mother telling the kids that they were making jesus cry with the fighting? it's annoying that i can't tell the difference between our anecdotes and it makes me miss you lots.)

the wisconsin state quarter has a flaw. actually two. and here they are. the uproar has mary going through all of our wisconsin quarters with a magnifying glass. i suggested we find something sharp and add our own extra leaf, who'll know? i asked her if she thought a sautering iron would melt a quarter, she said not to worry we'd just file it as a loss. i nearly choked to death on my lemon lift. damn, she's funny.

hour follows hour like water in a river
and from one to the next
we don't know what each hour will deliver
we just call it like we see it
call it out loud as we can
and then afterwards we call it all water over the dam
maybe the moral higher ground
ain't as high as it seems
maybe we are both good people
done some bad things
i just hope it was okay
i know it wasn't perfect
i hope in the end we can laugh
and say it was all worth it

ani d

oh my. someone just asked me if i was engaged. i didn't understand and i said no maybe a little too vehemently. and this poor elderly woman, who was so ready to be thrilled for me, left the bank looking at me like i was INSANE. but now i've figured it out. amy the m's ring arrived today, in a black velvet ring box. and it's sitting on my desk because i'm so excited it's here. i could pretend i'm engaged to her. errr.

ooooh, i just got the best valentine. the bean book from holly. a whole book, about beans. with bean history and bean cartoons, and bean recipes. and the best part, she taped the whole package with scotchtape. my friend at the post office was absolutely amazed that it arrived. mental note to mail her packing tape.

and because i've been singing this to myself for weeks...and because lo unto the girliness that hath overtaken me i've been spending alot of time with my friends lip gloss and lip stick. i enjoy being shimmery. dammit.

little plastic castle-ani difranco

people talk about my image
like i come in two dimensions
like lipstick is a sign of my declining mind
like what i happen to be wearing the day
that someone takes my picture
is my new statement for all of womankind

so yeah, the chicken thing. i found a loophole. free range. t'was my sister who came up with this the other day. she was once a vegan and now shares the dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets with her son. and so we were talking about chickens, and their yumminess and isn't it a shame how badly we treat them before we eat them...and she said "what about free range?". what about free range indeed? so, the chicken loophole. there are still some things to get over. like, when the recipe you're reading says something like "season the carcass" or "save the innards". that's going to take some getting used to. my brother in law is very excited and is planning to make enchiladas next week to celebrate the chicken loophole.
one of our customers came in especially to wish us a happy valentine's day. how sweet is that? what a nice man.
as i didn't get home this weekend, i missed out on making reid's costume for the valentine's play. i also missed out on making pretzels with reid. bummer. so i have to think of something good to do next weekend. so i can be a cool aunt. i also plan to spend the weekend reminding my sister how OLD she is. as it is her birthday and she will be 33 (gasp!) because ofcourse life can't go on after 33. i've been conducting research on the year 1972...and i was planning a spectactular piece of modern art, but she seems genuinely bummed about reaching the hip breaking age of 33. so i think i'll just make the odd comment "you're as old as pong, but you're not as old as dirt". how would she know how much i care if i didn't torture her?
my parents didn't seem very upset about the "incident" with the car on saturday. my dad seemed relieved that the car wasn't dented. my mother said "well, you wouldn't have died, we know that". we know that because my sister has survived two horrendous accidents in the same model car i drive. why have children when you could have crash test dummies? they were in very good spirits all around. i asked my mom what they were doing for valentine's day and she said "we're going out drinkin" and i heard my dad in the background "she'll never believe that, tell her we're gonna stay home drinkin". the funniest part is my dad trying to find the most convincing lie to tell me.

i knew i was asking for trouble when i left the house wearing a brown belt and black boots (THE HORROR). i had the tiniest run in with a snow bank this morning. it wouldn't even be worth mentioning except that it was the snowbank on the opposite side of the road from which i was intending to travel. silly iced over roads. alas, the car and i are fine and some very nice folks in a very snazzy pick up truck helped me to dig out a bit. bless you kind truck driving folk! unfortunately i totally lost my nerve...twitch...shudder...and i didn't finish the drive home. which is why i am now currently in the bar harbor library using their internet and listening to someone play the piano (it's really quite lovely...i really should get tickets to that symphony concert in march...i'm not tickled about going alone and the only person i know who will admit to liking classical music is dennis (hi!) who doesn't seem very keen to go).
and to all that excitement i must add that our dear furry friend Mrs. Whatsit has gone on to the big happy habitrail in the sky. her plump furry roundness is no more, and it is very sad.

my parents got the box of bread and they didn't open it. how could they be related to me? did they think it was a bomb or something? who can resist opening a package? i can't. it's super human, that kind of resistance.

moonshadow matt has quite the thread of id theft info on his page. makes me proud!
my quiz for law and banking got an %85(is the percent supposed to go after the number? is there a hyphen in anal retentive?. even though it's "just" banker class, it still pisses me off.
it may be obvious that i have become fairly addicted to re-editing my posts lately. i've also been culling the oldest of the archives because i was such an asshole! but then maybe that's the point of being 20, wallowing in asshole. point being, it disturbs me to read some of them and see how badly they reflect who i am now, and actually who i was then too, and so i'm editing. i'm feeling really conflicted lately about who i am. a lot of the realities of my life are changing. and while i expect to get shit about it in various ways, things must go on eh? it's fun living away from all expectations, and that is exactly what bar harbor is like for me. i always felt as though there was one way i was expected to be in high school. unerringly this was "nerd", and if i ever did anything that varied from that norm it was a shock. it was the same at hood except i was expected to be well, y'all know. especially sarah who was tainted by association. have i apologized enough for that yet? this is what happens when it's february and it's snowing like armageddon apparent and i have nothing to do but think and blog and write so much that when i get all the way down here i can't remember what my damn point was. so uhh, expections. well, here they are completely different from any i've experienced before. no one expects me to champion gay causes left and right, although sometimes i do. and that is refreshing after 4 years of it. the opposite of that is that i'm assumed to be completely straight. this i have confirmed with a party we'll call "jason" and WHOA is that a long story that i don't want to tell except that i will never ever date him, and not because he's a boy. that is becoming less of an issue, sort of like the eating of the mammals is becoming less of an issue. it's all part of the doing as one wishes referendum i passed a few months ago. oddly it's all harder than coming out in the first place, dating boys, eating chickens. how will i tell my parents?

it's still snowing and the power is flickering a bit. mary is planning to bake cookies later. she's very concerned that the power might go out because that would mean no cookies. i have to remember how lucky i am, we have so much fun here.

it's all back to normal. there seems no way at all to do to the archives what i wish...c'est la vie.
mare, ellsworth is about half an hour away, bangor an hour. machias is wicked far, as i discovered on saturday. i didn't actually make it, although i think holly and i will try again on her spring break. it was a very nice drive down rte 1, i feel as though i should go all the way up as well...oooh calais. say it with me, callus. it's sort of like how we (we being sarah and myself) always wanted to pronounce gallaudet the french way. funny how the deaf have no respect for the intonation de la langue francais.

mary's boss "what's the snow like in bar harbor?"
mary "white?"


apparently that was a good enough answer to close early!

i think i killed the archives. i wanted them to go from recent to least recent, but it seems that that is not possible. i'm looking into new templates...it's always fun when i start screwing with the html.

i just unblocked myself from my stats, as in now i see everytime i link to me. and i'd like to formally apologize to everyone who does the stat thing and has to see exploremaine like 5000 times a minute. it must be really annoying. and it's glaringly obvious how BORING my day is. so, err, sorry.

on the phone with emily last night:

E: so they got mom a stairmaster.
A: a stairmaster?
E: yeah, you know, for the steps.
A: but why a stair master, she can't do the steps.
E: that's why.
A: if she can't do the steps why does she need a stairmaster
E: they can buy a stairmaster if they want
A: ofcourse they can, i just don't get why
E: oh shit, not a stairmaster like at the gym, the elevator seat thing, its called stairmaster or something.


E: all we do is eat at my house
A: well look at your genes
E: shut up! that was rude. oh, you mean like genes with a g, not a j.

i am reminded of something my mother once said about me. a friend of hers (who i never liked actually) remarked when i was about 12 that i was growing into a pretty woman. and my mom said "yes, she is pretty. and don't ever cross her." my mom knows me very well.

i purchased a mid-range cd player, that actually is not pink. it is however "jog-proof" and that can't be anything but good. "proof" is always a good adjective for something that's going to live in my house to be used by me. i like going to bangor. there was great radio: toadies, pearl jam, things you would never hear in bar harbor. mary speaks like it's the end of the earth, actually most people do. even ellsworth is too far. "ellsworth, you're going to ellsworth, but it's so far" what am i doing with my life that i don't have time to go to ellsworth? distance is a very relative thing. it's worth it to drive an hour if you get to be reckless in target, and hear good radio.

in other topics, and not to dwell on the sad, but some folks have a false impression of my relationship with my mom. it isn't bad. it really isn't. she may be insane, but then she has always been insane. she treats me differently from my siblings because i am different, and i understand and appreciate that now though i never could as a child. she is kind and generous and genuinely wants to protect us from what is happening. and that is the reason for the silence. it is not because we aren't close. we are close. while it is true that we never discuss it, we all understand each other, as we all understand what is happening. we have been waiting for this for 15 years. and for the last year we have all been hoping that this time would turn out like last time. but last time she was 15 years younger. in her soul she is still a fighter, but her body is betraying her.
she wanted to buy the apartment building so she would know i had a home when she is gone. to ease my worries. so please, anyone who would criticize my mother take a warning now that i will not hear it. anyone who would think it would bring me comfort to hear that you always knew my mother wouldn't get better, take warning as well. so did i. so did she. so did my father, my sisters and my brother, and none of us needs your corroboration.

this weekend on a stress relieving shopping spree, a stress coping technigue inherited from my mother :), i purchased a sort of mp3 player. those who know me well can attest to the number of cd players i have gone through in my lifetime (i can think of atleast 7*) so i thought that i could hitch to the very end of the mp3 bandwagon and break my bad luck portable music streak at the same time. but alas. i did just get the $100 memorex thing, so it wasn't as though i killed a 300 ipod or something. and really, i don't think i killed it. i think it was DOA. i loaded the software, i put in the battery. all as per directions. honestly, i read the directions. boxes were supposed to pop up. drives were supposed to be accessible. and well, you get the picture. i gave up for the moment and cooked dinner and came back hours later to try and press my luck and lo and behold there was an error. please re-format data. how does one reformat data to a drive one can't access? i am going back to bangor tonight, and i shall return said device. and i shall buy a cheap-ass cd player and when that breaks i shall replace it with no hard feelings. i think i saw pink ones at target. oooooh.


amy the mas is going to overnight bread from the yummy bakery to my parents. is she not the coolest? how thrilled will they be? there's nothing they like more than eating.


* a portable cd player was my birthday gift every year from age 12 until college. i remember going to service merchandise (does this place exist anymore) with my dad and everytime he would say "didn't we do this last year, don't you have one of these?" and i would say yeah, i broke it. and he would tell me to be more careful with this one. every year. not that it helped. i swear they broke of their own accord. like the family's new video camera that i borrowed once and it broke because i hit record. i swear that's all i did. they had to buy a new one.

my parents and my mom's oncologist are having a meeting tonight to decide whether or not to keep fighting the cancer. her body can't take the chemo anymore and it's not reducing the cancer anyway. i expect they'll decide to stop fighting and try to let her regain some of her strength for the months she has left.
i know this not because my parents told me, but because emily called the doctor herself. the prognosis was 6-8 months from october. she's in the hospital now, due to dehydration, and i'm sure if my sister hadn't told me i'd have never heard about that either. christine can't be reached, doesn't want to be reached. i'm toying with the idea of tracking down her ex-patriot ass, she could at least call.
i always thought it would be better to have warning about a death, with a sudden death you don't get to say goodbye. what i never considered is this, how do say goodbye to your mom?

this has been the most frustrating banking day since october when my 300 jamaican boyfriends all closed their accounts on the same day. mary just said "forget a drink, i need a bottle" and i can't think of a better way to sum up the situation.

(the highlight of course was mimi calling to tell me how wonderful i am and how they steyed up all night to read my archives...how cute are they?)

kristen null and void called last night and we had a nice chat. and she said she'd totally move to vermont with us, so that's cool. she also said the new ani album is super cool and so i've ordered it. also the lounge style tribute album because that has to be worth a laugh. i can't wait!

i'm having a crabby day. today i do not want to chat about the weather with every customer. i did notice it's warm out, i have this great stuff called skin that senses temperature just like yours! i'm tired of this senseless need to discuss how cold it is or how warm it is. it's boring folks, boring.
actually, i do not want to chat about anything with the customers today. unfortunately chatting is part of my job description: pontificating meaningless pleasantries ALL DAY LONG. and i'm just done. every time the door opens i hope they're just going to the atm and that i will be left in peace. so i can post my meaningless pontifications to the web without delay. damn it.

mary and i spent the afternoon yesterday chatting with mr. financial services. he asked me what kind of car i drove and i said "geo prizm...why?" and he said "oh, i would have guessed volkswagen or honda civic." isn't that weird? he is either psychic or i'm a stereo typical cheap green person. he hinted at the latter. we share alot of cheap people characteristics. he doesn't have tv or a real phone either. the highlight is that even though we are so different we can still bond by being cheap. it's a beautiful thing.
so the thing we were talking about the other day, which thankfully we didn't get into yesterday because i think mary might have lunged at him, about the birth rates went as such: his reasoning for the lesser birth rates is because of abortion. just abortion. i can give it a tiny bit of partial credit, itty bitty, but that cannot be the entire reason. right. that would be discredit all of women's lib and sex ed and even the effect of further industrialization and suburbinization and it would make no sense at all. so you see how i couldn't form a worthwile argument to save my life. i'm having the trouble with the words lately. making sentences and all. so he wins by default. there's a strategic genius behind repetition and a powerful tone.

the fuzzies are thawed and i have on cute tights. it's a great day in bar harbor.
i'm off to ellsworth this evening, to go to the funky shoe store. i went tuesday night before my haircut and i bought these. and frankly, i'm just not sure. i have some kind of shopping turrets where i say "i'll take it!" when i'm holding the strangest things. i do think they're cute, everything in that store is cute including the very nice owner (who in her first week being open had a stolen police car and a gun waving maniac drive through her front window...so she deserves a break and some business...who says ellsworth isn't exciting?) anyway, i think i'm going to rethink the purchase. there will definitely be the buying of cute shoes...with the money i just got from j. jill and my mother's completely insane catalogue choices.

oh my god. if the heat comes back on mrs. whatsit will be baked. wrut wroe.

the heats broken again. i'm afraid i'm going to have fuzz-cicles when i get home where my cute soft pets used to be. i put the hamster cage under the bed covers, it's all i could think of. poor fuzzies.

so uhh, dennis and i spent the morning discussing the disparity in the generations since the baby boomers. ie, that generation was so big, what's the deal with all these tiny generations since? and as my brain is dead (those paramedics in NC said so) what do you academic folks think? as he is certain that there will be serious slamming of his proffered explanation...i shan't blog it. yet. i was thinking along the lines of birth control and women's emancipation. any other ideas? disease or something, i don't know. help me!

if i was a doll...errr. what do we think of those highlights? i don't think i could carry off blond highlights. maybe i ought to try it out.
make your own doll here, it's good fun. and clean.

sarah is the reason i have to think about dead puppies at work so i won't bust out laughing while counting back change. since she's all like, in transit, she's not blogging. and so i searched her archives and this is the funny ass entry i found...

"Well, good friends, it was almost time to take out your best black attire, bake a casserole, and head on over to Massachusetts to bid a fond farewell to your hetero-life-mate, Sarah: true friend, brilliant scholar, and sexy, sexy private dancer. You've had it happen before; you're minding your own business, reading or watching tv, when you start choking for no other reason except that you breathed in. Last night I was chewing gum, (and doing other things--I'm a multi-tasker) when I began to choke. Not on the gum, but on the startling minty-fresh flavor coming out of it. I coughed, and coughed, and coughed a little more, but every time I coughed my throat closed and I swallowed air. It was like a vicious cycle--coughing would cause me to swallow air, which would cause me to cough--you get the idea. So there I was in the kitchen, gum in my hand, my mom pounding on my back, not really breathing, wondering if this hell would ever end. Finally I was able to stop and get the air out, which came out as a burp. My mom laughed, hopefully out of relief that I was okay and not because gas is funny, which, I have to admit, it almost always is. The rest of the night every time I coughed I tasted Wrigley's spearmint.

Okay, so I really didn't think my life was in danger at any point. But I did think I was going to throw up, completely wasting the mulit-vitamin that I had with dinner, and that, my friends, would have been a tragedy."

how weird is it that i tape phone numbers to the cell phone? mary couldn't draw breath from the laughing. it made sense at the time.

i am officially completely unpacked. i even built the futon. so i should get a call that the house has been sold any day now. it is nice to pretend at permanence anyway. but i didn't find all the things i thought i'd find when i unpacked. maybe next time.
it was a lovely warm weekend. which was good because the heater broke. but it's fixed now and no one froze to death so we won't dwell. it did give me the chance to browse around walmart for an hour or so sunday morning. the alternatives were church or freezing, the rare case of walmart being the lesser evil. i surveyed all the wares, they even had purses like pinky's except not cool. i procured some things with which to wash the floor and drooled over the new and shiny vacuums.
luckily i used up all my shopping energy on saturday at tj maxx with a store credit. i bought a whole slew of indulgent kitchen stuff. including pink bowls from the valentines display. because the food tastes better if the bowls are pretty. fact.
so you can see what a busy weekend it was and how i really had no time at all for law and banking: principles, the course. gripping as it is.

mary is the best. you know why? i'll tell you. she came to get me this morning. you know why? i'll tell you. my battery was dead. do we know how much that sucks? lots. all of my neighbors were gone by then and there was no one to get a jump from. mary said we can do it when she drops me off. she's so great. otherwise i'd call AAA and hope it isn't mr. car guy customer who is on duty to see my incapableness.
you know what's weird, i was just thinking last night "gee, i haven't set anything on fire in weeks i wonder what catastrophe awaits" and look. no more waiting. it's like christmas.
it's supposed to warm up next week and the folks accross the street are very excited. california sean and south carolina kay are just about done with the coldness. last night they were unloading 160 bikes. which kay said was a relief since it was supposed to be 260. sean has been paying very careful attention to the snowfall this year. he reports we've had a whole foot more than usual for this time of year and he's flabbergasted by it. he must be from southern california, and not where they got the 16 feet because it really seems to hurt his feelings...all this snow.

so uhh when you put quizzes and memes into google, you get this! err, hi jen. i'm making use of your quiz, hope you don't mind.

"if this bitch is so consumed by her privacy, what's up with the damn intimate detail quizzes?" says to self, about self and to that i say "i don't f'ing know, if one could put thoughtful motives behind all of ones actions there'd be no mystery in this life. and also i'm bored."

Three Names You Go By:
1. amy
2. amers
3. chuchie (only emily calls me this)


Three Things You Like About Yourself:
1. my optimism (i think i'm optomistic)
2. my ability to surprise myself
3. that i can be alone and be ok


Three Things You Dislike About Yourself:
1. i am not very trusting
2. i don't usually ask for help when i need it
3. i apologize for things that are beyond my control

Three Parts of Your Heritage:
1. scottish
2. french-canadian
3. irish

Three Things That Scare You:
1. ghosties in my apartment
2. christopher walkin, even when he plays a nice character
3. knowing all the words to the country cat song

Three of Your Everyday Essentials:
1. tea
2. hair products
3. pink pens

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. hood sweatshirt...as in sweatshirt that says hood.
2. hood ring
3. ultra femme pink watch amymas made me buy

Three of Your Favorite Bands/Artists (at the moment):
1. melissa ferrick
2. mercy creek
3. dave matthews

Three of Your Favorite Songs at Present:
1. almost-mercy creek
2. madam i'm a darlin'-tinsmith
3. north carolina-melissa ferrick

Three New Things You Want to Try in the Next 12 Months:
1. going to a classical concert
2. making stained glass
3. volunteering to teach a class in civil war history

Three Things You Want in a Relationship (love is a given):
1. laughter
2. equality
3. small kindnesses

Two Truths and a Lie:
1. i once held a stuffed rabbit for ransom
2. i once pawned my watch to get a car out of the clink
3. i once gave someone parking in the bank lot the finger

Three Physical Things About the Opposite Sex (or same) That Appeal to You:
1. smile
2. hands
3. eyes

Three Things You Just Can't Do Without :
1. my fur family
2. hooded sweatshirts
3. stationary

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. compulsive reading
2. hanging and re-hanging all the pictures in my house
3. printing and making pretty things

Three Things You Want to do Really Badly Right Now:
1. pick up my pictures from rite aid
2. quit my job and move to md
3. order the new melissa ferrick live album (car:music, car:music...)

Three Careers You've Considered:
1. museum curator
2. interior designer
3. massage therapist

Three Places You Want to Go on Vacation:
1. niagara falls
2. quebec city
3. mexico

Three Kids Names:
1. grace
2. reid
3. lucy (if reid had been a girl)

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
1. unpack completely and for the last time
2. go back to school for something i really like
3. visit christine in japan

i've sort of been thinking lately about privacy and blogs and public masks and all sorts of deep things. someone asked me about my blog and if they could read it or if it is too private. and no, i don't want them to read it, but i don't really see how i could stop them. i don't give real life folks the url unless i want them in my audience, but it's not exactly hard to find. i think they were hoping for deep dark secrets. or something. i might discuss my house and my job but the only really personal thing i talk about here is my mom's illness. it felt sort of like a dare, if it's so private why do you post it on the internet? and that is true, which is why i don't post about private things. the content here is driven by the desire to keep up with my friends from school and reminisce about things like caution cone curling and international bed diving. so it's more virtual alter to my asshole college behavior than it is a journal of my private thoughts. so, err, just to clarify: this blog is not private. not in the sense that my soul lies here and there is no truth to the rest of my life.
this blog is not a very good representation of who i am or what i'm like in person or of everything that i do or think. and i believe that's why i do not wish person x to read it. take for example dennis. i mock him here a whole lot less than i mock him in person and everything i have said about him is true and not unkind (he is cute, he is conservative, he did compare my words to bush's on one occasion) but i would freak the hell out if he left a comment one day. or take say, holly. she knows i have a blog, and she knows she sometimes comes up here, but she doesn't read it. she read it a few times but she said it's not the me she knows. it's not even the me she thinks is funny. how's that for honesty, the bitch. (that's ok because she doesn't read this) so, the short of this very long dialogue is...reads back to recall original point...that while the blog is not private, the blogger is. intensely so. it's not that i would say something here that i wouldn't in real life. but in real life you don't get to script every situation. in real life there are appearances to maintain and feelings to consider. so, if you who asked me for this url has found the blog, i bear you no ill will. props for your googling skills. you found me whether i like it or not.

gee that ended sort of grrry. it really wasn't meant to be grrry. maybe some of you other bloggers will get what i mean. it's just a blog.

maam, why did you give me $300 in cash to pay your mortgage and then take out $300 from your savings in cash. and when i asked how you'd like the bills you said "anything" and then ask for 100's when i give you 20's. and then, grrr and then..., why did you give me back the hundreds for money orders which would have been free from the savings. why why why did you do this to me?
i should mention that she did that super gross licking of the fingers thing before handing me the $300 which predisposed me to loathe her. if she hadn't done the finger licking thing i might have waived the fees for the money orders, maybe. licking your fingers and then handing me money is like licking me. and generally, i don't let strangers lick me. it's un-hygienic.

gee, maybe i've only been torturing myself about the ken burns thing and not everyone else. let us go back in time to say, oh, may 2003. dick and mimi(kind and persistent old employers) have been trying to convince me to send a resume to mimi's cousin who works for ken burns since graduation and uhh, i just did it yesterday. remember that time i turned in that mid-term 5 weeks late. it's sort of like that. and i still graduated, so maybe it'll turn out ok. it's harder than one would think to recommend yourself for a job that you have no information about.
no one here seems to know who he is or what he does, except matt, so i don't know if the filmmaker angle will help me with the chicks, but i'm not too proud to try ;).
sarah i did find your bachelor lobstermen calendar this morning. i'll have to mail it to you. i should get to it by 2007, if the guilt doesn't slow it down. (not as funny as the weight of your bitterness, rats!)

heaven help me, i have mailed the ken burns resume.

oh my. as matt can attest it has been a big day for banking. that was just one of many err hiccups in operations today. i've been hitting the sauce hard, two cups of tea this morning. and mary had to make coffee. to calm her frayed nerves. if the main office doesn't stop f-ing up i think she's gonna implode.

i am in a very good mood today. my mom called me last night and was very much her old self. she even asked how much my building would cost for her to buy it. that's almost shopping, and that's how you know my mom is ok.
i spent most of last week pretty sure that every call from home was going to tell me that mom was in the hospital, or had fallen again, or worse. when i saw her last she couldn't get out of bed on her own and the one time she was out of bed she fell and we had to carry her back to her bed. my dad was waiting on her hand and foot. desperately trying to think of things to cook for her that she could eat. it was completely heartbreaking and just so sweet i couldn't take it.
and so last week, while i was very happy to have a sarah(which incidentally i still do) and it was a very good week, my mind has been filled with the thought of my mom dying. but now that she's shopping again, i can return to my blaise self and think about things like why no one says whilst anymore when it's such a cool word.

1. What is your name? amy
2. Pet's names? mrs. whatsit and the sad nameless kitty
3. What are you listening to right now? that aerosmith song from that liv tyler movie, this was our prom song and i can't remember the title at all...
4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number? 15, why does the internet care?
5. What was the last thing you ate? a tiny candy cane, we still have like two pounds
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? pink, glittery if possible
7. How is the weather right now? f'ing cold, but the sky is very clear and blue
8. Last person you talked to on the phone? someone asking for chris, rudely
9. The first thing you notice about (wo)men? smile or lack there of
10. Favorite Food? mee pud, mmm thai
11. Favorite Drink? raspberry iced tea, which is ironic because i really don't like raspberries
12. Favorite Alcoholic drink? err, that peach scnapps al gave me at the employee party was good
13. Favorite place to shop? maryland, or the limited
14. Hair Color? semi-sweet chocolate, according to the box
15. Eye Color? blueish
16. Do you wear contacts? glasses
17. Favorite Movie? pride and prejudice which is not actually a movie
18. Favorite Month? uhm, june when amy and kirsten and i take our crazy vacation
19. Favorite Fast Food? subway i guess
20. Last Movie you watched? Scotland, PA with sarah last night. "uhhh...rock block"
21. Favorite Day of the Year? err, is that important?
22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? probably
23. Summer or Winter? fall
24. Hugs or Kisses? hugs
25. Chocolate or vanilla? chocolate, there is no other answer
26. these questions were removed to save the quiz more embarrassment than necessary
27. it was a good semaritan thing to do, i'm sure you understand
28. it had to be done
29. What's the last thing you bought? sarah's bachelor lobstermen of maine calendar, as she forgot her wallet.
30. What books are you reading? The Russians(Hedrick Smith) and Perils of Prosperity (leuchtenberg)
31. What's on your mouse pad? Clarke American slogan, they make our checks
32. Favorite Board Game? trivial pursuit, i wanted to say scattergories but there is no board
33. What did you do last night? made waffles for dinner, went to walmart, mardens and bookstore, sang i'm ready for love to kitty
34. What song lyric describes your life lately?
i got friends all over this country
i got friends in other countries too
i got friends i haven't met yet
i got friends i never knew
i got lovers whose eyes
i've only seen at a glance
i got strangers for great grandchildren
i got strangers for ancestors

i was a long time coming
i'll be a long time gone
you've got your whole life to do something
and that's not very long
so why don't you give me a call
when you're willing to fight
for what you think is real
for what you think is right

35. Who inspires you? err, dick and mimi i guess for making me take this career jump
36. Butter, Plain, or salted popcorn? butter, salt, we're all gonna die some day
38. Favorite Flower? gerber daisies
39. What do you say when you wake up in the A.M? usually i say hi to kitty
40. Do you still talk to your best friend from middle school? almost daily
41. What's on your desk? bamboo, pirate ship, colored pencils, too many books, coin tray
42. Rock Concert or Symphony? i think right now a symphony would be the newer experience to choose
43. Play or Opera? Play
44. Have you ever fired a gun? no
45. Do you like to travel by plane? i don't mind it, i'd do it more if i had the funds
46. Right-handed or Left-handed? write with my right, open bottles with left(not that this is very effective)
47. Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter? smooth, i've never liked chunky
48. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2, and one for kitty
49. City and State you were born in? nashua, NH
50. Ever hitchhiked? no, i watch too many of those real crime shows so i equate kitching with imminent death on the side of a kentucky highway

damn, poor raleigh. that's a whole lot of trouble for one inch of snow. our downeast branches closed early yesterday, but not us. it was actually rather ridiculous that they closed because the state police asked people to stay off the roads so they could plow. and what do they do, close and go home. that is exactly the opposite of staying off the roads(note the subtle tones of bitterness that we didn't get to close. as i had predicted we saw about 8 people yesterday, all of whom live or work within sight of the bank. it was a very long day. and then sarah and i went to marden's. discount shopping for everyone in your family. and mr. paperback where i almost got a tiny sand garden for my little eastern meditation area on my desk but i decided i was too poor. they have a tiny water garden with pump too, for the relaxing sounds of water throughout the workday. i love tiny stuff. tiny stuff is the best.

there is a whole lot of snow out there, and it's still snowing. the driveway wasn't plowed so i had to sort of roll out with no gas, but if i was honest i would say that the driving wasn't that bad. i did keep hoping that mary would call me on the way and say we were closed. but alas, no. we're here and we'll be stretching the boundaries of boredom. we're taking bets on when chris will call and say he's not coming. mary thinks 9:30, i say 10:00. i think he'll want to leave some time to make us think he's really trying hard to get out of his driveway while he's really sipping cocoa and petting his dog by the fire and laughing jolly-ly at our sorry asses who got here on time. wish me luck!

what are the odds that in every apartment i move to one of my neighbors makes police beat? well actually, this guy didn't make police beat, because the local paper hasn't come out yet. he got a full article in the bangor daily. tsk tsk. poor sod drove his truck into a parked car on rte 3, he got pulled over because the vehicle was all crumpled and steaming, and possibly because he was a little drunk. it turns out the truck could only turn right and he was trying to figure out how to get home making only right turns. i wonder when he gets out of jail?
sarah and i saw finding neverland last night at reel pizza and it was very good. and not just because we got the best couch. it was a very sweet movie.

the good news is that i am home, and i have a sarah. she says the apartment is ginormous. and it certainly is compared to the previous. the bad news is that while is was in NH i received a call from the new landlord and they're putting the house on the market. for the love of god. atleast i don't have a lease. it just adds insult to injury.
the new car does indeed feel just like you're driving a go cart. it's very easy to drive. it does not have air conditioning, but then it's a convertible. it does not have a cd player, but it does have a tape player and really that's a step up. i do not have it with me because my father is convinced i will kill myself trying to drive it in the snow. and frankly he has enough to worry about without waiting for me to stall out in front of a snow plow or something. which really, would suck.
i keep forgetting that i can't call sarah at home. i left her a note and some coins for the payphone next door, but it's really sort of cold out today. i think mary said -1 with a windchill of -20. i'm trying to think of things to do tonight that would be fun, but won't require being out in the brrry brrryness. there's always bowling.

my new favorite song is on the radio. i affectionately call it the cat song. it's a very sappy, passive aggressive country song about a guy who's girlfriend broke up with him, and even though he feels a whole lot better, he still wants her to take her cat and leave his sweater, because they have nothing left to weather, and anyway he feels a whole lot better, but she'll still think of him. it's really been a culturally broadening experience to listen to all this country. one hopes that my sister's car is all registered and ready to go and sarah and i won't have to listen to the cat song on our way north.
i should mention that it is damn windy today. mary said it was wind like in the bible. but she couldn't remember a bible wind story she just thought it sounded good. so it's god's wind that's trying to break through our windows. we're hoping the power will go out. so we can go home. but the flickering stopped and hope is waning. damn.

questions that annoy me because i am a prickly bitch type person:

"can i make this loan payment?" what am i gonna say, no. really folks.

"how are you?" from one of the people who work nextdoor as i am obviously heading to the bathroom. "well i have to pee and check my hair because i think during the racking boredom i might have pulled some out, you?"

"are you open?" if we weren't open, would i be answering the phone?

what with the network dying every twenty minutes yesterday, it was difficult to do the whole posting thing. so i spent the day cleaning my station ie: testing all my pens to make sure they work and spraying the canned air inside my mouse. with no customers and no internet there is no limit to the boredness, it takes up every bit of space, saturates every molecule with the essence of bore.
kitty and i are preparing for the visit of sarah, this weekend. woot woot. i am preparing by looking around the house going...hmm i should clean that. and kitty is preparing by knawing on every object in sight (see what you have to look forward to sarah? you're her favorite thing to bite!). i swear she's a dog. are cats supposed to chew things? it's weird.

mary and i got the news that we earned our bonus and she also told me i'm getting a raise. good deal. and even better i just finished one of my bank classes, which is a blessing in itself. we're expecting a bit of snow later and then it's supposed to be in the 50's tomorrow. maine is so weird.
our computers keep crashing so i'll be back later!

just because i've had a month to unpack, that doesn't necessarily mean i should be all unpacked right? there are a few assorted randomly packed boxes in my kitchen and shed (i have a shed, a real shed! i still can't get over it) that i haven't gotten to. the contents of these range from stuffed care bears to my binoculars case and the cup thing that holds my toothbrush. the contents do not seem to include the 20 cans of cat food that i know i owned, and moved. i distinctly remember packing them...but in what? i know that my chances of finding the cat food improve if i just unpack and put away all the random crap but that would involve...like...effort. and since i'm working on my blackbelt in sloth, i don't think it's going to happen.
despite the sloth thing, i've been doing a bit of shopping. i discovered the coolest thing, the gap clearance section is completely stock full of my size. here and in md. my size, everywhere, on clearance, and it's cute stuff too. this is where the heavens open and the angels start singing. you know you need a mall intervention when you start equivocating the gap with the pearly gates.

the package arrived today. the one from my mother. the one with the clothes. from j. jill. and whoa, i know i should have been ready but i just wasn't. there was lilac, there was crushed velvet. there was too much embroidery and there were bell sleeves. and even worse, 2 items are on back order.

the man compared my arguments in support of the aclu to bush's arguments in support of the war. mmmphf grrr hmph.

i just opened my all too frequent afternoon bottle of coke and i felt all the bubbles through the plastic. that was the coolest. with this new found thrill i expect to be fully diabetic by tuesday. oooh, bubbles.

and also, with the possible car switch coming up, i've been googling honda alot. and whoa, those honda people are serious...about...the...hondas. damn, i mean, really serious. which i suppose i should take as a sign that i will like this car so much that i will want to pimp it into oblivion and spend my evenings wiping it with a diaper. most of the posts i read i didn't understand. words like vtec and roll bar and you know, car things that i don't really understand even if sometimes i do date women. some of it is a little scary, or well, you be the judge:
easier to park than a golf cart, handles like a go cart, big trucks can't always see you but the car is fast enough to get out of their way.
what do we think, scary? i'm not sure. i should mention that those were all meant to be pro comments. the nae comments were very far and few between and always the driver loved the car soooo much that they didn't care that they couldn't use the cup holder (err). i don't know why i'm all of a sudden nervous. if i don't like it, i'm sure my dad won't take me to small claims court. well, reasonably sure. he does want it out of the driveway pretty bad. i do feel sort of like i'm joining a club, or marrying into the big fat greek family of car owners. i promise i will never have HONDA stenciled on my windshield, no matter how much i love this car.

it's snowing and it's sunny. you know what's next, locusts.

you wanna know a secret. most of the things i blog, are things that i say to myself all day. all day long. and sometimes i giggle. so i've been murmuring about locusts to myself all day. or, as many hours as there have been of today. it sometimes amazes me that i am employed. and speaking of employment, i have to plan my vacation schedule. how much does that suck? how do i know if i need the third monday in june off on january 7th. i don't know, but i think i better take it because otherwise i'll miss that really important appointment i haven't made yet. arghh grrr mmmphf.
when i was in MD kirsten made the best observation. we were arguing, or rather she was arguing, with mr. verizon guy at the mall about her phone, which was not made to be talked on and is now broken but can not be replaced because it's not february. (kirsten "if there is tangible evil in this world, it is verizon") and so anyway, we worked something out that she can use the icky headset that makes it look like you're talking to yourself until february to save hundreds of dollars even though she was not a happy kirsten. (wow, there's alot of lead in to this...) ok and then as were leaving she says "you know why older people walk around mumbling and mphfing to themselves all the time...they've had to have hundreds of conversations just like that. when we're fifty that's all we'll be able to say. i'll call you and just say "mphf. grrr. roar. mphfhhhhhh." and you'll know exactly what i mean."
she also said that if we all stopped fighting that the world would be the best thing in the whole...uhh...world. which is almost as good as "you gotta breath like your life depends on it". so really, kirsten should be writing this blog.

so uhh, yeah, blogging. i've been having a spectacularly confusing conversation with dennis about, well, everything. mostly about whether or not the salvation army is as evil as the aclu. hard call. but really, it's enlightening. apparently most of the women he knows are liberals. and we all think the same way. funny that.

the good news from home is that my dad is very willing to let me have christine's car for a price yet to be determined. the bad news, which really should be good news, is that my mom has ordered me a christmas present. clothes. from a catalog. mmm. yeah. there are so many things wrong with that. so many. so many that i can't even fit them in my mind to blog about them all. she said it was a coat, and a jacket. atleast it's not an outfit. i should be grateful for that. it's not a purple velour pantsuit (she attempted to give me same 3 visits ago) and it's not a peasant skirt ensemble priced in the 100's (attempted to give me on christmas). a coat and a jacket might be reasonable. atleast i can return them. err. (life sucks: receives christmas presents)
selfish whiner=me

a man came in yesterday wearing a umd terps hat. which is surprisingly rare in bar harbor. so when i was processing his deposit i said "go terps" and he said "what" and i said "the terps. your hat." and he said "oh, i just like turtles". sigh. how does one accidentally acquire a maryland terrapins hat. i just don't know.

i had an inspirational idea yesterday about the car thing. i was looking at the honda civics online and then i remembered there's one in my parents drive way. that is my sisters. that hasn't been driven in, well, years. so obviously it will need some work, like say brakes that aren't disintegrated, but i bet my dad won't mind too much if it's out of his driveway. in some ways though, it's more nerve-wracking talking to my parents about it than talking to a dealer. my parents will say "your car is fine" and i'll say the seat belt stopped working. and they'll say "we'll get it fixed" and i'll say "the doors don't stay closed" and they'll say "that's just the cold". and then i'll say it's a drain on my soul and they'll say but it's so good on gas. but it's my soul. my soul, man. draining.
i guess at that point i can always just go to mr. toyota guy. he'll understand about my soul. he'll understand anything i want if i sign the right papers. good man, mr. toyota.
so i'm going to talk to my sister about it. not the one who owns the car. because we don't have her phone number. rather the one who converses with the parents on a daily basis. and then we'll see.

and also, if anyone knows how i made the type on my screen big enough for those satellites revolving mars to read could you let me know how to fix it? it's making my life hard. thanks.

how do i explain the big tube of Preparation H in my mailbox? i guess i have to tell the hemorrhoid story. the one i've been avoiding telling because of the wanton referrals that are bound to show up, but who can resist a hemorrhoid story?

this isn't usual for the blog but i'd like it if we all assumed a dreamy flashback feeling just now as i take us back two weeks ago to christmas eve. as we remember i spent five hours in the car to arrive at my parents' psychologically traumatizing family christmas party. my sister invited me to sit with her and i said "i'd rather stand, i've been sitting all day". the party goes on and on and on and she asks me to sit down again and her boyfriend jeff rises to offer me his seat but before he gets completely up emily pushes him back down and says "oh yeah, you can't sit". so jeff asks why i can't sit and emily tells him, but he's a little bit deaf and he doesn't hear her. so when he asks again, naturally, emily says "it's her hemorrhoids, she's getting an operation, we don't want everyone to know". and jeff says "oh, sorry" and we have a conversation about how he can get me discount Preparation H because he works at a pharmacy and how the operation will change my life, and so on. and then as they were leaving jeff said he hoped everything would go well, and i said "huh" and he said "you know" and i said "what" and he said "uhh, oh, ok, see you tomorrow" and i looked confused. and then in the car he asked emily if i was ok and when the operation was. i knew she was kidding, she knew she was kidding, jeff did not know she was kidding. and so now, i'll be getting discount boxes of preparation H in the mail forever because emily makes him buy it for me to amuse her.

this is supposed to be the time of resolutions and recounting the highlights of the past year, but i don't think i'll be doing that. i don't really want to relive the last year. the cancer, the natural disasters, the still being at this job that has nothing to do with my education. recounting the past year would be depressing. and this year is going to be all about looking forward and being positive. i've actually put some resumes into the mid-atlantic region. there's one job in west virginia that might actually be cool. if i can live here, i can live in WV and it's really close to Frederick. Holly said she would consider moving to MD if i was there, and that's definitely a positive thing for the new year.
my sister would really like me to move closer to home. she suggested vermont, so she could go to the ben and jerry's factory when they visited me. i wonder how holly feels about vermont, she likes ice cream. mmm, vermont.
my sister also said that a golf is not a good idea for a new car. apparently her jetta is the root of all evil (pinky cringes here) and she just never mentioned it before. it seems that it's not big things that go wrong, it's a host of small annoying things. sort of like what's happening to my car, only mine is ten years old. this weekend i discovered that the passenger seat belt doesn't actually work anymore. i'm pretty sure that's illegal in maine, to not be belted, so i'll hope to not get caught.
i have the feeling car will be replaced by a corolla. safe, dependable yes, sexy no. *tear*