since i got on the healthy lifestyle bandwagon i've been thinking alot about my history with exercise. pretty much that would be gym class. 45 minutes a day, three times a week, pretending like i did whatever it was we were supposed to have done. i hated gym class. the only good thing about gym class was when holly was with me. but holly was alot more talented with sports than i was, there's a shrine to prove it, so she wasn't as afraid as i was.* i was up nights thinking about how much i didn't want to go to gym class. class itself was rarely dissapointing in being fucking scary.

there's a feast of reasons to hate gym class. you could not be picked for a team and have to wait for the teacher to place you on a team while everyone on that team groans loudly.** you could get hit out in dodgeball within nanoseconds of the game starting, depressing. or you could have to do gymnastics on balance beams and springboards with no training at all. the latter happened to me in 6th grade. holly was with me and we successfully bullshitted our way into getting no further in our gymnastics careers than performing summersaults over and over again. take that kerri strugg.

i remember that in the seventh grade we were tested in our ability to do sit-ups and push-ups and the like. they counted how many we could do and wrote it down. i think this was my favorite gym class ever. the summer before 7th grade i had decided i was fat and i was determined to do something about it. so for hours every day i holed up in my room and did sit-ups and push-ups while watching re-runs on wnds.*** however sad and misguided, i kicked ass on that gym test. so much so that one of the whiniest skinny girls**** i ever knew had the gaul to ask me if i was lying about how many sit-ups i did. i was really proud that day. i don't know what happened to that kind of willpower and singlemindedness. it wouldn't hurt me today to spend some time doing sit-ups and push-ups. nah...


*her parents have a case full of the medals she won ice skating and they refuse to take it down.
**i think i've mentioned that i was that kid who's only goal scored in their life was on their own team. so i guess the groaning was with good reason and i can't really blame them.
***this was the new england independant station and the only station i received on the tv in my room, it adds appropriately to the sadness of my 12 year old life. i should also mention that this is the summer my mother decided i had an eating disorder because i would only eat toast. i just really liked toast, and i was too lazy to cook anything else for myself during the day. i remember she took me out to lunch at friendly's to get me to eat something and then she wouldn't let me order ice cream because it would make me fat. irony?
****her name is emblazened on my brain. she's the same girl who convinced my 8th grade history team to perform a dance for a class project. THE HORROR!

i was all in a dither friday because i didn't get my shaw's super savings guide. i was checking my mail every hour and not one word on my savings potential. i went home sad and a little angry. i rushed into town on saturday morning to pick it up so i could arrive at shaw's educated and enlightened, but it was all for naught. the post office done me wrong. instead i had to park my cart in the bagged salad section, blocking shopping traffic, to scope out the bargains. a little old lady whisked by me and said "amateur" under her breath, it was humiliating.

i was never into competitive sports in school, but i really think i've found my calling in competitive shopping. or maybe it's more about getting the best deal. i very nearly pulled an ER-esq Eric Lasalle move when i saw the cabot cheeses were on sale. i've been holding a coupon on the cabot cheese ($1 off 3), i knew it was going to go one sale (2 for $4) making my purchase 3 for $5 and therefor beating the damn system. what the hell am i going to do with 3 blocks of cheese, who cares! it was double the savings!!!

i have a lot of coupons like this, and i patiently wait until the product goes on sale. it's becoming my favorite passtime and my only real hobby. there's a well-known trick of writing flattering letters to your favorite manufacturers to get coupons in return. i could do a form letter. the stamps would be minimal considering the money in the bank coupon return. the short of the long on this post, i need a damn intervention. a bargain shopper intervention.

matt doesn't see a problem with the clipping. i think he sees any attempt at my saving money to be gold stars on my application for wifehood because he believes that one day i'll be saving HIS money. but i consider every penny saved to be a penny i could be spending on chocolate, and that's one hell of a motivator. i have a chocolate fund that's going to need it's own brokerage firm soon. and all because of coupons. but the post office, they're really holding me back. not only do they refuse me my rightful sales bulletin, but i can't get the sunday paper delivered. the sunday paper chock full of coupons. folks with no address can't get the paper, i'd have to go and BUY it every sunday. it all amounts to the man keeping the people down. bastards.

where the fuck did those old posts go? fucking blogger.

i learned so much this weekend that i just can't process it all. he checked himself into the hospital this time. and probably he won't be coming back out. if he carries on he'll be at the state hospital for a long time. he thinks the neighbors want to kill him.
he's lucky to be somewhere where he can't take all his pills at once. we're all lucky he's somewhere he can't make a pre-emptive strike on the neighbors, like burning down their house or something.
i've been living this week on autopilot* and it's fucking boring. i'm tired and bored of waiting for this brother of mine to sink or swim. and now he's sinking. i've been waiting for this situation to come to a head since he drank his way to expulsion from college. i guess now it has. and it sucks.
he needs every day care. he needs someone to watch him take his meds. to make him take a shower, brush his teeth, take his sneakers off when he goes to bed. my dad can't do it anymore. his son is 32 years old and he's still raising him.
sometimes when i read flea's posts about her son alex i get flickers of my brother. matthew definitely has a disease, a syndrome, a problem but he functions well enough that it was never diagnosed and no one knows what it really is. he was labeled lazy, or stupid, or incompetent and then he was left behind. there's something wrong that keeps him from wanting the normal things that adults want, like living on their own and forming relationships. there's something that keeps him from being able to answer questions like what he wants for dinner.**
i've been tossing all these thoughts around my head and since there are no answers there is no end to it.
the hospital is the safest place he can be. i'm more concerned right now that they'll let him out rather than keep him forever. my father is at his wit's end. if they let him out, dad plans to sell the house and move. if it comes to that i wonder if he knows where emily lives and if they should move too. it's hard to believe that he could harm the kids but it's hard to believe that the neighbors shout curses at him from their porches. shit, none of the neighbors even HAVE porches.
i thought last year was the horrible year to end all horrible years, but there seems no end to the pain.


*until this morning when i went on my run and locked the door behind me. and then i had to break in through one of the windows and then i noticed that the other door was unlocked anyway. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

**he has answered this question exactly the same since i can remember...FOOD. i've never understod that because he's a picky eater and he was never happy with what was served. a rational mind would request something that the body liked to eat, but then who said he was rational.

i started a lazy ass running program this morning. i can't believe i used to run for half an hour whenever i felt like it, and now it's going to take ten weeks to get back to that point. that's what happens when you're lazy, you need the lazy ass running program. but actually, i really enjoyed it. i never really liked going to the gym, unlike sarah who holds medals in weightlifting because she rocks the gym. i used to really like running. you get to see pretty stuff, listen to music, and burn a shitload of calories in a relatively short period of time. i was never a fast runner, possibly even more of a jogger, but who's keeping track?
so pretty much this program is great. all you have to do is run for one minute three times during a half hour walk. piece of cake. and then the next week you run for two minutes three times and so on and so on. it's easy enough to keep me from being frustrated and hard enough in this cold to make me breath hard.

enough of that excitement. it's another really beautiful day here. last week i found Nessy who used to live in my fish tank. i put him on my desk and he's gotten some lovely compliments. or maybe she's a she, are sea creatures generally male or female? but yesterday someone asked me if it was a seal. uhm no, it's the loch ness monster. and the poor dear had no idea what i was talking about. i thought everyone knew about Nessy.

there are 24, i can't count. i have a dozen at home and a dozen at work. everyone was asking where he got them, he picked them up at sam's club. he's now an official member. better than bulk roses, we can buy bulk turkey bacon and cheese sticks. ROCK ON! i'm actually really excited about that. and since he paid the membership we should get his money's worth. i haven't wandered around a bulk sale place for ages, my parent's used to have a membership to all of them i think. my dad still does costco. even though there are only two of them.
valentine's day was very nice. the mousse was good and REALLY rich. matt hasn't eaten his...and he better soon or it's gone.
it was a nice valentine's day and i hope everyone else's was nice too!

i have twenty three pink roses smiling at me right now. why twenty three, i don't know. but i'm thrilled. i love the pink, and the roses, and i'm very excited. i made him heart shaped cinnamon rolls. because when the fuck else am i going to use those heart shaped pans. i made them at work, in the toaster oven. because carby sugary things are not safe in my presence. i did however lick every frosting covered surface as i made them. no one's perfect.
things haven't been all that exciting here. i spend most of my time wondering which part of the turkey they use to make turkey bacon. and then i eat it anyway. but i have discovered that the sugar free werther's taste exactly like the original, and i say Bravo Werther's!

according to my sister, dad has read the entire cellphone manual. and he's very excited about all the things it can do. please let him not download porn accidentally, i couldn't deal with that.

i'm becoming one of those harried women who has to stop and take ten things out of her purse to find the wallet. it's driving me insane. i can't explain why i need 4 pens and 5 kinds of lipgloss in the bag, but i can't seem to part with any of them. i couldn't tell you why. i also have two checkbooks and an organizer. certainly i don't need both checkbooks all the time do i? and also, since i've become obsessed with my finances i have EVERY receipt from this calendar year in the bag too. surely there's a better place to keep them. but i can't seem to get around to it.
what i did get around to this weekend was finally setting foot in the big chicken barn. an antiques store that seems to go on and on and on. i bought a set of sandwich glass cups and saucers and matt bought two cast iron pans and some books.
the cups are quite like the depression glass i have, but the saucers are adorable little leaves, with aniche for the cup. i don't know who i'll ever entertain that will be content to sit and drink tea with me, but boy am i excited for it!

my brother took all his pills at once the other day. he's out of the hospital and back to work today. he's got a brand new psychiatrist and a grief counselor and a group for people with aspberger's(spelled SO wrong i'm sure) to help him with learning life skills.* he'd been hearing more and more voices, but this doctor thinks it's because of the medication. or one of the medications. or something. it sucks.

emily and the babies are good. grace is teething and is very grumpy. she spends all day shouting "NO THANKYOU" at everyone, and everything. the emily post of baby tantrums.

matt's car doesn't like him. his words. the wheel barren is gone. also his words. you know i know nothing about wheel barrens, or wheels at all. i was following him and he swears the car was wobbling and the brakes were smoking, but i saw nothing. but then i was singing along to my new 90's dance mix album. with rythym is a dancer on it. how is one supposed to notice a boyfriend on fire when one is jammin'?

*it's a possible diagnosis

the interview: went ok, it would just be me and this one guy working together. not what i pictured but we'll see what comes of it.
the back, neck, shoulder: feeling better with alot of advil. and many bubble baths. and the whining helps too.
the fat: i started the stupid south beach diet. so far it's very expensive, but not painful. and the sugar free candies have a warning label that says "excessive consumption may have a laxative effect" i think that's my favorite part of this experience. i haven't decided what to do about the thai lady who keeps bringing me iced tea. how can i decline thai iced tea? it's going to be difficult.

this picture is of the paramedics cutting mary's husband out of his truck. after he slid on some ice and MOVED A GRANITE BOULDER. a boulder. that was last friday and it's been a bit touch and go. largely he's more ok than he has any right to be considering the accident, but there are some scary complications at the moment and it's been a long week. i've spent more time giving reports on his condition to customers, neighbors, the fedex man and everyone else who knows and cares about them than i have been making deposits.

my interview is indeed at the business school. and so scoop neck twinset it is. as mare suggests, it is something i would wear to the job. however, i did test out some suits and jackets but there's no way i could get to a tailor in time. better to have something that fits correctly, i think.
at the moment i'm covered in tiger balm patches. my back is broken. maybe it's karma for lying to the boss. i've been thinking, i wish i could fall ill on wednesday so it won't be such a shock thursday when i call in. and i got lucky. but how will i interview when i can't move my head. i guess pray there's only one interviewer and not a panel. it hurt a bit yesterday, and this morning it was awful. the patches make it as bearable as yesterday, but i'm really considering a chiropractor. or two.
mostly i'm sitting here thinking OW so there's not a whole lot going on to write about. Ow!