despite my frequent absences and lulls and well...laziness i am here and pretty much i'm fine. things have been busy with the two jobs and the err uhm boyfriend thing.* i like the bookstore very much, as i've mentioned, but really...i like it so much. and matt, he is sweet beyond reckoning. it makes my casualness feel very callous, but it doesn't seem to be bothering him...atleast yet. i have made it clear how much i can give and i do that giving until nothing remains for me anymore. one might call this waking up and learning from one's mistakes. it's a positive boundary. but so far i haven't had to worry about investing more than him, because i don't actually think that's possible.
when we had our obligatory conversation about exes, he was vague. i got a number, and a few details. because i didn't really care and i had other stuff on my mind...i didn't press for more details and neither did he. so, here we are. detail-less and i find myself to be his first girlfriend type person. (AHHHHHHHHHHH) that is not a place i want to be. i knew it was all more "important" and "serious" for him than it was for me but i didn't realize the extent and now i'm freaked the hell out. anyone who admits they didn't see this coming from two months ago gets a prize.

*i haven't actually decided this. i'm taking the term for a test drive, if you will. really i think he's my girlfriend. he sends me miss you and love you text messages. his friends think we make a cute couple. but he kills bugs for me, and it's hard to find girlfriend to do that for you.