i purchased a mid-range cd player, that actually is not pink. it is however "jog-proof" and that can't be anything but good. "proof" is always a good adjective for something that's going to live in my house to be used by me. i like going to bangor. there was great radio: toadies, pearl jam, things you would never hear in bar harbor. mary speaks like it's the end of the earth, actually most people do. even ellsworth is too far. "ellsworth, you're going to ellsworth, but it's so far" what am i doing with my life that i don't have time to go to ellsworth? distance is a very relative thing. it's worth it to drive an hour if you get to be reckless in target, and hear good radio.

in other topics, and not to dwell on the sad, but some folks have a false impression of my relationship with my mom. it isn't bad. it really isn't. she may be insane, but then she has always been insane. she treats me differently from my siblings because i am different, and i understand and appreciate that now though i never could as a child. she is kind and generous and genuinely wants to protect us from what is happening. and that is the reason for the silence. it is not because we aren't close. we are close. while it is true that we never discuss it, we all understand each other, as we all understand what is happening. we have been waiting for this for 15 years. and for the last year we have all been hoping that this time would turn out like last time. but last time she was 15 years younger. in her soul she is still a fighter, but her body is betraying her.
she wanted to buy the apartment building so she would know i had a home when she is gone. to ease my worries. so please, anyone who would criticize my mother take a warning now that i will not hear it. anyone who would think it would bring me comfort to hear that you always knew my mother wouldn't get better, take warning as well. so did i. so did she. so did my father, my sisters and my brother, and none of us needs your corroboration.