and i fell down the stairs.

imagine, i used to come here and write things about college and the dorm and the completely insane freshmen we all hated. it's like a different world. and then i started writing about how i hate my job but i never actually did anything about it. nothing like moving and starting over. nothing that would actually make any difference. and then my mom died and i stopped writing here. that was over two years ago and sometimes it seems like yesterday that i closed the door on this outlet. well closed it enough that only bitter ramblings and halfhearted updates slipped through.

what a mess. i'm not entirely certain what to do about it. i would like to have a place where i write about the exciting turns my life is taking, beyond the scope of my waistband. the problem is that i'm not actually doing anything exiciting. or anything at all. i want to start this business but i'm not ready. we want to build a house but we're not ready for that either. the waiting is sort of killing me. the in-betweens of existing just aren't big enough to live in.

and then i got a post card from a sweetheart at ithaca. we worked together at the koi shop and we were related by chosen family, cousins by friendship. she hasn't forgotten that time that i have been choosing not to remember and it kind of makes me think that not only do i suck but i am also blind. i've been thinking i have nothing to write about because i haven't had any experiences but in honesty i've insulated myself so thoroughly against experience that i wouldn't know what to do with a worthy story if one came pouring down my arms into the keyboard.

this is me attempting to at the very least document the nothing and what i make of it. god help me if i let it flounder again, delete delete delete.