clear desk policy

Since the post it note debacle I wrote about at the other blog I've been keeping nothing on my desk at work. Would it be easier to keep the boss' number on a post it rather than look it up every time I need it? Yes, but its not worth the trouble. At the weekend I always gain enough confidence to face the week and think of this nonsense as a learning experience. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about HR and MEMIC and anything else I can use in the future. Be smart is my new motto, which I will try to keep as long as he doesn't drive me bat shit crazy.

Ironically, as much as I hate my state of affairs right now I rather like the tone of my life. When I have a good day at work I like the leisurely pace of 9-5 and arranging my own schedule and wearing jeans to work. That is the number one reason I don't want a corporate job again, I likes the casual dressing. The money and the dress code.

Everyone feels trapped by the money. It's the one thing he gets right but I suspect it's all part of his grand manipulation plan, either that or he realized everyone would quit if he was cheap and a bastard. The money is the biggest problem for me and worse since I haven't been the best saver this last month. I could have a lot more of a nest egg than I do, I've been feeling the freedom of having a bit of spare cash. New computer, high speed interwebs, shiny new casual clothes, all things I would never have done last month if I was still at the bank. I'm deeply ashamed.

been a while

The last time I wrote here I was all excited about the new job, and then I got very un-excited about the new job, and today I'm neutral. Last week was kind of stinky but then yesterday wasn't so bad. I got a "very nice" and a "thank you" when I left so I'm feeling much better just now. The feeling might crash at any moment but, whatever...that's sort of the point of living, to have the experiences. I'm practicing being open minded and self confident and ROAR! Must make the most of this as it's what I professed to have wanted for so long. I'm a worry wart I guess and I have no reason to be. The paycheck, dear god the paycheck...the one part of my job I'll always like. I can't wait till friday. I do have exciting things to do today, playing with pictures and making things pretty. I only have to call and complain to one phone company today which is a total bonus. Yesterday I had to call two, but mr. bookkeeper said I was "good" for getting a bunch of credits back...no wonder I liked yesterday so much...it was pretty darn good.

New job, busy busy!

It's going to be a long week, saying goodbye and training in my spare time for the new job. I've only said goodbye to a few people so far and it's been traumatic. I guess it's nice to hear all my customers say they're pulling their business because I'm leaving. I told my boss that I had no idea what an effect I had on folks and she said "you did affect people, you do and you will" and then we were all on the brink of tears. It was a very hallmark moment. I don't think I've ever said that before and not meant to be sarcastic about it.

I honestly had no idea how difficult it would be to switch jobs. I had to google resignation letter as I've never written one. I'm sure it's the right decision and I'm ready to go where it takes me, but it's harder than I thought to leave. That job was my emotional crutch through a lot of things and I very clearly understand why I couldn't/didn't move on earlier, I just wasn't ready. It would have been impossible to make a move like this any sooner. If I was working a job like this new on when my mom was sick I would have made a complete blunder of it.

Rash would be so much more fulfilling

It's hard trying to be a grown-up. I'm sitting around biting my tongue waiting to hear about any of the gaggle of resumes I've sent out over the last few days. Typing that sentence made me realize that I have no idea where my cellphone is, the cellphone unto which I have directed all of my possible interview calls. Shit. This is so me. Odds on I can't find it and have a meltdown. You know of course that it's set on vibrate so I can't, you know, call it or anything and find it the easy way. Damn. We know I'll go insane buy a new one with money I don't have the minute before I walk out on my job only to find it the second I get home from the store. Guess I have a plan atleast. Freak out, spend money! gotta have a plan.

So, what's new? The readership here has grown an awful lot since I started, you know, posting things here. It's changed a lot, I know most of you are coming over from Athena and that's awesome. Sometimes I don't feel very well rounded over there (pun totally worthwhile!) and I do actually have interests above feeding my gob. With my whole five minutes of wealth I bought myself the latest PJ Harvey with a coupon. It's very good, very soothing really. I was going to buy rainbows next...but alas.

No new computer, no new cds...I'll trade my car in for one like the Flintstones had...it'll be alright. If there's one thing that getting out of debt taught me it's that things are just things and money is just money. Food, water, heat and I'm good. If I don't have a job I don't have to even shower! Think of all the soap I can save! This is where my months/years of coupon shopper hoarding has come in handy. Things we'll never run out of at my house include: Ivory soap (matt's favorite), Toilet paper, and tuna. You can live a long damn time with all that stuff. There's a hefty amount of shampoo too, even the fancy brillian brunette kind! If I watched a few more episodes of Macguver we'd really be set for life.

I expect the many ways my life will be changing will mean I'll be here a lot more. What with all the nothing to do. And there are a lot of emotions to digest. I can feel myself getting less and less angry as the days pass. I really want to stay mad, I want to be pissed and indignant and yeah I want to be mean too. None of those are smart, grown up ways to live. I do think it's important to stand up for myself, I just need to be smart about it. I had so many plans that are getting trashed by this turn of events. I have to remember that life isn't about plans coming to bear. It's everything else that happens while you're waiting around for the time to be right. A sucky plan, even if completed successfully, is still sucky and money is just money.

Get off her lawn!

Thursday is paper day here on MDI, which means it's also what nonsense have folks called the police over this week. I thought the best one would be the escaped chicken on the Crooked Road but I think the lady in Southwest who reported problem ducks in her yard is my new favorite. What did she expect the police to do, come over and shoot them? There's also an article complaining about hiring a second firefighter. The gall! Two whole firefighters! and more than one police officer on duty at a time! it's anarchy.

I thought I'd be happier

When I was at the height of my "oh my god I owe THAT MUCH" debt I thought I'd be automatically happier when I was free. Less stressed anyway, it seemed a sure bet. It seems that what I've done is trade one stress for another. I no longer worry about whether I can pay all my bills with my tiny ass paychecks, now I worry about whether I'll be able to retire on my tiny ass 401k allocations. Which is ridiculous because not so long ago it was a lucky thing that I had money to allocate at all, money that didn't have to be thrown at debt to keep all my payments up to date. I'm crossed between deserving a break from financial worry and believing that I don't deserve one after fucking up so badly.

I read a lot of debt blogs where the writers missed payments or had things go to collection and I have to remind myself that I'm lucky that I turned things around before that ever happened to me. Things could be a lot worse for me than only putting 6% to retirement. Two years it took me to slog my way out of debt, two years and a lot of lucky breaks. I feel like I have to make up for it somehow, make up for lost time. The financial anxiety just has moved around but hasn't left and that's really disappointing to me. And, you know, anxious making.

Financial security, in my head, is the image of someone sitting at a big old desk with a leather ledger and a tell-tale cock of the head. I suppose I do that with my spreadsheets but excel just isn't as comforting as you'd think. Mostly I look at it and think "MORE MORE MORE, HAVE TO SAVE MORE!". My next budget venture, the rest of my life budget, should be really awesome. Counting your deposits before they happen awesome, but I think I left myself enough room to enjoy things and save half my paychecks. Save half my paychecks, I can't believe I'm that person and I'm still not calm and happy and all the things that I wanted money to buy. God, how frustrating.