"don't ask me why i'm crying
i'm not going to tell you what's wrong"

this how i feel right now. people keep asking me how i am. some of them i care more about than others, but i'm not going to answer that question of anyone. i say fine, because that is what you say. i'm really starting to hate that fucking question. i don't want to talk about it. and i really don't want to talk about it 50 times a day. i feel numb, like it's someone else's life. i appreciate how much everyone cares, i really do. i can see the reflected pain on mary and sara's faces and hear it in holly's voice over the phone. i appreciate the words of sympathy and i appreciate the speechlessness because it's mine too.
emily and i sit speechless for hours. we don't have to talk, she understands. and she is the only one. we've been mourning my mom together for months, and now we are mourning for my dad. he won't break. the strength that has taken him this far will see him past this sadness. but i can't bear his pain. i can't bear his tears. i can't bear his fear that he won't be able to care for her until the end and she'll have to go to the hospice house. he sees it as his duty to care for her. i know that she has felt more loved and cared for this past year than she knew she could be. and i'm grateful for that. it's hard for my dad, her daily care consumes his life. but he couldn't live with himself if he didn't try. but anyway, the point...
i don't want to talk about it. i don't want to hear how anyone understands because you don't (but i do , i really do) NO YOU DO NOT. it diminishes my right to my own feelings and frankly it pisses me off.