how do i explain the big tube of Preparation H in my mailbox? i guess i have to tell the hemorrhoid story. the one i've been avoiding telling because of the wanton referrals that are bound to show up, but who can resist a hemorrhoid story?

this isn't usual for the blog but i'd like it if we all assumed a dreamy flashback feeling just now as i take us back two weeks ago to christmas eve. as we remember i spent five hours in the car to arrive at my parents' psychologically traumatizing family christmas party. my sister invited me to sit with her and i said "i'd rather stand, i've been sitting all day". the party goes on and on and on and she asks me to sit down again and her boyfriend jeff rises to offer me his seat but before he gets completely up emily pushes him back down and says "oh yeah, you can't sit". so jeff asks why i can't sit and emily tells him, but he's a little bit deaf and he doesn't hear her. so when he asks again, naturally, emily says "it's her hemorrhoids, she's getting an operation, we don't want everyone to know". and jeff says "oh, sorry" and we have a conversation about how he can get me discount Preparation H because he works at a pharmacy and how the operation will change my life, and so on. and then as they were leaving jeff said he hoped everything would go well, and i said "huh" and he said "you know" and i said "what" and he said "uhh, oh, ok, see you tomorrow" and i looked confused. and then in the car he asked emily if i was ok and when the operation was. i knew she was kidding, she knew she was kidding, jeff did not know she was kidding. and so now, i'll be getting discount boxes of preparation H in the mail forever because emily makes him buy it for me to amuse her.