this morning i went to the bureau of motor vehicles. and really it was very easy. the computers were down and the nice lady was very apologetic but it seemed to make no difference in the process. i was the second person, and i have the computer generated number to prove it. i got a new license and a vanity plate all at the same desk. the employees seemed a whole lot less cranky than in NH, the proximity to massachusetts must effect the dmv crankiness ratio. i am very excited for my new maine stuff to come in the mail.
i talked to amy the mas last night and it was the best. i am planning to come to maryland the memorial day long weekend. so uhh, get your reservations early. space is limited. or something.
i went to the mall last night, ten percent off tuesday at the gap! (although, i didn't get my ten percent off...but maybe that's because everything i bought was on clearance...but everything i ever buy is on clearance...so really it's just an excuse to go back to the mall and get it straightened out) i have some kind of gap addiction. the sales and all, hard to resist. very hard. i feel like i'm making up for lost time though...as i wasn't able to shop at the gap for a long time*. so i'm reveling in it now. and yesterday, since i was dwelling on the above, i ate chicken. not free range, evil fast food chicken that will kill me slowly...and i liked it. take that pointless harbored aggression!
that brings me to something that i never talked about here, but was probably rather obvious and known to most everyone (sorry pinky, i know i confused you). especially since the dating of the boys began. i didn't talk about it because, well...i was a tiny bit bitter and angry about it (does it show?) and also because it just didn't seem appropriate. you would think i wouldn't be so bitter and angry since it was in fact my idea and my doing, but spending two years of your life under the delusion that someone cares about you is a recipe for bitter and angry (a pinch of this, a smidgen of that). as amymas said last night, i just don't need these negative feelings in me anymore, so i'm trying to wash my hands of it now. i just don't have the emotional energy to waste on the negative. it probably still isn't appropriate to blog about it, but shit, it's my blog and there are some things i think i might feel better about if i just blog it and move on. so, uhm, this post is going to get a little cranky and really it's just for me so i can stop thinking these things so uhm, sorry in advance to everyone who ventures forward.
firstly, for the record, when i tell you my mom is going to die and you change the subject without saying anything conciliatory at all, YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE. you aren't even someone i want to say hello to anymore. i call that inhuman. (this clause only applies to people who used to be my girlfriend. i have no standards for the awkwardness that this news causes, unless you are someone who used say they loved me in which case you are required to at least look a little sad when i say my mom's cancer is terminal.**)
secondly, when i drive five hours to visit my mom who is dying and you won't take a half hour trip to see me because you'll have to drive on the highway and it's scary...and then demand my apology for being callous about your feelings, well FUCK YOU.
it's so much worse than just breaking my heart because i feel stupid and used. but mostly stupid and wow do i hate you for that. i know you don't read this, and i know that jillian does. but i hope it doesn't get back to you because you won't understand. you won't be able to take in how much you hurt me because if you could, if you could account for the feelings of others, you wouldn't have been such a total bitch.

*someone thought they were evil. someone who happily shopped at old navy because they did not realize they are owned by the same folks. i enjoyed that irony more than a nice person would.

**matt makes a point of asking after my mom everytime i mention calling or visiting home. i can't remember annie ever asking about my mom. ever. as in not one single time. the difference being that matt has the capacity to think about people that aren't himself and also appears to have emotions.