May 10, 2011

Letters to my boyfriends mom: his beautiful girl

"This is my son Tom and his beautiful girl, Sandy."  I am not Sandy and Tom is not my boyfriend.  I am the girlfriend of your oldest son, the one you pointed to and said "oh and this is Matt and Amy".  You can't know how much it hurt me that you did that to me, to us.  This is my other son who is of no consequence and his girlfriend who is too ugly to deserve an adjective.  I guess it could have been worse, you could have said that I was his ugly girl Amy.  I suppose that would have been worse, to have it spelled out in words in front of your whole family instead of just the unsaid criticism that I'm not as good as a girl who had two kids with a drunk and has the brains of an invertebrate.

But I'm not supposed to be sarcastic or flippant because the whole point of this exercise is to be more zen.  This is an exercise in not alienating my boyfriends family with my continued anger about things that happened in the past and while I completely deserve to be angry about them I deserve happiness and peace more.  So I am writing down all the things that hurt me in an effort to let them go.  Even if I have to write the same post about that day over and over again I will and eventually I will conquer my anger and regain my peace because no one who makes me feel like shit deserves to keep making me feel like shit.  So that is my project, to talk about all the things that hurt me and let them go and move on.

It really hurt to be called out like that, the ugly girlfriend of your worthless son.  It also really hurt the day you reminded me in front of everyone not to eat the olive pizza because it belonged to a child.  Not only am I apparently so fat that I must steal food from children but I don't even like black olives.  So, you know nothing about me and you think I'm a big fat slob who steals food from kids.  Thanks a lot!  Nice to have a mom!  (this no sarcasm thing is going to be hard...buddha was hardcore to be zen without any sarcasm at all...)

April 06, 2008

clear desk policy

Since the post it note debacle I wrote about at the other blog I've been keeping nothing on my desk at work. Would it be easier to keep the boss' number on a post it rather than look it up every time I need it? Yes, but its not worth the trouble. At the weekend I always gain enough confidence to face the week and think of this nonsense as a learning experience. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about HR and MEMIC and anything else I can use in the future. Be smart is my new motto, which I will try to keep as long as he doesn't drive me bat shit crazy.

Ironically, as much as I hate my state of affairs right now I rather like the tone of my life. When I have a good day at work I like the leisurely pace of 9-5 and arranging my own schedule and wearing jeans to work. That is the number one reason I don't want a corporate job again, I likes the casual dressing. The money and the dress code.

Everyone feels trapped by the money. It's the one thing he gets right but I suspect it's all part of his grand manipulation plan, either that or he realized everyone would quit if he was cheap and a bastard. The money is the biggest problem for me and worse since I haven't been the best saver this last month. I could have a lot more of a nest egg than I do, I've been feeling the freedom of having a bit of spare cash. New computer, high speed interwebs, shiny new casual clothes, all things I would never have done last month if I was still at the bank. I'm deeply ashamed.

March 11, 2008

been a while

The last time I wrote here I was all excited about the new job, and then I got very un-excited about the new job, and today I'm neutral. Last week was kind of stinky but then yesterday wasn't so bad. I got a "very nice" and a "thank you" when I left so I'm feeling much better just now. The feeling might crash at any moment but, whatever...that's sort of the point of living, to have the experiences. I'm practicing being open minded and self confident and ROAR! Must make the most of this as it's what I professed to have wanted for so long. I'm a worry wart I guess and I have no reason to be. The paycheck, dear god the paycheck...the one part of my job I'll always like. I can't wait till friday. I do have exciting things to do today, playing with pictures and making things pretty. I only have to call and complain to one phone company today which is a total bonus. Yesterday I had to call two, but mr. bookkeeper said I was "good" for getting a bunch of credits wonder I liked yesterday so was pretty darn good.

February 24, 2008

New job, busy busy!

It's going to be a long week, saying goodbye and training in my spare time for the new job. I've only said goodbye to a few people so far and it's been traumatic. I guess it's nice to hear all my customers say they're pulling their business because I'm leaving. I told my boss that I had no idea what an effect I had on folks and she said "you did affect people, you do and you will" and then we were all on the brink of tears. It was a very hallmark moment. I don't think I've ever said that before and not meant to be sarcastic about it.

I honestly had no idea how difficult it would be to switch jobs. I had to google resignation letter as I've never written one. I'm sure it's the right decision and I'm ready to go where it takes me, but it's harder than I thought to leave. That job was my emotional crutch through a lot of things and I very clearly understand why I couldn't/didn't move on earlier, I just wasn't ready. It would have been impossible to make a move like this any sooner. If I was working a job like this new on when my mom was sick I would have made a complete blunder of it.

January 30, 2008

Rash would be so much more fulfilling

It's hard trying to be a grown-up. I'm sitting around biting my tongue waiting to hear about any of the gaggle of resumes I've sent out over the last few days. Typing that sentence made me realize that I have no idea where my cellphone is, the cellphone unto which I have directed all of my possible interview calls. Shit. This is so me. Odds on I can't find it and have a meltdown. You know of course that it's set on vibrate so I can't, you know, call it or anything and find it the easy way. Damn. We know I'll go insane buy a new one with money I don't have the minute before I walk out on my job only to find it the second I get home from the store. Guess I have a plan atleast. Freak out, spend money! gotta have a plan.

So, what's new? The readership here has grown an awful lot since I started, you know, posting things here. It's changed a lot, I know most of you are coming over from Athena and that's awesome. Sometimes I don't feel very well rounded over there (pun totally worthwhile!) and I do actually have interests above feeding my gob. With my whole five minutes of wealth I bought myself the latest PJ Harvey with a coupon. It's very good, very soothing really. I was going to buy rainbows next...but alas.

No new computer, no new cds...I'll trade my car in for one like the Flintstones'll be alright. If there's one thing that getting out of debt taught me it's that things are just things and money is just money. Food, water, heat and I'm good. If I don't have a job I don't have to even shower! Think of all the soap I can save! This is where my months/years of coupon shopper hoarding has come in handy. Things we'll never run out of at my house include: Ivory soap (matt's favorite), Toilet paper, and tuna. You can live a long damn time with all that stuff. There's a hefty amount of shampoo too, even the fancy brillian brunette kind! If I watched a few more episodes of Macguver we'd really be set for life.

I expect the many ways my life will be changing will mean I'll be here a lot more. What with all the nothing to do. And there are a lot of emotions to digest. I can feel myself getting less and less angry as the days pass. I really want to stay mad, I want to be pissed and indignant and yeah I want to be mean too. None of those are smart, grown up ways to live. I do think it's important to stand up for myself, I just need to be smart about it. I had so many plans that are getting trashed by this turn of events. I have to remember that life isn't about plans coming to bear. It's everything else that happens while you're waiting around for the time to be right. A sucky plan, even if completed successfully, is still sucky and money is just money.