spending a week with my family has supplied a whole lot of blog fodder. some of it is macabre, but that is my family. humor is the way we deal with emotion. suffice to say we spent more time laughing than crying.

my dad "so i got a four grave plot, that can fit eight people"
me "if it's four plots, how can we fit eight people"
my dad "you can fit four caskets. four of you have to be cremated. it's gonna be first come first serve."

the plot is surrounded by a few of nashua's leading families. my dad said "that's good, we know it'll be well kept." christine said "oooh, mom will be impressed by the neighborhood." true enough she will. she will also bitch slap the two of us for losing our shit at the funeral. as in, going off on their mormon "friend". the man has no social skills. he walks into our house without knocking. he blessed my safe arrival over a hamburger when i got home (and then i hid in the bushes until he left, because deep down i'm evil). and then he argues with me next to my mother's grave. and i asked him to stop talking to me. my mom is gonna bitch slap me in the afterlife. christine had a similar experience when he was telling her how wonderful our mother was and how much they saw eye to eye. one, we've known our mother for our whole lives and you've known her for a year (read: we know how wonderful she is). and two, she doesn't believe in prosletyzing or spouting gospel 24/7. she never did. she was just too gracious of a person to tell you so to your face. christine and i have not that grace and she told him to eat it at the mercy meal. she's going to be so mad at us.

emily received a slew of condolence cards from her esl students. construction paper and markers. inscribed: "i'm sorry for your lost", "roses are red, violets are blue, cheeseburgers are yummy, other lunches too", one was particularly funny: "i'm sorry you lost your mom, i hope it doesn't happen again." to which christine said "one time it's an accident, to lose her twice is just carelessness."

as emily's jeff was a pallbearer, emily had charge of both kids. so christine took charge of reid while we were in the church. reid, who has never been to church, thought it was all very interesting. especially the stand, sit, kneel of the catholic mass. she explained what the priest and the people were doing. at graveside, she explained that they had dug a hole in the ground and they were going to lower the casket into the hole. reid, who is a born engineer, was fascinated by this and rushed forward during the prayers to see how deep the hole was. while i give not a shit about the propriety of catholic prayers, it really wouldn't do to have a five yearold looking down the grave while everyone was watching and praying. so i had to hold the wily bugger while he said "i want to see how deep it is" and i would say "i'm sorry we can't do that now, you have to stay with me" which we repeated 1000 times. while my mom would care not, loving her grandchildren more than anything else ever, i won't have others criticize our family or emily's mothering.

the neighbors and my mom's school, and my sister's school and every other person we ever met has been bringing food to the house. my dad's chest freezer is filled to capacity. there are 4 chicken parmesians. FOUR. we also went through 4 gallons of ice cream this week, which had nothing to do with me (cough cough). ok, maybe a little. since i couldn't contribute to eating the chicken parmesians...i helped eat down my dad's stock of ice cream. there was a watermelon roll in there too! maybe next weekend...

my mom and dad met at the peppermint lounge in tyngsboro massachusetts*. my mom was sitting at a table of girlfriends. my dad had come with a friend from the FAA on a mission to pick up some girls. my dad zeroed in on their table and in his own words "i was going to ask every girl to dance until one said yes". my mom was the second girl he asked**. they danced a few dances and made a date. and the rest is history, as my dad says.
i have my mom's engagement picture hanging in my apartment. i like it because it's her and i know it's her, but i don't remember her that way. ie: it doesn't make me cry. i have a snap from when she and christine came to visit last april. the weekend she told me she was sick again. she's smiling and waving at me and i can hardly bear to look at it.

*it might have been tewksbury now that i think about it, i'm not really sure.
** quote "goodthing that first one said no, glad i didn't get mixed up with her. she was a kook."

my mom passed away last tuesday. quickly and peacefully. i've been home and next week i'm on vacation. it's been a little crazy. and sad.

we were talking about the glamour of being bank tellers and then mary said "yeah, and now i'll go clean the bird crap off the sign" while i was taking a sip of iced tea. and then i was jerry lewis. good thing we don't have any customers. actually, yesterday we had the cutest german people in looking for the latest state quarters. they were very sweet really. they like the cow on wisconsin too! international language of cute animals on coins.
mr. matt was home yesterday due to a dr's appt in bangor, so he baked me cookies. and tomorrow we're going to paint pottery. i'm a lucky girl. and i'm sure i'll be watching a lot of nascar to even the score. oooh, nascar!

"don't ask me why i'm crying
i'm not going to tell you what's wrong"

this how i feel right now. people keep asking me how i am. some of them i care more about than others, but i'm not going to answer that question of anyone. i say fine, because that is what you say. i'm really starting to hate that fucking question. i don't want to talk about it. and i really don't want to talk about it 50 times a day. i feel numb, like it's someone else's life. i appreciate how much everyone cares, i really do. i can see the reflected pain on mary and sara's faces and hear it in holly's voice over the phone. i appreciate the words of sympathy and i appreciate the speechlessness because it's mine too.
emily and i sit speechless for hours. we don't have to talk, she understands. and she is the only one. we've been mourning my mom together for months, and now we are mourning for my dad. he won't break. the strength that has taken him this far will see him past this sadness. but i can't bear his pain. i can't bear his tears. i can't bear his fear that he won't be able to care for her until the end and she'll have to go to the hospice house. he sees it as his duty to care for her. i know that she has felt more loved and cared for this past year than she knew she could be. and i'm grateful for that. it's hard for my dad, her daily care consumes his life. but he couldn't live with himself if he didn't try. but anyway, the point...
i don't want to talk about it. i don't want to hear how anyone understands because you don't (but i do , i really do) NO YOU DO NOT. it diminishes my right to my own feelings and frankly it pisses me off.

portsmouth naval shipyard to close. brunswick to be re-alligned. fuck fuck fuck.

our favorite customer is lost. weezie. beagle. about one foot tall, three feet long. furry.

he brought me picture hangers. because i came home with a picture of my mom with no way to hang it. he has cornered the market on sweetness.

wow, that was a long damn post. two items to add: firstly, sarah has been added to mr. blog and if indeed there is news and i am gone she will be bearing you the news. i don't know if she realizes what a burden i've placed on her but she's accepted it with grace and i am very thankful.
and secondly, why hide the referral? i'm a nice girl. unless y'all are the crazed vegan people, i see no reason to hide from me?

"lots of stories to tell. flirty mcflirtster, my sister:the sun, 'i thought you were driving!' or 'this is a private conversation, you'll have to leave'. you choose." so that was sort of like russian roulette, and now i feel bad that miss sarah got the bullet(sorry babe!). the rest of those stories are fluff, and since pinky counts as two and titles two and three can probably be combined we'll finish off the err...chamber.* and also, the *'s are a little out of control today. my bad.

so, my sister christine came to visit. all the way from japan. after no talkies for almost a year. and it's like nothing happened. like everything is fine and it's not unusual to not call your family in a year whether or not someone is ill. but whatever. she is the most selfish creature ever begat (begotten? sara isn't sure). she's the one who told me, the last time my mom was sick, that she was going to die and i'd have to go live with my godparents.** well, so, yeah christine deals with things in her own way. mostly by ignoring them. and moving across the world. while she was here though, she was really very good. she busted her self absorbed butt to take care of my mom and drive matt to work and appreciate my dad's cooking. if i was honest i would say she did more than me. i can't change bedpans, i just can't***. however, she who has been home for a week was telling emily to cut up mom's food, was telling me to walk quietly on the stairs and explaining that she had to wake up in the night to take care of mom.**** the very best part was when my mom's sister (who visits three times a week and is a professional nurse and gives my dad the only real breaks that he gets) came over and told my sister how to do some little thing for mom. and christine says to me "like i haven't been taking care of her for a week!!!" irony is alive and well.
sadly, and rather more annoyingly, she did the same thing with emily's kids. she gave reid behavioral instructions not befitting a five year old***** (and also with no right as they are not her children). she who drives twice a year insisted on driving the mini-van filled with emily's offspring (even after she couldn't find the gear shift and set off the panic alarm). when i told emily christine drove, she said "oh my god! i thought you were driving!" i didn't mention that christine missed a buckle on the baby seat, you know the one holding the precious tiny baby, because emily would have gone all exorcist on her ass and then she'd go to jail. the best part was when christine changed the baby and screamed at me to help her like it was my fault she put the dirty diaper in the baby's reach. emily did tell me that she'd always rather i be taking care of her kids, which makes me feel very happy and fluffy inside. the most interesting thing about having the three sisters home is the exponential increase in gossip. when it's just emily and i, the gossip is little. when christine is around, we gossip about her. and christine gossips about emily to me. and i know that they gossip about me. it's a fascinating dynamic. but i still get the kids so i don't care.

so i don't know if that came out as funny and ironic as it was at the time, it should be obvious that i'm not myself lately. however, matt and i have big plans for happy later. mini-golf. and there had better be ice cream. the best part about hanging out with matt is that i don't have to talk. we can just sit and stare at the ocean, or watch chairman meow play, and he won't ever say "what's wrong, what did i do, are you pmsing******?".

there is no segueway, so next up is flirty mcflirtster. or rather, i was a big slut on friday. i can't remember if i mentioned the infamous tank top incident of monday(she reads the past week and sees she didn't mention it) so i'll sum it up quickly. i wore a very cute, very pink (with beads!) tank top that might have been a little low cut for your average bankteller. but it was so cute. anyway, kevin came in on monday and i thought he stared a little longer than necessary...and then it got confirmed when mr. matt mentioned it later in the week. as kevin comes in almost every friday, this friday i wore another rather low cut t-shirt, with sparkles(which is why i bought it). and whoa was it ever a day of debauchery. i haven't heard what kevin thought of it yet, although maybe i don't need to know, but sara and i have tabulated the results like it was a science experiment. our star subject was mr. flirty, who works at another bank. he came by to make a deposit. and there was of course, the usual flirting for five or ten minutes. but then he came back on his way home. to get his balance (which can be done over the phone, at our atm or indeed at his). and show us that he had stuck his bank's sticker over our insignia on his calendar (clearly our calendar's are superior and he is in denial) and chit chat for about 15 minutes: asking who the baby was, my plans for the weekend, where i went to college, et c. and then he came in again yesterday. to cash a 20 dollar check. which he could have easily done at his teller line. sara and i are laying in wait for the next move. i never would have noticed this without sara. straight girls are so smart. it's fascinating really. no wonder there's so much money to be made from the dating woes of the heterosexuals.

*catch me and my gun references.
**thus causing me to refuse to go to school for weeks and my sick mother had to cajole, threaten and force me onto the school bus so she could drive an hour and a half to work and leave early to get her chemo (you know those stories about your parents walking uphill both ways to school...my mom wins, hands down.) did i mention that her car was a lemon and the windows wouldn't roll down so she had to throw the toll tokens over the door into the thingy. and then the door wouldn't close when it was really cold...yeah, well, maybe you get the picture.
***in this respect the black sheep kick the asses of the goody-two-shoes. matt and christine have both impressed the shit out of me in the home care department. on the otherhand, emily and i will have to arrange the funeral and deal with the mourners completely on our own.
****because emily hasn't been feeding my mom for months, and i've never answered my mom's calls in the middle of the night.
*****i lay no claim to being the best babysitter or the best auntie, but i spend a whole lot more time with emily's kids than she does. i know how emily disciplines. i know that reid will listen to you if you speak to him like a person and engage his attention and praise the good behavior. i also know more or less which battles emily will choose to fight and those she'll leave. ie: you can not ask a five year old to sit quietly at a table of adult women discussing facials interminably. if he wants to lay on my lap and quietly tell me there's gum under the table, don't be offended. atleast he's not eating crayons.
******do you have ANY idea how annoying that is coming from a girl? that is a black hole of annoying.

so moonshadow matt saw me and mr. matt at epi the other day. apparently i didn't explain that rosalies is only open in the evenings, and i'm very sorry because epi is no substitute when you're thinking about rosalies. i really should've introduced you, but he doesn't know about the blog and i couldn't think of a good lie. i feel genuinely conspicuous next to him in bar harbor. i wouldn't say i look that trendy on my own, but standing next to mr. maine outdoorsman i feel excessively chic. however, he's the sweetest boy ever, who sent me a text saying he missed me and telling me to check my tires because they looked low and that is unsafe. you know you're cared for when a boy checks your tire pressure. he mentioned that he picked me up something at home depot. i'm thinking fire extinguisher. if so, he knows me very well and has a sense of humor about the arson thing. that has to be positive.
while i was on vacation yesterday, i cleaned out two huge bags of clothes and dropped them off to benefit the spca. some lucky size 12 is going to be getting a shitload of practically brand new limited gear. and some express. and some j. crew. i don't know why i think my taste is recently more expensive, it's about the same. gap is just preppier...or something. they're also alot smarter stocking fat girl sizes when limited doesn't. that has to be the better business strategy given national tendencies, and it makes me like them a little bit better.

my mom's disease is progressing and starting to cause more than physical symptoms. or, since i can't think of a better way to put it, she's having hallucinations. the only treatment is sedation, which my dad has been taught how to do, but they only do that if the dreams agitate her. as long as she's having happy good dreams, we just go with the flow. everyone is having their own experiences with it. apparently my father neglected to discuss the possibilities with my brother. the poor dear awoke in the middle of the night to get a drink or whatever, and he heard my mom talking. he went in and asked "mom, are you alright? what do you need?" and she said "we're having a private conversation, you need to leave". to which my brother freaked the hell out and woke up my dad (who thinks this is the funniest story ever and given his life at present whatever floats his boat is fine with me) and my sister. i can see why he was freaked out. my mom asked my dad to bring drinks for the two girls visiting her, which he couldn't see and thus refused to serve.
while i was there she kept asking where her bag of ice was, for her bath, and decided it had melted and then she fell asleep. she also defended my right to bacon and demanded that christine share her bacon with me because i kept asking for it.* my cousins were at a loss at what to say, with good reason. but bless them they keep coming to visit her and bringing her cake. sweethearts, all of them.

*it should be obvious that i never asked for bacon and that my sister didn't give in to the demands that she share while repeating "mom, amy doesn't eat bacon", "no, she doesn't" "mom, she doesn't want the bacon".

lots of stories to tell. flirty mcflirtster, my sister:the sun, "i thought you were driving!" or "this is a private conversation, you'll have to leave". you choose.

otherwise mothers day and the weekend went as expected. i was home yesterday, more weary than sick, and that is why there was no blog. i also had the phone off. which was very peaceful really. i very much enjoyed my day alone and i hope no one worried too much. sarah, i ow you a phone date. i totally forgot it was monday.

mary is out sick. sara doesn't feel well. i don't feel well. and i cannot and will not rifle through chris' office, i don't care how bad you need your tax return.

i have been rather short of inspiration lately. and also freezing* so my attention span is rather short. mostly i'm thinking about being cold, and well, that's BORING. i'm drinking hot tea at the moment. lemon lift. which makes me feel about a thousand years old but it's so lemony and refreshing. i ought to be studying for my bank class final...which i was supposed to do a few weeks ago...but we all forgot. i didn't know how exciting contract law could be. err.
nothing to report lately. no car accidents, no fires, no expensive broken electrical equiptment. rosalies is open, which is pretty cool. i'm going to see if i can talk matt into getting pizza for dinner. which means pretty much that i just have to ask him.** for the locals there's a new italian restaurant open for the summer. where pagliarulo's crashed and burned in the anthony's building, Pasta's should do pretty well. it's owned by locals with lots of connections, and not a real estate mogul from boston. also in the vein of gossip, acadia corp has bought miguel's and is going to give it a try. acadia corp has fewer friends, but more employees, in town so it will be interesting to see what comes of that.
Nature's Way cafe is no longer, not that they weren't doing well she just needs a break. There's going to be a breakfast restaurant there being run by a friend of ours, hopefully it'll do well this season.
i'm trying to do the vacation planning thing early this year. instead of packing the morning i leave. i'm thinking of who will look after my kitty. sara or mary would probably be happy to do it, i'm sure matt would too. the bonus of having matt do it is that chairman meow knows matt. and enjoys his attention very much. whereas she hides from strangers, ie mary or sara. i can't see him pawing through my belongings or otherwise being creepy. is that too girlfriendy a thing to ask?



*was i cold yesterday? was i cold monday? did i remember to bring a sweater to work today, uhm no.
**how much do i love that? lots.

new hampshire makes the news about having and enforcing a law. what's that about?

went to the gap. armed with coupons. bought nothing. new leaf?

dude, do you think we don't know when you alter a check you want to cash? we're not that stupid. we're not. and you know what, you can go to jail for altering checks. they call it what...fraud? dumbass.

the flourless chocolate cake was a hit. i was worried. it was very jiggly. jiggle jiggle. i whipped the cream by hand at the bank. our customers must think i'm genuinely insane. per the norm, last night was phone night. hi everybody who called me! i wish i had realized i could talk to everyone free in, like, december (smacks head). it's so nice to talk to my loved ones. and holly if you remember that funny thing, send me a text.
so i cut off my hand last night. i was cleaning some potatoes to do the last roasted vegetables of the season and the knife slipped. the tip went about a 1/4 inch into my palm. owww. and i keep forgetting and putting weight on it. and then saying ow, and reminding myself not to do that. who gave me a degree? what is that about?
mr.matt and i have a mall date for tonight. last time we went there i was very constrained...this time i just don't know. they have all the cute black dresses out. where the fuck am i going to wear a cocktail dress? in maine? as a bank teller? but they're so cute...

while i was home i saw the coke with lime comercial, so today i bought one. moo. regardless, i rather enjoy it. mary said to try it with some rum. off topic*.
i'm planning to make a flourless chocolate cake tonight, in the midst of cleaning the house and calling everyone back**. i have some fresh whipping cream i have to whip with urgency lest it go bad. so obviously, i have to buy some ingredients to make a cake. to use up the whipping cream. is that logic? does one need an excuse to make a cake? 'specially a chocolate one.
while i was home i offered to take fat kitty home with me. he said they were doing ok, but he'd think about it. i offered partly because dad has quite enough work to do without cat work and kitty is oft found under the feet of my family**. and partly because he's really not all that well cared for. he's the fattest kitty ever. and still they feed him wet food every morning. and his fur is a nightmare. i chased him around all weekend with the cat comb, much to the delight of christine who thought his torture was hilarious. also, he needs to go to the vet. i thought about taking him for a kitty vacation, and doing the vet and grooming thing here. though i don't think i can take 5 hours of mewing only to have to face it again the hext week. who would be more tortured, me or him?

*one of my favorite things about my fake boyfriend is that he won't take pepsi as a substitute for coke. i always do, even though i don't really like pepsi. he's got standards.
**i don't know what the deal is with the phone, but it doesn't always ring. it could be a result of the weather, or sometimes you need to turn it off and on and it works normally enough. anyway, i'm sorry everyone and i'll try to get back to you all asap.
** "he's gonna be dead and i'm gonna be in traction"-my daddy re: fat kitty.

i just cleaned out my desk drawers for the 5th time this spring. man do i hoard alot of crap. but that's beside the point. i left for home really early on saturday morning and got there in plenty of time for the family picture my sister planned as a surprise for mom. they actually came out rather well, despite reid's constant refusal to be photographed*. christine and i did a bit of shopping, her more than me praise god. she must have bought 20 pairs of shoes, mostly bandolino's at marshalls.** i only bought a few pairs of shoes*** and probably i'll return them. so it's really like i bought nothing at all.
we also bought my sister a computer**** and stocked up on american candy and cereal for her friends back home. apparently the canadians are the worst with their stateside requests. it seems in canada you can see all the comercials for american products, but you can't always buy them. we bought almost an entire cart of candy. it looked like we were having the sleepover party from hell.


* reid "i don't want to have my picture taken"
christine "who are you, naomi campbell? get over here."
**nashua marshalls sells banodlino and cole haan. but not in maine, no.
***to which mattsays innocently "how many pairs of shoes do you need" and i say "not the point my friend" and he says "uhh, ok". that takes care of that.
****a brand new shiny iBook. so tiny and cute. and i'm so jealous. because $1500.00 computer i have doesn't collect enough dust or hold down enough paper, i need to add a mac to my collection. if i won't spring for internet, i don't need a new machine. but damn, they're hot!