i learned so much this weekend that i just can't process it all. he checked himself into the hospital this time. and probably he won't be coming back out. if he carries on he'll be at the state hospital for a long time. he thinks the neighbors want to kill him.
he's lucky to be somewhere where he can't take all his pills at once. we're all lucky he's somewhere he can't make a pre-emptive strike on the neighbors, like burning down their house or something.
i've been living this week on autopilot* and it's fucking boring. i'm tired and bored of waiting for this brother of mine to sink or swim. and now he's sinking. i've been waiting for this situation to come to a head since he drank his way to expulsion from college. i guess now it has. and it sucks.
he needs every day care. he needs someone to watch him take his meds. to make him take a shower, brush his teeth, take his sneakers off when he goes to bed. my dad can't do it anymore. his son is 32 years old and he's still raising him.
sometimes when i read flea's posts about her son alex i get flickers of my brother. matthew definitely has a disease, a syndrome, a problem but he functions well enough that it was never diagnosed and no one knows what it really is. he was labeled lazy, or stupid, or incompetent and then he was left behind. there's something wrong that keeps him from wanting the normal things that adults want, like living on their own and forming relationships. there's something that keeps him from being able to answer questions like what he wants for dinner.**
i've been tossing all these thoughts around my head and since there are no answers there is no end to it.
the hospital is the safest place he can be. i'm more concerned right now that they'll let him out rather than keep him forever. my father is at his wit's end. if they let him out, dad plans to sell the house and move. if it comes to that i wonder if he knows where emily lives and if they should move too. it's hard to believe that he could harm the kids but it's hard to believe that the neighbors shout curses at him from their porches. shit, none of the neighbors even HAVE porches.
i thought last year was the horrible year to end all horrible years, but there seems no end to the pain.


*until this morning when i went on my run and locked the door behind me. and then i had to break in through one of the windows and then i noticed that the other door was unlocked anyway. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

**he has answered this question exactly the same since i can remember...FOOD. i've never understod that because he's a picky eater and he was never happy with what was served. a rational mind would request something that the body liked to eat, but then who said he was rational.